A Warm Woolen Blanket and What It Means to Me

On February 24, 1985 I awoke on a Sunday morning to find an extra blanket on my bed. It was one of those Hudson's Bay Company signature blankets. It was ivory with 1 thick green strip and 1 thick red one on one end of it. I knew immediately what the significance of the blanket was. I was 13 at the time, so we were long past the time in a child's life when parents routinely tuck you in before settling in themselves. But I was not in a routine situation. That blanket was there because someone came in to check on me. The only reason someone would do that is if Mom died while I was sleeping. I saw her on Saturday afternoon and it was quite clear that she had very limited time left here with us. Her battle with cancer lost.

Here I sit 23 years later (after getting up to dry my eyes that is) thinking how much I miss her still. She was 38 years old. I remember her sitting my brother and I down in the living room one night to talk. She looked at us and said "I am so sorry this is happening". I said "Mom, it's not your fault." and it certainly wasn't. I have grown to understand what she meant after having children of my own. I look at them every day and thank god that I am healthy and well and able to be a mother to my beautiful boys. I am turning 37 on my birthday. I do not have cancer. I do, however, get my annual exams and encourage everyone else out the to do the same. It could make a difference in your life.

I have had people ask me some silly questions over the years when I say my mom had cancer like...well did she smoke? Do only smokers get cancer? Absolutely not. Don't bother me with your silly questions. Actually, she had Uterine cancer. She was on and off sick for about 3-4 years at least but had long periods where she was able to still work and stuff. She stayed at home until about a month before she passed. At that time, I went to live with family friends as was the wish of my mother. My brother went to live with our father for just a few months to finish high school and all of that. He went into university dorms, then was on his own for the most part. We have always been tight. (well, we talk much less frequently right now but hopefully I can change that)

I think about her every day. I have found that since getting separated I think of her even more because our lives took similar paths and I mourn the loss of our relationship. I have a little card box of letters that my mom's friend sent me. It is so cool to read letters that she wrote to a friend. Just get a little idea of what she was like socially. My mother is a perfect angel, see? She could do no wrong in my eyes. I believe we would have had a good relationship. I believe she would have been very involved in the lives of my children and that they would have spent a lot of time getting to know her. I believe that she would be my closest friend and biggest support. I believe that things happen for a reason.

I feel very sad today. I think I'm going back to bed for a little while.