Tuesday, March 04, 2008

All I Am Is...

There's this song I remember from my teen years. It's not on the radio or anything, I actually heard it at a live show by a Mormon singing group called "The Young Ambassadors". One of the lines goes like this:

All I am is just a housewife. Nothing special, nothing great.

It goes on to list all the little things she deals with in a day. Fighting children, cooking meals, cleaning house (all of which I do, of course along with my 8-5 job). When I am feeling particularly discouraged with myself or just life in general, I hear it in my head something like this:

All I am is just a secretary. Nothing special, nothing great.

The extent of my post secondary education is a 1 year Office Administrative Assistant program. I sometimes lament because I was too emotionally scattered after high school to do anything of substance with my life (although I did move across the country on my own and managed to learn some lessons about in being a responsible adult). My father paid for each of my brothers to go to university, but I somehow missed the boat on that one. I just wasn't around at the right time or something I guess. I met my ex at age 23 and helped him establish his career before we split 10 years later, but we never seemed to have the money for me to take accounting or computer courses. Always more pressing things to spend the cash on with a house, car and child. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a failure being a single mother and all (since I couldn't even keep a relationship together either). I get down because I want so much to give them what they need and want (within reason). I know that I have the boyfriend, but it is important to me to be self sufficient. I have been working at the same job and with mostly the same people for the last 7 1/2 years and I just feel like I am treading water. I have had 1 (that's right folks, I did say 1!) $.50 raise in the last 4 years. WTF am I going to do with only $.50 more per hour in 4 years? Well, not much I can tell you! I apply for other positions, but because I have no experience with most of the newer accounting programs, I don't often get considered. I have been trying (but to no avail) to get my boss to put me on the payroll course, but he insists that it is of no benefit to him. I know this is a lot of stuff I am talking about today, but it has been just eating me up.

Did I mention that I have not had a vacation in 6 years? I have taken the occasional long weekend, but my 10 days of vacation per year get eaten up with sick days for me and the boys. No, I do not have any paid sick days. Today I am feeling so tired, so discouraged, and rather inadequate all at once. I feel like just screaming at everyone who comes into my office (with the exception of Di perhaps). I have a doctor's appointment this coming Monday and am considering taking the day off just for me. I don't know what I want to do really, maybe just sit quietly or something. I am standing in my friend's wedding this summer so no matter how many sick days I take between now and August, I still have to take time off for that as it is out of province. Sadly, it should be something I look forward to but all I can think of is how am I going to pay for school supplies and everything when I am taking a whole week off. I think too much, you don't have to tell me.

On the positive side, I am lucky to be employed and have a roof over my head. I am so proud of my children and I believe I am teaching them good, valuable life skills. In that area I do feel adequate. I know that they love being with me even though I cannot provide as much stuff for them. I am proud of the way I live my life, I am just feeling a little low today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.


Eve said...

I feel ya, sister. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am rooting for you to get yourself a raise, or if they won't budge, to go out and look for another job. I know it's not easy there, but you are such a good worker, and deserve to be paid for it!


Eve said...

ps- I remember that song.

Mommato2 said...

Hey Girl....sorry you are having one of "those" days.

First of all, you are a Super Mommy....too bad the bay wasn't better though, huh?

Here is a suggestion for you...there seem to be so many correspondence courses these days...would it be feasible to take some type of course, and work at it on the weeks that the boys are with their Dad?

Just a thought....a 50 cent raise in I forget how many years you said...so so not fair. Tell them I said so!

Hugs to you this evening, my friend.

the princess said...

holy negative, wha?

eve~~i love you for your support. i love my job but am simply feeling under appreciated. i know these people so well that sometimes I might ask for some paperwork, or ask them to make a change for accounting purposes and get told off cause i'm pressuring them or something. it's like babysitting at work! i think that's my real issue at the momment.

TL~~i have often considered taking night courses. i will eventually (preferably in a classroom setting as it works better for me)but with the entrance of a third child it has become more difficult financially. i don't think i really say all the things here to really make anyone understand how much has happened in just the past 8 months! this too shall pass, I just have to get myself through it.

Princess of the Universe said...

*BIG HUG* Princess!
I wish I could give it to you in person! I think you're doing a spectactular job, and have so much to be proud of!!