Monday, December 04, 2006

Anxiety Rears It's Ugly Head

Ever had that tightness in your chest? That feeling that your heart is going to leap right out of your chest and be exposed to the world? As if you cannot catch your breath no matter how hard you try? Thoughts racing through your mind so quickly you can't catch up?

I have generalized anxiety disorder (so says my doctor). There are names for every kind of disorder--have you noticed? It's really just something to call it so you are aware and can work to fix it, or at least live comfortably with it. I have had a hectic 3 years and have certainly had some upsets and stress attached to it all. Overall, I am proud of how well I have done with it. I did take meds for a few months during a particularly difficult patch. I still felt anxious sometimes, but wasn't losing my breath so much. It was under control. I learned how to channel it a bit, and stopped the meds in July. Since then, things have been going pretty well. I can tell when I am stressed because I grit my teeth together making my jaw very tight and sore--often when I am sleeping.

So, today I was sitting at work, thinking about the changes I would like to make in my life for the benifit of my family. And it began--all those signs of the ugliness about to invade my mind and body for a time. Wow! There are all kinds of things happening right now, so I suppose it was bound to happen. I need to upgrade my computer skills, get a better job, and just be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love where I work but will never have a chance to advance there. Just the way it is...gotta move on eventually. Hence, the panic attack. It doesn't always take a large thing to start. Sometimes it is really the smallest of things, but once the thoughts start rolling, it's got me. I just had to purge a little. It is close to sleepy time. Thank you for listening. Goodnight.

1 comment:

Roger L. Sieloff said...

My Gawd - did I have all your problems when I was 35? All I have to commemorate the event is some bad cartoon of a crocodile drinking booze while some little bird pesters him, along with a call from "Mr. Burk".

Ah, was that George?

Chill out. Yea, that's "yankee talk". We in America have more than we will ever need but somehow manage to turn our lives into our own private hells. Always sarving to death wanting the bounty we have all around us but don't believe we have.

Drop out. If I were your age 30 years ago, I'd be some stinking old man you talked to one autumn afternoon. If you didn't walk away you'd hear all about Vietnam, my dissertion and how my country brainwashes everybody into believing in Santa Claus, Democracy and Jesus Christ.

Somebody you love is abusing you. That's not news though. Concider the fact we are kindest to those we love least and cruelest to those we love most.

If you want an answer, don't ask me. We are in the same lifeboat and it appears neither of us knows how to swim. The only sage advice I can give is to kill anyone bored enough to try and shoot holes in our lifeboat.