Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I've had a cold for the last 3 weeks. I've only missed 1 1/2 days so far, but I fear tomorrow might be a stay home day as well. I've got a bronchial infection now. Errrrrrrr!

The boys just came back on Friday (we switched last weekend because I had to work). I started feeling quite horrible again at work on Friday afternoon, and went into the walk in clinic today to have it checked out. We've had plenty going on here as well. The spring fair at the boy's school was yesterday *Diana came along*. We got some temporary tattoos placed on our skin by "the prettiest girl in school--aka Seth's girlfriend". She's so freakin cute it's unreal! Luckily, the very idea of actually holding her hand or kissing her is still beyond his interests at the moment. *insert contented sigh here*

Sidney had a birthday party to attend at an indoor pool today. We went to the medical clinic before hand, so Seth and I dropped his little brother off for a swim and spent some time together. I had to get my prescription filled, so we wandered through the pharmacy and then had a little lunch. I got one dose into me so far, so fingers crossed. I really do enjoy one on one time with each of the boys. Makes them feel so special.

Although I'm not all that hungry, I'm making some delicious pork side ribs, rice and veggies for dinner. Should be ready shortly. I don't have a huge appetite this weekend, but I figure I might as well have something I really like to motivate me. :)

I'm frustrated that I haven't got more energy and patience for them today. Hopefully by mid-week I'll be almost back to normal. I've also meant to tour around to every one's blogs. May was like a snotty, coughing blur. Onto June now. Let's leave this behind, shall we?

Sugar and Spice...are we really that nice?

The general manager's little girl has pink eye. He had her at work this morning for a couple of hours as they wouldn't take her at daycare, and he had a couple of interviews scheduled for the morning. She hung out with me and Di. We set her up at her own little desk to draw...no different than little boys in that regard, only the picture scenes change. What a hunny that one is! My goodness she's a sweet little thing. Once she spent some time with me, she'd hide in my closet and call out "boo!" when I came close to her.

From the perspective of a woman, I think that most little girls (if they dream of having children someday) picture themselves with a baby girl. Dressing her up all pretty, doing her hair and having tea parties, you know?

Once I was all growed up and got myself knocked up, I was told at the 5 month mark that I was likely having a girl. I had chosen a name but had a boy's name chosen also *just in case they were wrong*.

I got so many frilly pink girlie things it's not even funny. My stepmother had been out to some yard sales and came over with a couple of boxes full of it! My ex-husband's mother was dying to have a grand daughter *actually would have been the second, but that's another story* so she could have her little baby girl ears pierced. I was undecided on the piercing but has it turned out, it was all for nothing because my sweet little angel boy Seth was born instead.

It took me less than 15 seconds to completely adjust my thinking to the fact that I would not be having tea parties and styling hair as of yet. You know? I'm so glad! Boys? They love their mamas. They do.

Girls? They need us when they're little, but become hateful with teenage girl drama and everything changes for a time. And then there's the whole moody/bitchy girl stuff. Uggg...it all comes back around though, and certainly I am generalizing here but you know what I mean, yes?

As the old saying goes...

"With boys at least you only have to worry about 1 prick, not a neighbourhood full of them." :)

Having boys rocks! Just sayin is all.

My, how fast they grow!

I figured since I'm back that I should let you all see how big my sweet boys are getting. Time passes so quickly. I don't want to miss a moment of it. I want to take them to get some family pictures done over the next couple of months. It sure would be nice to have something lovely to hang on the wall. I've only got 1 picture of the 3 of us together. That's just not enough for me. I need to fix that, yep.

~~my little boy looking coy~~

~~yay! we found monkey!~~

~~me and my monkey~~

~~showing me his new wristband--rockerboy~~

~~showing me the fake smile~~


~~best buds~~

Words that really move me

You're gonna think it's odd that I'm saying this about a song. I mean...it's ONLY a song, right? nope. Music so often moves me. I listen first to the music...the voice...definately the words. On a recent Saturday expedition to Wal-Mart with the boys I purchased Pink's new cd. Naturally, I listened to the songs I love the most first. As many times in a row as I damn well please thankyouverymuch! Then I listened to the entire cd. haha! I almost wrote album if you can believe that. Anyhow, I love all the songs but this one has really just touched me. Beautiful words, beautiful melody. It's not one I can find on youtube but if I can figure out how to get it on my computer then into a post I will soooo play it for you.

Crystal Ball ~~ Pink

I'm drinking wine and thinking bliss
Is on the other side of this
I just need a compass
And a willing accomplice
All my doubts have filled my head
Cascading up and down again
Up and down around again
Down and up and down again

Oh I've had my chances and I've taken 'em all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
* to end up right back here on the floor*

Chorus:

Pennies in a well
A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
A fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal
The cracks in the crystal ball

Sometimes you think everything
Is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness
And a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience
And a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
Oh I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
*woudn't trade the pain for what I've learned*

Chorus (above)

Irony, irony
Is hating love, hating love
For what it does to me
What it's done to me
What it's done
Done

Chorus:

Pennies in a well
A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders
On my way to hell I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all
No I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal
The cracks in the crystal ball


________________________________________________

In other news...

My high school reunion is coming up this July. Yay! I've already bought my ticket. I've been trying to reach my good friend KennyG to take me to "prom". We've never had any romantic involvement *friends since age 13 or so* but I would love to walk in with him. Actually, he was at the 10 year one with me and Adair. It'll be much more fun if he comes with. :)

My beutiful seester Eve (who I totally wish was gonna be here for it as well) sent me the most beautiful summer dress that I am totally wearing to the dance. Oh it's sooo freakin pretty! Now I need to figure out the shoes and jewery situation. Nothing fancy, understand just...do I need to wear something a little more bold around my neck with the neckline of the dress? I'm definately going to have to post a picture. Maybe someone can help me figure it out.

yeah. I know I've said before that I was back and didn't stick around. I'm really going to work on that. I'll be visiting around here shortly. I'm glad to be back.

kisses,

the princess
*yeah, that's right. so what? I am a princess*

The redemption of the tooth fairy

Yes, I am really lame at keeping up here. In truth, there has been a lot of good going on in my life but I've not been sharing here. Not fair. Sorry about that. I'd really like to ease back into princess mode. It's funny learning how to be single. I've never done it for any length of time in my life before this, so it's a big change. I like it. I love being my own boss...not that I was bowing down before, but certainly always eager to please. I'm learning to trust in my decisions and not second guess myself. I've always been responsible and capable of making good choices for myself and my family, but I have always consulted...always.

You know? Those 2 months without the boys changed me. I'd literally never in my life spent that many consecutive days alone. So strange. I thought a lot, I learned to be alone and be comfortable with it. I stressed less about my housework, learned to relax a little bit...I still believe the boys would have done fine with the transition along with me, but it is what it is and it's all done now. As I've said, Sidney has been difficult to deal with at times, but overall he's still his sunny self. Seth is growing so tall and beginning to take interest in older things. We enjoy time together watching "The Big Bang Theory"...our favorite. We discuss music and watch videos together sometimes. It's nice to become his friend, someone he trusts to share his thoughts as well. I'm a happy woman.

There is a little residual drama from the fall. I'm being sued by the landlord from the townhouse. I did break my lease, as you know, but it's for a large sum of cash and for many things I disagree strongly with. My hearing at the Tenancy Board is coming up in a couple of weeks. I've got a couple of people coming as witnesses and I've written a response letter which I faxed a few days ago. All I can do is wait now. I've gotten a little discouraged from time to time considering how big the effects of this...the breakup, the move, the pain...really are. How much it's effected everything. We'll see how it all goes. I've come out of a dark place in my life with a much stronger mindset. I won't be fooled again my friends. I'm doing this my way now. It's all about the princess.

Tracy and Baden are coming for the weekend. I'm so excited! Making a big turkey tomorrow and all the trimmings. I've got the boys right through until Monday morning...sweet!

A little over a year ago, I wrote this post when Seth lost a tooth. I'm not so good at remembering to do the tooth/money exchange. I will think of it when they go to bed, then forget by the time I go to bed. Sidney last his first tooth a couple of weeks ago and I forgot AGAIN! I snuck in after he'd gotten up in the morning and he just figured she came late. :) So, yesterday, they EACH lost a tooth! I fear Seth will eventually need braces. He has teeth growing up over the others...you know how that sometimes happens. Anyhow, since both boys had lost teeth, it was essential that I remember to play tooth fairy. I'm pleased to say that I managed to do it with finesse. Both boys are happy this morning.

~very enthusiastic about losing his first tooth~

~his shirt says: "My Mom Is #1"~

I will take some pictures of the boys over the weekend so you can see how big they have gotten. I'd really like to get Tracy to take pics of the 3 of us also. I don't have enough of those.

Happy Easter Everyone!

kisses

the princess

RRRRR! why do the words get all scrunched like that? I've edited it 3 times, and still all stuck together.

This and that...random stuff

My child still appears to be possessed by the devil. The first couple of days weren't too bad, in fact, I had just commented to their father on the phone what a good boy he'd been when all hell broke loose! I was telling Sid it was bedtime (a little early because he was flippin his lid)and I had to pick him up (while he clung to the stair rail and screamed like a banshee) to take him upstairs. He simply said "No! I'm not going to bed!!!". In the process, he proclaimed in an extremely loud voice how mean I was to him, and how I was not a nice mama...and he tried to bite me twice. Not cool. Ah well, the joys of parenting. I truly believe it will just take time for him to re-adjust to our new circumstance. I believe he is testing me since there is no longer someone here to back me up when problems arise. I think he is finding that it's not really working out all that well. He no longer has any toys in his room. They are all in the storage closet where they will remain until the demon is gone.

Seth traded the electric guitar his father bought him for a bass guitar. He is thrilled beyond measure! He ended up going to his dad's Saturday night just so he could see it. The very idea that it was there and he wouldn't see it until Monday was just too much to bare (or bear?) for him I guess. He was going on Sunday anyhow for a birthday party, so it was fine. It was pleasant to spend an day with just Sidney also. I think it helps a little.

Yesterday, Sid and I went to visit Midge and help prepare for miss Kaira's 5th birthday party. We all went swimming later in the afternoon, followed by pizza and cake. After that was over we drove out to pick up Seth. On the way back home Sidney said something funny...

"Hey mama, did you find a nice guy to marry yet?"

what? Do I seem that desperate? Naw, just kidding! I know they are just looking out for my happiness. Funny hey? I just said that no, I hadn't but that's ok. I'm very happy the way things are.

Later on after Sidney was tucked into bed, Seth suggested that I try E-Harmony to find my match. Bwaa Haa Haa! Again, just looking out for my happiness.

I told him that I really didn't want a boyfriend/relationship in my life right now and that I wanted it to be just us 3 for a while. He seems satisfied. I also reassured him that I do have friends and I do have things to pass my time. It's ok, really.

Seth tells me every day he's here how much he loves our new place. We are all feeling very comfortable and happy in our new surroundings, that being said, these are my little peeves:

every evening between appox. 6:30-8:00, we have no hot water. I think they must have too small of a hot water tank to accommodate all the units. It's a minor inconvenience since the boys are only here every second week. I just have to alternate bath nights and get them done early in the evening.

my assigned parking spot is across the street, not in my lot. strange, but true. the nice thing is that I can look out my front window and have a clear view of my car, but the downside is that we have to walk a little further in the slush, snow and ice to get to it.

coin laundry. i cannot express to you all how much i miss my washer and dryer. i have discovered that friday and saturday nights are excellent for getting it all done. there are 3 washers and 3 dryers. i did 5 loads on friday night. not too bad, but still a pain.

That all being said, it's still quite wonderful to be here and to have my life back on track. I am feeling so positive it's not even funny. I'm glad to be back.

kisses,

the princess

ps: I noticed on my last post that the comment line keeps disappearing. strange.

Let me do it!

Seth has really begun to develop his own unique tastes in music, art and entertainment. He has taken a real liking to Mad TV, have you seen it? Some of the skits are too mature in content for him but he'll turn it off if asked to do so. He favorite character is Stuart. He is often scanning youtube to watch the different scenes. I've decided to share this one with you, cause if you are unfamiliar with Stuart, he's got the devil in him just like my little bubba!



School was cancelled today due to inclement weather. Oh the joys of Nova Scotia! It looks absolutely fine out there, but having just gotten back to regular time with the boys I have to say it's nice to take a day off with them.

Before bed last night, Sidney threw the biggest fit. He tends to repeat himself and raise his voice when he doesn't get what he wants. I had to drag him upstairs to bed, push him to brush his teeth, and listen to him screech because "he wanted to play playstation2--not go to bed!" This morning was no different. He just doesn't listen all that well sometimes even though the rules don't change. He tries my patience very much and is damn lucky he's so cute.

I know I haven't been around all that much. I have been writing, but just elsewhere. I am doing very well and just finding my groove in my new single status. I still don't go out much but last week was an exception. I had plans every night but one the whole time the boys were at their dad's. Man, I have to say I was a little overwhelmed, but I had a lot of fun as well. I actually had a dinner date with a man I met in the fall. I'm not used to this dating stuff and I'm not looking for a relationship at all, but it was nice to have good conversation and enjoy a meal out. Free food is always good. We'll see if he calls again.

After all this time blogging, I finally figured out how to insert a video into a post! Progress is marvelous.

Back to life, back to reality

The last couple of weeks have gone by very quickly. I am done moving for a long time to come. I plan on staying right here until I buy a house, which I don't expect to do anytime real soon.

The boys came home yesterday. They are here for the next 9 days, then back to dad's for 7, then completely back to normal. How great is that? After putting all my stuff away, the more I look around, the more I love my new place. It was freshly painted and carpeted just before we got here so it's very perfect.

I can't tell you how great I feel having gotten things all back together again. All I could think of yesterday was...

I'm getting my balance back.
I'm getting my life back.
I'm getting my boys back.
I'm home.

So far 2009 is looking pretty good. I can't believe all the things going on with the boys these days! They are growing so tall and learning so many new things. It's not like I haven't seen or talked to them, it's just things I haven't told you yet that are certainly a great deal more noticeable when they are here. For instance, Seth told me some time ago that he and his buddies were taking girls to the Valentines dance at school. By the time his cousin came to visit close to Christmas, he was telling him how he had the phone number of the prettiest girl in the school and he had the piece of paper to prove it! I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry. How did he go from being my little boy to this oh so tall "tween" as he calls it? Wow.

Sidney is his usual ball of energy. He's been somewhat difficult through this fall. He's been missing me and acting out some. He's normally very dramatic, but it seems to be getting even harder to get through to him in those moments when he's frustrated or whatever. He's a sunny, good natured little guy, just starts wailing at the first sign of "NO!". He's really glad to be back with me and I am hoping things will tone down for him shortly. School is going well for him, and he has made a couple of great friends. No worries in the comprehension department with the french immersion either. All is well.

I am happy now. Moving on to a more positive phase of life. Ahhh...

Closer to Home

Sorry if I alarmed anyone with my absence. November was a month for hibernating, and December was a month for re-gaining personal strength and getting everything back on track. I am 90% moved in to my new apartment. I still have my bed, 1 bunk bed, my computer desk plus a few boxes here, but my storage unit is cleared out and I will be unpacking over the weekend. Perhaps not ideal for the holiday season, but it works well for me. I will be nesting and waiting for the return of my routine with the boys. I am so very happy and excited to be self-sufficient again. It makes me feel much calmer.

I got my hair cut and have decided that I need to go shorter and a little different next time. Change in stages is better for me. I want you all to know that I have been feeling very positive about myself and getting through everything ok. I had a little relapse of emotion at the end of November that I had to work through but I feel much stronger today.

Merry Christmas to all of you! For those of you celebrating and observing other holidays, I wish you the very best as well. It was my turn to have the boys for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning this year. We had an early celebration this past weekend with my cousin and her son. (Check out those lobsters. Don't they look YUMMY!) Today I feel very blessed to have had time with family and be surrounded with love. It was a small Christmas this year, but I did right by the boys and they had a lot of fun this morning. Santa gave them great gifts indeed. I am heading to Becca's for dinner and drinks tonight. I'm sure we'll have a great time.

mmmmm...lobster! starting my new family tradition

Here we are in front of my pretty tree

I promise I'll come back.

kisses,

the princess

Healing with Twinkle

My friend's place is very nice. She has each room painted in a different earth tone. She has a lot of candle holders and sconces and some white lights above the china cabinet for soft evening light. She also has them all around the fence of the backyard. There's this funky little hanging lamp in the bedroom that has little stars and moons cut out and that's where the light shines though. Perhaps I need to take a picture of it to show you. Soothing and soft. Ahhhhh

The boys are coming home tomorrow and my cousin and her son are visiting as well. I am really looking forward to a weekend with my family. This is a healing place my friends. And that's just what I am beginning to do. Re-read this post if you have another moment. The process has begun.

I mean Really, who throws a shoe anyway?

You know the expression “waiting for the other shoe to drop”? Well, they seem to be just falling from the sky. I have to break this up into manageable pieces as I do have a tendency to jump around. My thoughts flit…you know this.

Yesterday:

I have been taking an early lunch breaks because it’s generally busier in the afternoon and everyone is trying to get out for a break. It just makes it easier and I don’t really mind. I was coming back from lunch and at a busy intersection just about a minute from work as I turned into the right turning lane and yielded to oncoming traffic. I was waiting the green car pass when this BIG ASS yellow company truck (not my company of course) did not yield, therefore rear-ending me with a HUGE FREAKIN BANG! My car lurched forward, luckily not into traffic. I was able to get it to the shoulder of the road and turn it off. Then the hyperventilation set in.

*first thought*~~shit! Now I have to miss more time at work, just what I need…followed by a mental string of vile curses. It was pouring rain and I called work immediately to ask someone to come help me deal (since I am on the verge of hysteria and need reason), then I kinda rub my neck and get out to look at the back of the car. I spend a very short time examining the back (not realizing the damage on the right side at that point). Driver gets in to write down his info and ask if I’m ok. I tell him that it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t already been having a few nasty days before.

I spent the entire afternoon at emergency. Unfortunately, I met no cute ambulance drivers, police, nurses or doctors. Apparently the fireman was good looking but I couldn’t turn my head to look. Anyhow, I had my first ambulance ride and cursed the entire ride there. So…I have whiplash. NICE. You do realize that I’m moving this week right? Packing’s gonna be a bitch.

Thursday:

Shortly after 4:30pm that day I received a call at work from one of the leaders at the morning/after school program. For the second week in a row he had been short, rude and disrespectful to her, therefore he would be suspended from the club for a day. He is normally quite well behaved so there’s something up. I called to tell his father and he got angry first, then told me Seth has been asking to see a therapist. I do not object to this, it’s just a lot to absorb all at once. I finished work and went to collect the boys. I told Seth to go to his room and read and that we would talk about it later. We talked. I am sad for him. I don’t know what’s wrong and we aren’t who he wants to talk to. This is going to be good for him I think. Just a scary new phase.

So, after the boys settled in for bed their father called back.

Baby daddy~~”I am worried about their behavior lately and think that they should stay with me for the next 2 months while you are in transition. That would be best, don’t you think? All settled in the new apartment?” sigh “Princess, it makes me sick to my stomach to have to call. I know you have been dealing with a lot of things right now and maybe this will be better for them.”

Mental me~~”NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THEM. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THEM FROM ME. I NEED THEM. I BETTER GET SOMETHING IN WRITING!

Aloud~~”I’m not sure I can handle that. I’m not sure they can. We need to talk to them.” *of course there was quite a bit of tears on my end as well.*

Ok my friends…so I understand all the practical reasons, the transition period and all of that. My rational mind tells me that even if this happens it’s not the end of the world. I can still see them on weekends and go to their activities. I still have them for Christmas Eve. I can see the upside. I can exercise every day and get into a balanced routine so that when they come back I am more healed and more healthy. *incidentally I am shrinking a little…trying to keep it under control* But, then there’s this whole other part of me that is just losing it. These are my children. How can I not see them when I am supposed to see them? How much will they miss me? I have been crying for days.

Saturday:

The ex boyfriend dropped his son off for a sleepover. He spoke with each of my boys (which was very nice) and we had a sweet, civilized, positive conversation ourselves. I never ever like for things to end on bad terms and with angry feelings, so it was comforting (even though I still know I need time all alone to heal). You have to know how much confusion was running through my brain. I wanted to hold him close, you know? It was nice, but it’s still over.

Today:

Whiplash is a bitch. Insurance companies can be difficult, but I happen to have a great broker. She hooked me up with a nice agent at my insurance company who has already begun handling all the details. I worked half the day then came home to rest as my neck is really sore as well as my right shoulder and forearm. No bruising, no deployment of the airbag. Lucky me.

Baby daddy called back and wants to sit the boys down sometime this week to tell them they are staying with him for a while. The man has spoken. Shit! I could go to my lawyer and fix this…but I am not going to. I just want a document that we can both sign with witnesses that I will have my boys back with me as soon as this transition is done and lots of visits in the interim.

I am overwhelmed. Any words you can give me to make me feel better? Aside from saying good thing I was in a car and not walking? Cause that would suck. Scroll down to the last couple of posts…had some guests in the princess house.

whew...that was really long.

I got to rest now.

kisses
the princess

Landing on my feet with cat like stealth

When difficult situations arise, Mama Bear jumps out. On occasion it's more like a Mama Lion. I have trouble with change.

Change is good right?

Nope. I still don't like it. In this case though, I had to make some choices purely based on the well being and security of my children. I have the car now and my expenses have increased since I moved here while household income has drastically decreased just recently. It's all good...mama worked it out. The problem is not really change itself, it's the process of getting from point A to B. I get myself all worked up but...something was different this time. I actually had a lot of clarity. I worked out the details as best I could and researched my options with focus and determination.

I feel very blessed to have good people in my life. I received an email last week from a friend of mine. It was only a couple of sentences but I couldn't help but cry. She said "why don't you just put your stuff in storage for a bit and stay at my place? I can stay at my guy's place and you can bring the boys' bunk beds and a couple of dressers. That way you'll have your finances worked out and able to get your new place." I already worked out all the details of the new place. The issue is the loss of the damage deposit here (I have to break my lease-damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of thing) and coming up with another deposit (1/2 a month's rent).

How kind and generous. Really and truly I am grateful. Much like pinkpiddypaws (I would link it if I wasn't being lazy) I have trouble accepting help from others but am happy to give it. I had to think about this one for a couple of days but I feel good about my choice to accept her help.

Today is a good day. I spoke with my brother the genius on the phone for the first time in over a year. I always feel such joy when I talk to him. I also saw my guardian mom (who I haven't seen in a couple of years) on Sunday. We went to get the boys from their father's place and enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. Tomorrow is a new day. Each one gets a little more normal. I have to move at the end of the month so I won't post much. Perhaps I need to call on some sweet guest bloggers? Hmmm?

it's bedtime...

kisses

the princess

Confessions of a Very Sad Princess

The day I wrote my last post was DECISION DAY. It was the day told the boys that we would no longer be living together. Each child had his own horrible reaction. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Before I even got the first sentence out...

Seth said: "You're breaking up? *choking through tears* "YOU'RE BREAKING UP?!"

Subsequently causing Tyler to bury his face in has hands and just cry...just cry.

Sidney (who is by far the most vocal) starts crying really loud and yells..."why?...Why?...WHY?"

We did right by them. We talked and consoled and assured them that they could still see one another, I assured Seth that we wouldn't have to move. Sidney suddenly clicked in that we were talking about the boyfriend actually leaving, Tyler leaving, them going to their father's.

"Mama! You're going to be all alone!"

My god, my god. The tears shed that night.

Some things happened that caused our relationship to be tested. I have to tell you that I really do love this man and I am unsure what my future may hold. If I am meant to be with him, we will find our way back. For right now I need to work on me. I need to work out, spend time with my girls, blog, enjoy time with my children and figure out what I can learn about myself in the process. I want true happiness.

This week has been an awful blur. I was home on Wednesday and again with the boys on Thursday. It was good to spend the next day with them and be completely available for them. They went back to their father's early. They didn't want to, but I didn't want them to see the boyfriend go. That's too much to bear for them. So much for me as well. I have been cleaning like a maniac. I had to take some medication to calm myself in order to function honestly. I did work on Friday (completely without chemical aid). I got a lot done and was able to focus (somewhat anyhow). This weekend has been tremendously difficult. There are empty spots where stuff once lived. I have been pacing. Unable to sit for any length of time at all. I will get through this. We are talking and being kind to one another and that helps. This pain shall pass and I will learn from this experience.

Cracking Up

I know I need to eat. My belly is growling for food, but when I chew it tastes like cardboard. Dry and nasty. I can't eat.

I know I need to work to earn money, but how do I greet people in person or on the phone when I can't control my emotions enough not to cry? I am home today where I will cry in peace.

Do we work it out, or pack it in...this is the question. I don't mean to be evasive, but who wants to sort dirty laundry to the world? I just needed to say something. Write down my sad, confused thoughts. If we pack it in, how do we tell those beautiful children? If we stay together, can we ever truly work through it and be stronger? I have hope, but I am also a realist. I'll come back when I am feeling better. Hopefully from a happier place.

A Whole Hand

My Sidney is 5 years old today. You guessed it! That means that the NS School Board better watch out, cause here comes a tornado! He He...I suppose he isn't all that bad, but he IS quite a handful. He has more energy than 10 children and he is sharp as a whip.

As upsetting as it is for me (as a mama) to accept, there will be no more nap time cuddles and super silly pre-school games. He is growing up so fast. I can't believe he's starting school in a little over 2 weeks. I mentioned at work the time that he was born. Someone said "wow, you even remember the exact time?" You bet your ass I do!

Sidney's birth was a planned c-section. The first attempt (with Seth, of course) ended up being a 2 day affair, followed inevitably with a c-section. That's right folks, 2 days solid labour pains. I didn't even want to consider doing it again, so because of my bone structure and inability to pass a child through the birth canal, we planned out a date for me to have my second baby. I didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl but definitely settled on the name.

I was prepped for surgery only the freezing didn't take on the first try. They gave me another shot in the spine and I could still feel hands applying iodine on my lower belly. I remember feeling really panicked and calling out "I CAN FEEL THAT!" They assured me that everything was all right and to tell the doctor where you can feel. Ummm...everywhere HELLO! So third time's a charm right? They decided to give me an epidural instead so that they could dose me with more medicine if necessary. It finally worked. Once that was done it was only about 15 minutes before my little Bubba arrived to see the world for the first time. He was born at 9:14am on ( I am pretty sure) a Tuesday.

You can't possibly imagine how long it took for me to get feeling back in my lower body after all that freezing. Good thing I was there to stay for a few days. It was a much more pleasant experience to for-go the labour. Yep! Much nicer for the princess.

When In Rome...

I needed a vacation from my vacation. I was so sleepy last week that I couldn't even muster the energy (after work, kids and what have you) to blog. I wanted to but just didn't feel like typing. It's just the boyfriend and I now for the next 2 weeks so I'll post more soon.

I have to tell you that all my life people have always made the same comments to me about visiting Newfoundland. Newfies are the friendliest people in the world, and that they love their booze. Now, I'm quite sure not EVERY person in the province is a drinker but just to be hospitable they offer company either a tea or an alcoholic beverage.

My father is from Newfoundland so I am somewhat familiar with the party style. Most common is the kitchen party. We do that here in Nova Scotia as well. It's closest to the fridge. Now, in the summer you switch to a cooler out on the patio.

My dad, his wife and I spent our evenings drinking beer outside for 3 nights running. Becca and her new husband (had to say it cause it just sounds so sweet) picked me up at my dad's and I went to her home town to prepare for the wedding (as I said in a previous post). I actually spent some (and by some I mean all) late evenings out on the front porch getting to know Becca's man better (after doing all the wedding prep and visiting with Beck, of course). He and I have never been really close friends or anything, so it was nice to see a different side of him. All the love he has for my friend was so much more apparent during that week. He has married into a truly beautiful family. I will post some pictures tomorrow.

To sum it up, I drank 7 nights in a row. No freakin wonder I didn't want to type last week! I have to remind myself sometimes that I really am not 27 anymore.

Incidentally, I have been reading many posts. I have been keeping up but tight-lipped on the comments.

kisses

the princess

Turbo-Tanned and Ready for my Cruise

The Princess is going on Vacation! I will be sailing the choppy waters of the Atlantic Ocean to visit my father and stepmother in Newfoundland tomorrow night. It's a trip that will take many hours of driving, then a ferry ride for about 6 hours, then another long drive. It'll be worth it for my parents to see their grandchildren after a long 3 1/2 years not seeing them. Unfortunately, the boyfriend couldn't get the time off for the week but is driving us to the ferry. I went for my final tan at my salon tonight and now my face is even tanned!


It's actually Tuesday, July 29 today. I never got a chance to get past the first sentence of this post with everything that was going on. I am here in NFLD now and am traveling from my parent's home to Rebecca's hometown to prepare for the wedding on Saturday. Luckily I got to be here for my stepmother's birthday (today) and spend some time with her. My main purpose for the trip however, is the wedding, so I will have to update you further later in the week. It's insane busy. I have lots of talking to do! Kisses! Talk to you soon.

The Grudge~~part #1

I forgive easily but have great difficulty forgetting offences against me or my loved ones. I don't believe this is an unusual trait for a woman.

So there's this horrible Bitch-Cow-Whore (yes, this is how I refer to her) that I will never forget. Her name is actually Rhonda, but I like Bitch-cow-whore so much better. She was my older brother's first live-in girlfriend, which puts us way back in...1986? 1987 perhaps? Anyhow, I went to visit at their place one weekend and I took along all the pictures I had in my possession. All of the family photos that exist. We sat there for hours, my brother and I, sorting and battling for certain shots. There was one in particular...just a snap shot of our parents together. My mother with jeans and a t-shirt that said "Eat a beaver, save a tree"(which we both thought was hilarious!) and my father with his arm around her. They divorced when I was 7, so there weren't a lot of those shots available. I finally relented and let my brother keep that one along with many others. See, I have all of our baby pictures and baby books along with many school pictures, report cards, all of that stuff.

A couple of months later, my brother shows up at my place to talk to me because he had finally decided to leave her. Good, I thought. She's a bitch-cow-whore and not good enough for my brother. But here's the catch...the stupid bitch THREW OUT all of his things! Records, books, and worst of all...PICTURES OF OUR DEAD MOTHER!!! What kind of person does something like that? I would not likely recognise her all these years later, but have always vowed that if I did see her, I would give her a good hard punch in the face.

Desperately Random Thoughts

So, you may have noticed that I haven't been writing much lately. I still don't entirely feel like it, but I really do want to. It's like there have been so many thoughts floating around in my head I just didn't want to write it and sound negative, you know? Talking while in the middle of it all was just too much for me. I haven't really been calling my girls as much either. Just need to relax and regroup a little I guess. Now I am going to spill.

~Seth's MRI~

I called my doctor's office on Monday but didn't get a call back. I called again on Tuesday and my doctor answered. I asked about the results and she said she hadn't received them yet and that I should call the ortho surgeon's office. She also said that if he felt from the beginning that it could be something very serious, he would have called her. I called the surgeon's office and spoke with a kind lady named Tanya. Well, Tanya told me that she would check into it and call me back. She wrote down my work number and I continued on with my day. She called me back a couple of hours later to say that the doctor had not had a chance to look at the test results yet. She said that she would leave them on his desk and that I should expect a call for an appointment to review the results. I am really trying to be patient...really I am.

Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE!

Did I say that out loud? Sorry about that. Anyhow, I talked to my doctor again yesterday just to say thanks for encouraging me to call his office and to let her know that he hadn't seen the report yet. She asked me what the doctor had said when he saw the lump to begin with. (Seth went to that appointment with his dad so my information was second hand. We work hard to pass important information as soon as possible.) I told he that he didn't think it was anything serious but that he would like to have the test done to be certain. *yes, let's be very certain about this puhlees * She said that she believes that if he thought it was serious he would have called her by now. I trust my doctor, I like my doctor and so I wait. So, when should I start harrassing the ortho's office?

~Children~

Seth has been very well behaved lately I must say. He is such a clever, serious boy. He is doing well in school and has decided not to argue with me as much about doing homework. He gets all in a snit sometimes and we have been working on that. He is rather bossy and mean to his little brother though, so he gets "spoken to" *aka yelled at* quite often. Again with the patience. I will say it once, then again. If by the third time the behavior isn't rectified there is some serious trouble brewing. I usually take something away for a period of time. It varies for each child. For Seth it is usually no WWE, no computer, no video games...depending on the offence of course. For everyday getting along and doing what he's told he is awesome. We leave the house at 7 every morning and he is always ready. Of course, he and I have had this routine for almost 8 years now.

Sidney is such a little drama queen! *ahem...king I mean* He is 4 now and starting big boy school this fall. He is just the funniest little guy, although he has recently become very sensitive about it. The boyfriend summed it up by saying that if he is trying to be funny he wants you to laugh but if he just says something and he wasn't trying he gets upset just cause he doesn't understand why we think it's so funny. Ah the joys of 4 year olds. He was the devil here a couple of weeks ago. The entire week consisted of ridiculous battles of will with anything that needed to be done. Baths, meals, getting dressed...you name it, he freaked about it. Good times, good times. Last week was a bit better. It's a constant struggle, but a the normal phase for his age. Testing boundries and all of that. He gets punished too...a seat in the corner with a little taste of hotsauce seems to do the trick for a while anyway.

Tyler has only just come into our lives. He met his father (the boyfriend of course) for the first time since the age of 2 just last August. He comes on all of the weekends when my boys are here and many of the ones they are not as well. He will be spending all of the weeks with the boys here this summer. He is a quiet boy. He luh-huh-huvs video games. I find this rather challenging because before Tyler, my boys really didn't care one way or the other but now it's all the rage. God, they love that boy! It's very nice to watch really. Ty is used to being the only child though so there are many other challenges that I could talk about, but I would rather not. *goes back to the being negative thing* We are working on manners and whining (or rather encouraging him not to) at the moment. *god help me*

~Relationships~

The boyfriend and I are doing well. We spend a lot of time together, just hanging out and talking. We get along well in general and agree on many family based topics. We got a membership to the local sports centre so we take the boys swimming at the pool on Saturdays and enjoy working out together when we are NOT being complete lameasses and not going. A positive in my life to be sure.

I have recently been speaking with my brother the genius. He suffers from depression and sometimes wants to be left alone. I have had a wealth of emotion surrounding this situation and am so very grateful that he has gotten in touch with me. I simply can't put it into words. The last time we spoke was last August, so I was just pleased to have him contact me on mother's day. It warms my heart to the core.

~the princess her own self~

I am starting to feel much better now that it is getting warmer and the sun is shining. I am still working on the job search thing, although I am grateful to have a job that pays the bills and keeps us going. Again, I could say more but I would rather keep a positive attitude. I am looking forward to the summer as it brings my birthday and the boyfriend's as well. We are taking the boys to visit my parents. We will stay with them for a couple of days and then he and I are going to my girl's wedding in a nearby town. It will be the first time I have been to Newfoundland, so it's pretty exciting.

Incidentally, I get seriously pissed off when I try to post and it gets all squished together. I am all done for now. I will talk to you tomorrow.

kisses,

the princess

The Princess needs a new pair of sneakers for this

It's almost Relay time again! June 13th is the big night. I will be hanging with 9 other women on my relay team and we will start walking at 7:00pm and continue on through the night until 7:00am the next morning. Last year was my first time. My girl Midge has a younger brother who is a cancer survivor so her family participates every year. She had a spot on her team so she asked me to join them. The track is lined with luminaries, each candlelit bag with a name and often a personal message. Everybody's got a story...no question. What an amazing and very emotional time. In the picture below, 6 of these women have lost a parent to cancer. Each has lost and/or has a survivor in their family. I only knew 3 of the team members last year. It was moving to listen to the stories of these women. During the relay your team must have at least one member walking at all times. We took little breaks, but walked a whole lot. Midge and I actually did morning yoga as well. So much fun. I am really looking forward to it.

So my family and friends, I am asking for some help. I have a very small group of peeps here where I live and I find fundraising extremely difficult. I know that some of my friends out here are not even Canadian, however, research benefits all of us. Wanna sponsor me? Huh, huh? Well...at least flip over to my page and have a look at why I relay.

My relay team...pausing by the speakers to bust-a-move and the photo op of course!

Team Ghetto Fabulous~~Princess C