Saturday, May 12, 2007


I have always had very emotional highs and lows. When I am happy, I am REALLY happy. When I sad or angry, the feeling is intense. As I have grown it has become much less intense but I still have my moments. I have spent many sleepless nights when my mind just wouldn't turn off. I call them "Random Thoughts". You know, when maybe you think back to a situation and wonder what you could have done differently, or felt dissapointed in yourself for something and your mind just takes you to that negative space...the one that beats you up. I believe most people have these thoughts from time to time. It all depends on the regularity and severity of the thoughts. A few years back I started seeing a theripist to cope with the anxiety I was experiencing. I didn't go to him for long, but the information he gave me was priceless. He encouraged me to speak my mind and make my voice heard. He encouraged me to stand up for myself and also helped me to calm myself before the hyperventilation started. Unfortunately, my husband didn't like the fact that I was discussing my relationship with him from time to time and discouraged me from going anymore. Funny, I really didn't heed the advice that sounded so good in his office...I stopped going but am to this day MUCH more equipped to deal with things. I really believe it also has to do with my circumstance now versus then. There are logical reasons why John and I couldn't stay together. We are both much happier apart.

A good friend of mine once described my behavior in high school as "Manic". He said that a few years back. Kenn and I were pretty good friends, and he would definately have spent enough time with me to form an opinion based on observation. He's right. I had extreme highs and lows, focused on small happiness...just those "in the moment" joys like a favorite song played at a dance, or a great day spent with friends and when something bad happened, I focused all emotion on that. Church helped. I was attending the Mormon church--"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". That's where I met Kenny and many other friends who have impacted my life. I remember so many well loved people. I just cannot go as I do not fully share the beliefs although I think it is a good, clean way to live. I have much admiration for the devout. Quite honestly, I was a sad, confused girl. I had so many things happening at home, and in life. I loved moments in time, but didn't feel real joy in life for years to come. I so very badly wanted a family of my own. Someone to love me and make me feel happy and secure.

I am so greatful to be alive, to have 2 healthy boys and a love in my life. I view each experience as a learning one. I will no longer dwell on the past. That part of my life has ended. I simply felt compelled.

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