On the Upside...

My skinny jeans fit!!!

'nuf said

Breaking Up: from heartache to happiness in 48 pages

One of my girls gave me the sweetest little book to read.

It's not quite as cute without the little cartoon gal but I think you'll enjoy it.

First Page says only "The End"

Being alone is one thing.

Being left alone is another.

As soon as you're told you are no longer wanted or loved...

your self-image takes a turn for the worse,

and you begin to hurt.

You feel inept, inadequate...

and positively good-for-nothing.

However--with some effort--you can make yourself smile.

To show there are no hard feelings, help him pack his belongings.

Begin with his laundry. You want to be sure he as clean undies. (Don't forget to starch them well.)

As you pack his socks, keep one from each pair. (Purely for sentimental reasons, of course.)

Make sure he has his favorite pajamas...*feeties*

and anything else he can't do without.*she's throwing his junk in a pile*

Give him half of everything. *cutting shirts in half*

Then say good-bye...

And don't look back.

Even though there are some things you can't do alone...

*see-saws, dancing, boating/water skiing, tennis*

Count your blessings!

Notice how the seat isn't left up anymore...

and how there's never any question about who ate the last chocolate chip cookie.

Enjoy your newly acquired wardrobe space...

and while you're at it, get rid of those silly things he expected you to wear.

Do your weekly grocery shopping. Notice that your bill--like your appetite--is next to nothing

...and delight in the fact that two can't live as cheaply as one.

When whatsisname comes by to say he's sorry, agree with him--and tell him no, you haven't seen his mother's picture, his magazine collection, or his favorite cashmere sweater.

Call all his friends you could never stand but had to tolerate, and tell them what you think of them!

Exercise your independence! *classic burning ceremony*

Weigh yourself. You're getting closer to zero every day. Smile.

Upon retiring, wear the ugliest, most unsexy, sloppy, wonderfully cozy, snug flannel nightgown you own...

Go to bed with dirty teeth.

If sleeping alone isn't your idea of a good time...

one way or another, you'll adjust. *stuffed toys*

Time doesn't fly when you're not having fun.

But that's what time is for...

to make things heal, make things better.

Soon, you'll see that for every problem...

there is a solution.

And by and by, that old feeling called "loneliness"...

begins to feel like something called "freedom."

Last page says only "The Beginning"

Shedding the "blue jogging pants" and getting on with it

During my senior year in high school a close friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) was devastated by a breakup. I believe they were together an entire 3? 3 1/2 months...anyhow, she was so sad. She used to stay over sometimes and come to school with me in the mornings. She wore the same pair of dark blue jogging pants every day for a month. My sister and I used to wonder aloud why she wouldn't just change her pants already. She just didn't care. She just wanted her comfort. I caught myself slipping into my favorite black gym pants for the 6th day running and decided maybe it was time to change it up a little. Now, I was only putting them on when I got home after work. I did make an effort to choose a different outfit for the 5 day work week. I couldn't be bothered to do my hair though. Ponytails are easier in the summer with the in between curly/straight hair.

Monday the boys came back home. I spent last weekend home alone for the most part. Midge and I (the break-up buddies) hung out a little, but mostly I was here. I haven't been watching much tv. I just don't feel like focusing on it. I did, however, watch American History X on Saturday night and decided to straighten my hair at the same time. I left it that way and had it down for work on Monday morning. I got a great deal of compliments that day.

Funny! I just had another high school memory. The above mentioned nameless friend and I had a theory on high school dances and looking hot. If we just wore nothing special during the week of the upcoming dance, no make-up, nothing fancy but picked something Really great to wear the night of the dance, we were sure to look all the more appealing. What do you think? Did that kind of thought work for any of you in high school? Any little techniques to share?

So, this afternoon at work I had a good laugh. I'm not sure if I should have been laughing about it but it felt good so whatever...

My boss said that I have lost weight, to which I replied "well, I'm eating." and went back to working. He came in later and said he hoped he hadn't offended me. I said "oh no, I just don't really have anything to say about it I guess, but thanks."

I told Di and another girl out back about it as I was getting something in the warehouse for a customer and Di yelled out, "Princess, you sure did lose weight. You lost 150 pounds of boyfriend." I'm not sure why, but I laughed so hard I could have actually peed a little. I didn't say I did by the way, just that I could have.

So What? I'm still a Princess.

How can you not love Pink? I love this song!

Not saying all the words apply to my particular situation, but this totally kicks ass.

Na na na na na na na...I wanna start a fight!

Failable

Sometimes even princesses make mistakes. It just so happens that the one I made hurt someone I love very much and caused him to walk away from my life. It remains to be seen if there is anything I can do about it, but for now I just want to say that I accept responsibility for my own actions. I read something recently that really helped me through this week. It's from a self-help book a friend of mine is reading and it goes like this:
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If you've ever been criticized or rejected or have failed to achieve an important goal, you know how natural it is to feel hurt and disappointed. But if you berate yourself as worthless and unlovable, you'll be giving yourself distorted messages and destroying your self-esteem. Being rejected and failing are universal human experiences. They don't make you "a reject" or "a failure"--they make you a human being.

Even if you behave badly, it won't do much good to write yourself off as a "bad person." You will simply waste time and energy ruminating about how lousy and terrible you are. This will only incapacitate you and make the problem worse. In addition, this is very self-centered because you're entirely caught up in yourself! Genuine self-esteem is based on humility and an acceptance of your shortcomings. This makes it possible to assume responsibility for your actions, to feel remorse, to apologize and make amends, and to get on with productive and joyous living.

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Certainly words to live by. This taught me something about myself. I have struggled with esteem issues always, but when I read this I thought to myself "Princess, you love yourself. You really do. You do really stupid things sometimes, but you are not currently suffering from low self-esteem." While this does not take away my sadness, it does allow me to have more positive thoughts. Thank goodness for my children who kept me focused for the past week and a bit. I am alone now. Time to contemplate and just be.

The Workplace Meltdown

It finally happened. I have been doing so well this week.

I have been going to work, getting plenty done, managing my sadness, but alas...something had to give.

After coming home for lunch and writing the little "happy" post below, it all came crashing in on me...

I was driving back to work and noticed a delivery truck headed my way. We passed one another and guess who it was?

the boyfriend

I didn't get a chance to beep or anything. I was sort of stunned.

Does that make sense? I suppose it is the first time I've seen him in a week. Oh that face!

When I got back to work, couple came in to see one of the salesmen. He wasn't in and they expressed frustration at not having their calls returned. It was a name I recognised because I have been trying to locate some 10 year old paperwork for warranty service for them. I explained that I have not been able to find the box for that year to send reference numbers to the company. The man then wanted me to explain all the details of why I couldn't locate it, what happened to it...whatever.

Honestly, at that moment I didn't give a shit what they wanted.

I wanted to shout at them...

Don't you understand that my boyfriend just left and I really don't want to argue with you over paperwork?!

He's gone! Can you possibly understand that? I am standing here talking to you about stupid paperwork while my life is falling apart around me. Can't you see I am in pain? Can't you see?

Of course, I finished the conversation stating that I would discuss it with the salesman and the manager when they got back to the office, because you know these things always happen when the people in question are out.

I went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I cried and cried. I felt my body shaking and my breathing get quicker. I went back to my desk did what I could then the boss told me to take off, breathe deep and don't worry. It'll be ok.

I'll be ok...just having a moment. An extremely irrational emotional moment.

Hot Damn!

So, Seth, Sidney and I were in the car this morning and "In The Ayer" came on the radio. All 3 of us were singing and dancing in our seats. Seth knows almost all the words, although he insists he doesn't really like rap music. A sweet, bright start to my day. Actually, it was really amusing.

Like Being Hit By a Mac Truck

That's just how I feel. Beaten and Broken.

All I do is think, think, think. It's difficult to shut it off.

Will I see him next week? Is it all over?

Am I prepared to deal?

I am so sad my heart aches.

I know I can deal. I have proven it time and time again.

I will be sad but I will be ok. My children will as well. Either way.

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When I got back from lunch today there was a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses in a vase sitting on my desk...next to it a card.

As you can probably imagine, my mind was reeling!

Could these be from him? We did speak last night.

With shaking hands I opened the card.

My sweet, loving cousin stopped by to bring by a card and flowers to say she was thinking of me. Do you know I haven't even spoken with her at all since this went down? She reads my blog and is on my facebook and just wanted me to know she loved me.

I am kind of glad I wasn't there when she arrived because I don't think I would have been able to keep from crying...not just the streaming tears and sniffling kind either. Nope! The real gushy loud cries that express how I feel right now.

I called her to say thanks.

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I have such special friends and family in my life. Although sometimes I feel all alone because they aren't all close by, I truly value each member of my family and the unique relationships that we share. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, loving, understanding and accepting friends.

I thank all my blogger friends as well. Sometimes it feels good to express myself here to a completely non-biased group of people. Thank you for your good thoughts.

I am managing my days and doing ok. Next week will be tricky because I will be all alone. I have to learn to get used to it.

I have to...

Suck it up, Princess!!!!!!!

Sidney's First Day

First Day

Every one has a "First Day"

when they feel sad and all alone.

It can be so scary

when you're out on your own.

Take my hankie, dry your tears.

You'll find lots of things to do

and you'll probably make new friends.

I promise we'll be together

when the school day ends.

Here comes the teacher,

blow your nose and be brave.

Come on now wipe your eyes,

this is no way to behave.

"Well good morning teacher.

We really must beg your pardon.

No, Mommy doesn't always act this way

but it's my first day of school."

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I met Seth and Sidney at the school on Wednesday morning. My goodness I can't believe they're getting so big and growing up so fast. My baby is in school now and he's going to be just fine. I have been a little pre-occupied this week and completely forgot to bring my camera. I was there though and I saw it. Seth waved us off like an old pro...grade 5 is so close to king of the school. We went into Sid's classroom to give some information and watched him find a seat and all. He got up to put his backpack on his hook and when he turned, someone had taken his seat. He didn't miss a beat and simply found another one. I warmed my heart to watch him...my baby no more. I cried in the car.

Confessions of a Very Sad Princess

The day I wrote my last post was DECISION DAY. It was the day told the boys that we would no longer be living together. Each child had his own horrible reaction. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Before I even got the first sentence out...

Seth said: "You're breaking up? *choking through tears* "YOU'RE BREAKING UP?!"

Subsequently causing Tyler to bury his face in has hands and just cry...just cry.

Sidney (who is by far the most vocal) starts crying really loud and yells..."why?...Why?...WHY?"

We did right by them. We talked and consoled and assured them that they could still see one another, I assured Seth that we wouldn't have to move. Sidney suddenly clicked in that we were talking about the boyfriend actually leaving, Tyler leaving, them going to their father's.

"Mama! You're going to be all alone!"

My god, my god. The tears shed that night.

Some things happened that caused our relationship to be tested. I have to tell you that I really do love this man and I am unsure what my future may hold. If I am meant to be with him, we will find our way back. For right now I need to work on me. I need to work out, spend time with my girls, blog, enjoy time with my children and figure out what I can learn about myself in the process. I want true happiness.

This week has been an awful blur. I was home on Wednesday and again with the boys on Thursday. It was good to spend the next day with them and be completely available for them. They went back to their father's early. They didn't want to, but I didn't want them to see the boyfriend go. That's too much to bear for them. So much for me as well. I have been cleaning like a maniac. I had to take some medication to calm myself in order to function honestly. I did work on Friday (completely without chemical aid). I got a lot done and was able to focus (somewhat anyhow). This weekend has been tremendously difficult. There are empty spots where stuff once lived. I have been pacing. Unable to sit for any length of time at all. I will get through this. We are talking and being kind to one another and that helps. This pain shall pass and I will learn from this experience.