Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I have been taking an early lunch breaks because it’s generally busier in the afternoon and everyone is trying to get out for a break. It just makes it easier and I don’t really mind. I was coming back from lunch and at a busy intersection just about a minute from work as I turned into the right turning lane and yielded to oncoming traffic. I was waiting the green car pass when this BIG ASS yellow company truck (not my company of course) did not yield, therefore rear-ending me with a HUGE FREAKIN BANG! My car lurched forward, luckily not into traffic. I was able to get it to the shoulder of the road and turn it off. Then the hyperventilation set in.
*first thought*~~shit! Now I have to miss more time at work, just what I need…followed by a mental string of vile curses. It was pouring rain and I called work immediately to ask someone to come help me deal (since I am on the verge of hysteria and need reason), then I kinda rub my neck and get out to look at the back of the car. I spend a very short time examining the back (not realizing the damage on the right side at that point). Driver gets in to write down his info and ask if I’m ok. I tell him that it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t already been having a few nasty days before.
I spent the entire afternoon at emergency. Unfortunately, I met no cute ambulance drivers, police, nurses or doctors. Apparently the fireman was good looking but I couldn’t turn my head to look. Anyhow, I had my first ambulance ride and cursed the entire ride there. So…I have whiplash. NICE. You do realize that I’m moving this week right? Packing’s gonna be a bitch.
Shortly after 4:30pm that day I received a call at work from one of the leaders at the morning/after school program. For the second week in a row he had been short, rude and disrespectful to her, therefore he would be suspended from the club for a day. He is normally quite well behaved so there’s something up. I called to tell his father and he got angry first, then told me Seth has been asking to see a therapist. I do not object to this, it’s just a lot to absorb all at once. I finished work and went to collect the boys. I told Seth to go to his room and read and that we would talk about it later. We talked. I am sad for him. I don’t know what’s wrong and we aren’t who he wants to talk to. This is going to be good for him I think. Just a scary new phase.
So, after the boys settled in for bed their father called back.
Baby daddy~~”I am worried about their behavior lately and think that they should stay with me for the next 2 months while you are in transition. That would be best, don’t you think? All settled in the new apartment?” sigh “Princess, it makes me sick to my stomach to have to call. I know you have been dealing with a lot of things right now and maybe this will be better for them.”
Mental me~~”NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THEM. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THEM FROM ME. I NEED THEM. I BETTER GET SOMETHING IN WRITING!
Aloud~~”I’m not sure I can handle that. I’m not sure they can. We need to talk to them.” *of course there was quite a bit of tears on my end as well.*
Ok my friends…so I understand all the practical reasons, the transition period and all of that. My rational mind tells me that even if this happens it’s not the end of the world. I can still see them on weekends and go to their activities. I still have them for Christmas Eve. I can see the upside. I can exercise every day and get into a balanced routine so that when they come back I am more healed and more healthy. *incidentally I am shrinking a little…trying to keep it under control* But, then there’s this whole other part of me that is just losing it. These are my children. How can I not see them when I am supposed to see them? How much will they miss me? I have been crying for days.
The ex boyfriend dropped his son off for a sleepover. He spoke with each of my boys (which was very nice) and we had a sweet, civilized, positive conversation ourselves. I never ever like for things to end on bad terms and with angry feelings, so it was comforting (even though I still know I need time all alone to heal). You have to know how much confusion was running through my brain. I wanted to hold him close, you know? It was nice, but it’s still over.
Whiplash is a bitch. Insurance companies can be difficult, but I happen to have a great broker. She hooked me up with a nice agent at my insurance company who has already begun handling all the details. I worked half the day then came home to rest as my neck is really sore as well as my right shoulder and forearm. No bruising, no deployment of the airbag. Lucky me.
Baby daddy called back and wants to sit the boys down sometime this week to tell them they are staying with him for a while. The man has spoken. Shit! I could go to my lawyer and fix this…but I am not going to. I just want a document that we can both sign with witnesses that I will have my boys back with me as soon as this transition is done and lots of visits in the interim.
I am overwhelmed. Any words you can give me to make me feel better? Aside from saying good thing I was in a car and not walking? Cause that would suck. Scroll down to the last couple of posts…had some guests in the princess house.
whew...that was really long.
I got to rest now.
Monday, October 27, 2008
it's over now, it was fun while it lasted,
why it happened, how it happened and what happened
it's time to move on
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Well, I’ve been clean for two months now. I’ve told everyone that I no longer constantly crave the high I once experienced when I’d had my first taste, just over two years ago. I had convinced myself that I had finally found inner peace and that I could do this by myself. I was determined to beat this. I couldn’t erase the image of comforting my future son or the image of me wrapped up securely in the arms of my future husband, from constantly entering my mind. And I knew that the only way that I could ever attain any of this, the life I have always desired and yearned for, was if I gave up this habit of degradation. So I quit cold turkey and everything was going along just fine until yesterday.
All it took was one little whiff of the good stuff and before I knew it I had fallen off the wagon. Here I am at work at 8 in the morning and all I could think of is when I can get my next fix. My need is so bad that I neglected to do any actual work. Instead I spent all of my time thinking of ways to raise enough cash to score. Various schemes entered my head, each one as ludicrous as the next. My bursary would only be coming in next year and I couldn’t wait that long. I need cash now! No the only option left to me was to sell my kidneys. I hear you can make R10 000, which is all I really needed for a plane ticket to Pakistan. Yes my friends I am addicted to travelling.
Now I bet all of you are probably wondering what a charismatic, beautiful, intelligent, eloquent, hilarious, humble girl like me could possibly want to see or do in Pakistan. And I wish I was capable of giving you an answer that gave the impression that I had spend hours reading up on the history and culture of Pakistan. But the truth is that I am a dipshit who took one look at the following picture before deciding that I JUST HAVE TO GO to Pakistan even if it meant selling my body – and inevitably my soul – to raise the cash for the trip.
Now I know that many people would say that I am brave (code word for crazy) to attempt crossing a rickety bridge like that. The thing is that I don’t classify myself as brave (mentally unstable). Everything scares me. Everything! And I know that if I ever make it to that bridge I’d be cursing like nobody’s mother fucking business but I’d force myself to go through with it. I can see myself now, standing there, trying my utmost to control my breathing, wanting nothing more than to turn around. But I’ll do it because every time I do something that scares the shit out of me (not literally) I gain something. There’s this amazing feeling of triumph because you haven’t allowed fear to control the way you live life.
The thing is that I know me. I am the most fickle person you will ever meet. If I don’t follow through with this in the next couple of months I’ll never go. Remember Ecuador? Two years ago I proclaimed that Ecuador was my “destiny”. (Yes, I use words like destiny and fate. Yes, I occasionally read my horoscopes and watch Oprah aka Our Saviour. What? Don’t judge!) Now if you were to ask me about Ecuador my reply will be a very articulate “bleh”. I am simply incapable of sustaining enthusiasm for anything for longer than four months. That’s just who I am and I make no apologies for this.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
This past Saturday night I invited Seth's 2 best school buddies to sleep over and celebrate his birthday. One of the boys has slept over many times and his younger brother come too so that Sidney wouldn't feel left out. It worked out quite well except that buddy #1 hadn't ever had a sleepover before and was a little nervous. He also has reflux and ate something before coming over that didn't agree with him. He called his poor mother at midnight to pick him up. Awww...maybe another time then. Next! Buddy #2 has asthma. He coughed a lot but managed to get some sleep. We acquired a cat since last time he stayed and it wasn't very good. He had taken a different bag to carry his things and didn't have his puffer. I called his mom, picked her up at her mom's to take her home to get his medicine. That was shortly after 9 on Sunday morning. Despite the craziness, all 5 boys had a great time playing and enjoying time together. It was funny to listen to their little conversations. A good time was had by all...minus the illnesses of course.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Holy crap there's a lot of stuff to pack in this house. It's my first packing day since it's a long weekend (Happy Thanksgiving by the way...let's hear it for Canada!) and I am alone for my day off. I set some boxes upright and taped them strong. I have removed things from drawers (starting in the living room) and all I have to do is get at it.
Here's the problem...I don't want to! Packing sucks. I always have trouble getting started. There is a loose prong on the back of my tv so my plan to watch last week's CSI Miami and Prison Break as I pack is kaput. I've got no picture. I can listen to music but it just isn't the same. Boy do I hate a thwarted plan.
Note to self : *consider getting a new tv this spring*.
K, so I just got a call from Midge and she gave me a pep talk. I can't believe it's already so late in the day! Gawd, I am still obsessing in my head about the tv as I write this post! I have to end this and get started. I made a pot of coffee and took every book off the bookshelf on my way back to the computer. I have to separate things as some will go with us to my friends place, while the rest will go into storage. I have to pack all my everyday needs last obviously. I can live without the nic-nacs and pictures for the next while. Here I go...wish me luck. :)
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
When difficult situations arise, Mama Bear jumps out. On occasion it's more like a Mama Lion. I have trouble with change.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
I walked into Di's office the other day and quite boldly announced..."I was thinking I might chop my hair." *indicating and inverted bob with my hands*
Di: "NO! Don't cut your hair. I will never talk to you again. Wait until you're sane!"
I shriveled a little and said..."Ok, I'll wait."
Thank godness for good friends to keep me in line.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Here are a few shots from Becca's wedding at the beginning of August. Keep in mind that I was in the wedding party so I really don't have too many pictures of the actual event.
Keep in mind that PJ was snapping these pics behind the professional photographer, so the angles are off.