She's Having a Baby

Anyone remember the movie "She's Having a Baby"? It starred Kevin Bacon-- when he was quite young actually. Anyhow, during the scene where the wife is in labour, it featured a beautiful song by Kate Bush that is just so poignant to me that I wanted to share it with you. It also reminds me greatly of miss sweet/salty Kate's birthing experience...

This Woman's Work

I just received a call from John. Monica gave birth to a baby boy named Jones (pronounced like Jonas) at 4:25pm today. He was 8lbs 12.2 oz.-- Almost the exact weight as Seth (8lbs 12.5oz) at birth! After 24 hours of labour, the baby was taken by c-section. Mother and child are doing well. The boys got showered and dressed with lightening speed while waiting for their dad to arrive! They are off to meet their brand new brother. Incidentally, I saw pictures and he looks exactly like Sidney did at birth...hmmm ...John's genes came right out there!

Welcome to the world little Jones!

In the Land of Milk and Honey

I read Eve's post the other day about being tagged by a "meme". I had to google it because I didn't know the definition, although I kind of figured it out just from what she had written and by going to the "tagger" to see what she had to say...

So, in MY first fantasy, I have the patience of Job. I maintain my composure even in the most stressful of situations. My incredible abilities in gormet cooking are desired by all! My children love everything I set on the dinner table. I am "Supermom". I am a fabulous organizer and am able to allow time every day for all the cuddles my children can handle.

I have beautiful muscle tone in my upper arms and am able to run in marathons on a regular basis. I have a flat belly and boobs that are perky and the same size (I have had more problems than some women in this regard, I assure you). My skin is clear and smooth every day, landing me the most amazing modeling/commercial deals.

I am a hugely respected Movie Critic. When people read my reviews they rush out to see the movie because "If Corinna gives it a good review, it has to be good"!

Let's Talk About Sex...

Now that I am in my 30's, I am in the throws of that sexual prime. It is interesting because it just sort of hits you! I have always had a pretty high sex drive, mostly because I am a touchy-feely sort of gal and the closeness--especially with someone I love--makes me happy and whole.

My boyfriend is concerned that he will either go blind or that I will eventually kill him with all the lovin. Do you think that can really happen?

Shake Yo Money Maker

Shake, shake, shake yo money maker
Shake, shake, shake what yo mama gave ya!

Blake joined a group on facebook called "assbook". There is a note asking people to send pictures with clothing on only. No nudie pics please! This is right up my alley because I love to look at people's asses. Silly little quirk, harmless, really. I have always done that though. I can decribe the ass of every co-worker I have, not to mention those of my friends. It all has to do with the roundness of the ass. There is nothing more unappealing to me than to see someone walking around with the seam of their pants askew. Looks so ridiculous when the cheeks are not centered in the pants, don't you agree?

I happen to really like the shape of my own ass. It's BOOTYLICIOUS! Definately NOT on my personal list of physical flaws. I know within 5 seconds of trying on new pants/skirts whether or not I will make a purchase based entirely on how my ass looks in them. Very essential part of my criteria.

Protective Gear

Sidney loves to play in the bathtub. Often I will get him all set up with the toys and head to my room a few feet away to fold laundry or whatever. Anyhow, I come into the room one night, and he is sitting there with a little plastic barrel over his privates.

me: "Whatcha got there Sid?"
Sidney: "It's a bird guard."
me: "A bird guard?"
Sidney: "Yeah, to keep it safe. It doesn't fit fat birds or long birds though. Just 3 year old birds."

You Gotta See This!

Logged onto Facebook today and I had been "tagged" in a photo by my cousin Kelly. Check this out!

Left to right: Rodney (my brother), Me, Kelly and Tracy (our 1st cousins)

Engine Light

I drive a little shitbox Hyundi Accent--2000. It gets me where ever I need to go, but it forever has something wrong with it, as most older models do. The problem is that everything over and above general maintenance is out of my price range, so I wait. My engine light has been on steady for the 3 years that I have owned the car. I had a bunch of work done on it a couple of years ago and the mechanic told me I needed an expensive part in the engine (didn't say what part at the time) and that I could go without if for a while. Funny thing is, over the last couple of years I can tell there's something not right when the engine light goes off! Ass-backwards, but true. Anyhow, the old girl has been difficult to start lately. She needs to warm up for a bit before you drive her otherwise she boggs down and I stall. I was having a ball joint replaced and asked if they could source out the problem.

Mass Airflow Sensor--Who knew? I looked around and finally found a used one for $180. Not really in the price range I can afford, but had to be done. I got it on Thursday. Blake put it on yesterday, and what a difference! She's got her pep back--just like me! And guess what? The engine light is not on anymore. Now I just need struts, shocks, and tires. One day at a time, I have 2 1/2 months before inspection is up.

A Pat on the Back

Over the years I have been "taken care of" to a certain degree. You know what it's like when you are married, things get done as a team effort. Fending for myself over the last 3 years has been challenging, although at the end of the day, I have always taken care of me. Certainly I would depend on the ex for financing things and for fixing things I cannot fix myself, but I also spent many months keeping control of the finances and things while he was away for work, so I had no misconceptions of how life was going to be for me.

I am now back into a relationship where we discuss and share the financial responsibilities--**Sidenote**Blake has begun the process of moving things into my home--but oddly, I feel an extreme need to maintain my own bank account and my own VISA. I don't mind sharing money at all, I mean, that's just how it goes, but I have learned some things in my 35 years. Gotta look out for #1 here at all times, and at all costs. I have a car that I am selling to Blake. I could have sold it to someone else, but he really needs a car and is willing to fix the things that need fixing. The problem is that he has only been back to work since having shoulder surgery for 2 months and is waiting to get financing. It's really just a waiting game, but in the the interim, I have reached the end of my financial ropes and was sort of depending on that money to get straight again. I got all worked up and stressed for a time, but decided to put an end to it on Friday.

I went to the bank and got my own loan. I have fixed my problem all by myself. I realize to others this may not seem big, but to me it means a whole lot. I love Blake with all my heart, but it makes me feel good to know that if for some bizarre reason he wasn't there tomorrow, I will be ok and I can take care of business on my own. I feel like a 2 year old learning to get dressed all alone. It feels nice. I am proud of me for having done this.

Poverty

As I mentioned in "Wrestling Ambitions", Seth is quite materialistic. Whenever we go into a store of any kind he asks for something. I have gotten in the habit of saying something like..."I don't have money for that" or "We talked about this before we came into the store." So, we're standing in the checkout line at Wal-Mart one day and he asked for something. I responded with one of the standard comments, and he says "Mom, it's too bad we're poor!" I was soooo embarrassed. You can probably imagine the conversation in the car afterwards! It went something like "I can't believe you said that! We aren't poor, I just have to pay for all of every one's needs before treats!" I was so frustrated in the moment at my own inability to make him understand the realities. He will learn and understand eventually, but for now he just figures if I can't buy him toys or candy or whatever all the time then there is no other conclusion but poverty.

Boy Genius

My brother Rodney has a borderline genius IQ. He has actually been tested. We had some encyclopedias in the house. I used to set them all over the floor in stacks and jump from pile to pile for amusement, but he actually read them--cover to cover! We had 2 sets of 24 , 1 set of 10 and 2 large, complete dictionaries. He read all of them by the age of 12. I once had a conversation with our grandfather (our mom's dad) and he said that he is quite certain that Rodney was actually reading and understanding "Archie" comics before he could speak! I have been in awe of him for his academic achievements all this time. He has many degrees, and has spent years teaching others to learn. The man has published works and everything! He is "THE SHIT", so to speak. He is also one of my most loved and admired people. He is this wonderful, amazingly intelligent person. I could call him at any time and ask him a question about...I don't even know, anything...and he would know the answer!

It was a truly amazing thing to have shared my childhood with him. He is kooky, quirky and a little socially inept (though has learned very much in his 39 years) and he has the kindest heart. He has "big love" to give. He is the best big brother a girl could ask for. He used to hang out and play games and stuff with me a lot. There are 4 years between us, but he was very patient. We used to put on puppet shows behind the breakfast bar between the dining/kitchen area for our babysitters. We would make them sit on a chair in the kitchen while we put on a series of plays with assorted puppets and stuffed animals from my toy box. The storey lines varied depending on current movies or tv shows, of course. Now that I am writing this I am helpless to recall an actual theme. Rodney, help me out if you read this please!

When I needed a place to live after high school, all I had to do was ask. When I moved to Vancouver in 1991, I simply moved my things in. He was so very happy to have me there, and I was overjoyed to be with him. See, as it turned out, once Mom passed we went to different places. He was nearly finished high school and went off to dorms at Saint Mary's the following year but I was still in school. We kept in touch and spent time together as often as we could while living in the same province, that is. Wow I miss him! Good times, good times...

We have always been close. I believe the experience with our mother has forever bonded us unconditionally. We are links to her.

Hand Made Treasures

For Mother's Day, I received several gifts made from the heart by Seth and Sidney. Every year at daycare, they have a Mother's/Father's Day social on the Friday before the holiday. The children prepare their gifts, which are displayed in the room for us to collect on our special morning. Sidney made me a lovely "Sidney's Book of Kisses". There is lipstick involved, but how else are they going to make kisses on white paper...come on people! Too Cute, I think. Also a card, some drawings, and a special picture of his hand cut-out glued to a page holding flowers...does that make sense? It is sitting on the wall right here beside me at the moment. Maybe I will take a picture of it. He has 2 fingers glued down as if holding the flowers. What I love is that when he showed it to me, he says, "See Mama? It's like Spiderman!" Can you picture it now? Thought so...if not, I will add a picture from home.

Seth gave me a really nice card and also made me a construction paper version of me as a "Simpson's" cartoon caracter. He even cuts slits in the hair to give it texture...little artist that he is. He also gave me a sheet of paper with some nice words...it went like this (remember, Seth is in French Emmersion)...

Ma Maman Est Speciale (My Mother is Special)

Ma maman est speciale parce qu'elle est toujours la pour moi! (my mother is special because she is always there for me...awww!)

J'aime quand ma maman a apoter pour voir mon cousin. (I love when my mother takes me to visit my cousin.)

Ma maman a un beau sourire! Je la fais sourire quand je fait une blag! (My mother has a beautiful smile. I make her smile when I tell a joke.)

Ma maman est aussi belle qu'une rose. (My mother is also pretty like a rose.)

Ma maman est tres intelligente! Elle peut etre une tuter. (My mother is very smart. She could be a tutor.)

Isn't that the sweetest? I love to save all of those little gifts every year. The pile is ever growing. Blake also helped them make breakfast in bed for me. Definately a morning to remember. Thanks to all my boys for the special day!

Manic

I have always had very emotional highs and lows. When I am happy, I am REALLY happy. When I sad or angry, the feeling is intense. As I have grown it has become much less intense but I still have my moments. I have spent many sleepless nights when my mind just wouldn't turn off. I call them "Random Thoughts". You know, when maybe you think back to a situation and wonder what you could have done differently, or felt dissapointed in yourself for something and your mind just takes you to that negative space...the one that beats you up. I believe most people have these thoughts from time to time. It all depends on the regularity and severity of the thoughts. A few years back I started seeing a theripist to cope with the anxiety I was experiencing. I didn't go to him for long, but the information he gave me was priceless. He encouraged me to speak my mind and make my voice heard. He encouraged me to stand up for myself and also helped me to calm myself before the hyperventilation started. Unfortunately, my husband didn't like the fact that I was discussing my relationship with him from time to time and discouraged me from going anymore. Funny, I really didn't heed the advice that sounded so good in his office...I stopped going but am to this day MUCH more equipped to deal with things. I really believe it also has to do with my circumstance now versus then. There are logical reasons why John and I couldn't stay together. We are both much happier apart.

A good friend of mine once described my behavior in high school as "Manic". He said that a few years back. Kenn and I were pretty good friends, and he would definately have spent enough time with me to form an opinion based on observation. He's right. I had extreme highs and lows, focused on small happiness...just those "in the moment" joys like a favorite song played at a dance, or a great day spent with friends and when something bad happened, I focused all emotion on that. Church helped. I was attending the Mormon church--"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". That's where I met Kenny and many other friends who have impacted my life. I remember so many well loved people. I just cannot go as I do not fully share the beliefs although I think it is a good, clean way to live. I have much admiration for the devout. Quite honestly, I was a sad, confused girl. I had so many things happening at home, and in life. I loved moments in time, but didn't feel real joy in life for years to come. I so very badly wanted a family of my own. Someone to love me and make me feel happy and secure.

I am so greatful to be alive, to have 2 healthy boys and a love in my life. I view each experience as a learning one. I will no longer dwell on the past. That part of my life has ended. I simply felt compelled.

Divorce--Seth's Perspective

Ah my sweet, sensitive Seth. He has struggled with change since earliest childhood. I worked in a bank a couple of days a week when he was only a few months, and for the entire 5 hours I was gone, he would cry. If he was at our house he was all right, but take him out of his element and watch out! When we got posted back to HRM, I stayed home with him for a year before looking for work. He was just about 2 when we moved to the house and I went back to work only a couple of weeks before his 3rd birthday. He screamed, cried and followed me down the corridor every morning at daycare for a month. Eventually he adjusted. When John and I decided to split, we were also expecting Sidney and planned on sharing the house another year while he finished up the schooling and training he was doing. He had courses away from home and rather than leave the house and try to maintain 2 places, it seemed like the best solution. We didn't discuss it with Seth for many months, although he knew things were changing when his daddy started sleeping in the spare room. We were as open and honest as he could understand at the time. He accepted the fact that we were splitting much better than either of us expected...on the surface.

After we all talked about everything and Seth started to adjust to the idea, he would tell anyone that would listen; "my parents are getting a divorce!" "I am going to have 2 whole families instead of just one!" It certainly wasn't that simple for him. By this time, John was with Monica and I was with Doug. There was security in this for Seth. He likes the dual parent household. It comforts him. Things didn't stay that way in our world though. Doug and I split last spring and sent Seth into another little spiral. He spoke with a teacher at the Boys and Girls Club last summer. Someone he liked and trusted. He is so closed and dark sometimes. You can tell he is thinking about something, but he isn't willing to let us in to share his pain.

Seth recently had an outburst in class. What I mean is that he wasn't listening to instructions and his teacher spoke sternly to him. He sulked, and called her stupid. I will give you a moment to gasp! Anyhow, he didn't say it to her face. Another child overheard him and told the teacher. I received a call from her that she expected a letter of apology the next day. I had him write it out as I called Monica to fill her in. He waved the letter for me to look at, which I did when he left the room...

It was heartbreaking to read for me, I have to say. He said he was sorry for being disrespectful, but that he was upset because he wouldn't be with his new baby brother/sister it's whole life. He said also that he started wrestling more when Doug and I broke up--"just when I started to like him"(says Seth) and that he hoped she understood why he was upset. He said he doesn't want anything to happen with Mom and Blake and Dad and Monica. What it really comes down to is security. He doesn't want anything to change. Also, he has been feeling badly because he wants to stay at his father's for extra time after the baby is born. He didn't want to say anything for fear of hurting my feelings. He is all about being fair, making sure that Mom and Dad get equal time with them...he is conflicted.

I started bawling right there on the phone with Monica as I read these words to his teacher. How my heart goes out to him, so sensitive, so loving. I want him to always feel secure. It can be so hard to make any choice when you know it could potentially hurt your child. Monica said, "Oh Cori, you made the right decision leaving Doug. Things are happier for you and the boys now." This I know all too well, but it still makes me sad that Seth has been upset all this time.

We had a great talk, Seth, Blake and I. We discussed the situation with the baby. I told him that if he needs to spend extra time at Dad's to be happy, that was fine with me. Just come and see me sometimes so I won't miss you so very much...I want him to know that his feelings matter to us. Also, I don't mind the idea of having Seth and Sidney separated for some of the time. They fight and wrestle incessantly! They could use a little down time. I tried to reassure him of my relationship. No, we are not planning a wedding any time in the near future, but we are happy together. And, well, John and Monica are planning a wedding and they have a baby on the way...things are lookin good on that front too. He seems to be feeling more settled now. Here's hoping he will find a way to come to terms with it all.

Divorce--Sidney's Perspective

Sidney was only 1 year old when I moved from our family home. Many would say "why didn't you keep the house?" Well, I am a realist and I could not afford to take it on alone. It is funny to have conversations with him. Small ones have such a unique perspective.

We were driving in the car one time, Sid and I, and he was talking about Grammie (John's mom). I was responding to what he was saying, and he says..."Mama, do you know Grammie?" I said "Of course I do, Bubba". Then he says "Well, I never seed you talking to her before."

After thinking on it, I realized that he has never seen us in the same room together. Not since his very early childhood. Huh! True story.

Another day we were talking about babies. Monica's is due this month, so Sidney was saying that you get married, then you get a baby in your belly. I told him, close enough. Then he asked if I had one in my belly. Noooooo. I said, "I was married before Sidney." he says "To who?" I said "Well, Daddy."..."MYYYY DADDY?" followed by a lot of giggles. Funny how he would find that so amusing, but how can he not when he has never ever seen us together before?

I also had a relationship in between splitting with John and becoming involved with Blake. His name is Doug. Sidney got pretty close with him. Closer than Seth did for sure. I decided after too long in that it was not going to work for me and my children long term. He is a nice enough person, but just didn't want what I wanted in a relationship. Everything changes when you have children. They are an extension of you and must be included in the equation to a high degree. I must say though, Sidney's concern for Doug is that he is not alone. A friend told me he was with someone so when I told Sidney that Doug had a new girlfriend, all was well in his world. He just doesn't want anyone to be all alone.

Lastly, we have moved to 4 different places since I moved out of the house. Their father has moved once. Sidney has proven to be a very adaptable child. Very accepting of change and quick to adjust to new surroundings, provided his personal comforts are at hand.

My Fresh New Look

I went through with it! I chopped the locks and I love it!

I am still getting used to styling it myself though. The downside is that now I require morning hair maintenance which I don't care for, but all in all...change is good!

Little Friends

We have ants...again! I spent several years dealing with them in my old house, and here I am again. Crap. Has to do with the soil around the properties.

I am home with Sidney for the day because he has pink eye...ewwww. Anyhow, we were in the kitchen getting toast when we found some ants on the counter. Sidney likes to squish them between his fingers, or step on them when he has the chance, but this time a little ant crawled onto his hand. He squished it a little first, but it was still truckin along. He let it crawl for a few seconds...giggling at the way it tickled his arm. Then he says "oh, maybe he'll stay with me for a while." ANYTHING for a friend, I suppose. Enjoying the morning with him today. It feels good to spend one on one time with each of them.

My Hair, My Samson

I have been letting my hair grow since Seth was born in October 1997. I have made slight changes to it since, but only an extra layer or whatever. I only trim it once or twice a year on average, and I have added highlights 3 times over the past 8 years. I have finally gotten up the nerve to change it. Thursday is the day...

I don't know why, but it's almost like my hair is my strength and confidence. Sound weird? Ah well, that's me. It makes me feel pretty. I suppose that's because as it was growing, I was also loosing weight (40 pounds, actually) and I was starting to look and feel better about myself. In my opinion, my hair is my best feature. It is certainly what people comment on the very most. I have held off on cutting/changing it drastically. Part of me is afraid that the confident feeling I carry will go away when I make that change. Silly, really...

My sisters sent me a little gift the other day. A beautiful spring jacket in turquoise, and a really pretty dress that I can wear to work. I have been looking at the jacket and imagining myself wearing it with a different hairstyle. I know in my mind what I want, we well have to see how it all turns out. I need to do this. I need to update my style. I will post a picture once I have done the deed. Wish me luck!