Every Second Monday

Sometimes Monday is my favorite day of the week. Every second one, anyhow. It's all because of shared custody.

For the last 3 1/2 years, we (me and my ex) have had the children 1 week on, 1 week off . Yeah, that's right...completely 50/50 for those of you just joining in. Those of you who have children can surely understand the trauma in this. I used to take care of them always, and had to adjust to having every other week free. What? Free time? For me? Holy Shit, really? Ok, so after a few months I developed a better outlook and was able to see the positive side.

It's Monday and the boys are gone to their father's house for the week. I will talk to them every night, but won't see them again until next week. I miss them terribly after a couple of days...but oh the joys of Every Second Monday!

Since I have been home from work my evening has gone like this...

1. 5:15-6:30-- sat in a chair by the computer (waiting my turn, actually) next to the boyfriend who was doing facebook things followed by some online poker.

2. Expressed my extreme disinterest in cooking since there are no little birds here... but there's some spaghetti sauce in the fridge and we can cook some noodles. (incidentally, it is now 7:30 and I just started the pasta)

3. 6:36-7:19--decided to rock out for a while. I have a guitar hero career. My band name is Princess (yes, of course) and I am this cool Asian chick with purple pigtails and knee-high socks with a mini. Not only that, but whenever I totally rock, she does this funky thing with her arms...looks like a cheerleader move...and kicks one leg up. I get right into it and jump around right here in my livingroom as well.

Did I mention that I have had 2 beer as well? On a Monday you say? Ah well!

You know what? I had some high hopes for today. I had all intentions of going to the gym after work, but the beer in the fridge from Saturday night was calling to me. There's always tomorrow...

I have more to say, but now my supper is ready and it's a whole different topic. Perhaps I will be back later tonight. There's plenty going on.

This Is The End...

I received something in the mail today that I have been expecting for about a month. Just a small envelope (preceded by a larger one full of documents) containing a single page. My marriage, which was solemnized on the 10th day of August, was dissolved by a judgment which became effective on the 11th day of October. We were legally married 11 years but have been living apart for the last 3, split for the last 4. I do not take this lightly. Marriage is not a joke. It is one of the most difficult jobs a person will have and it requires so much and will certainly be very trying. It can be so much more when there is respect and understanding. ..

I am very happy to have this piece of paper. It has been a very long time coming, and so much has happened in the last 4 years. We do our best to raise our children in this situation and we are so much happier this way.

Oh! And by the way...Blake is no longer dating a married chick :)

HEY! WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS?

Me?

Well then I have to clean it up, it's only fair.

Let's get ready for the 10 SECOND TIDY!

Ah, if only all life's messes could be cleaned up so quickly and easily. I was driving in the car this morning, just thinking about the boys and the decisions I have made that effect their lives. I have often thought of writing a little about my own perspective on my divorce but I feel it will be better in parts, rather than one long post.

In my particular situation, the decision to split was mutual. We had both been feeling unhappy for so long that we didn't treat one another kindly. I feel I need to say right now that although some of the events were completely out of my control, I take FULL responsibility for my own actions and words. It is difficult and takes a long time to see things that way because initially it is always easier to say that the other party was the cause of contention (not that I was going around blaming him but...sometimes what we think matters too). I believe that our own personal experiences as we grow (what we see and hear) shape the way we connect and interact with others, particularly in a relationship. When I noticed that the words we spoke were becoming angrier and less compassionate, I knew that if something didn't change, I would not be able to live a happy life with him. I had seen "unhappy" growing up and simply refused to allow my own children to grow up that way. I don't want them to hear negative, disrespectful words. I don't want them to think that it is normal or right to talk that way. Did we do everything we could to make it work? We did all we knew to do. It is too late for regrets and I never had any to begin with, aside from the obvious reasons to remain (children, house, established life).

So what can I do now to improve my life? Think before I speak, be sensitive to the needs of my partner, and SPEAK MY MIND!

The Stroller

So, anyone that has been through a marriage/relationship break-up has an understanding of how petty things can get sometimes. When Sidney was born, my parents bought me a new stroller for him. I had said no when they first asked if I wanted one, since I already had the first one they gave when Seth was a baby, but then I saw one that I really loved and they bought it. It has 3 huge wheels, allowing for large strides and brisk pace. When I moved all of my things I just couldn't fit everything in right away, so I left some things (including the stroller) with John temporarily. Anyhow, I asked to have the stroller back on several occasions and he would say, "oh yeah, I forgot" or whatever. He had no intentions of giving it back. I don't say this to be mean, it's just what happened at the time. We fought back and forth, and I finally got it back about 1 year later.

I got my "tubes tied" when I had Sidney, so I am not having more babies myself. It is with mixed feelings--some frustration as well as some happiness--that I am giving the stroller back to John to use for Jones. I could sell it to someone else out of spite, but that is not who I am. After the baby was born I said to Blake that I was giving the stroller back, and he said "so he gets it in the end anyhow!" to which I replied with a nasty grumble that I will not repeat as it included bad language. I can't say there isn't a little bitter part of me that just doesn't want to give it up, but as usual, my kind thoughts override and I will give it to them. I can also say in truth that I can do it with a happy heart. Babies are expensive!

A Pat on the Back

Over the years I have been "taken care of" to a certain degree. You know what it's like when you are married, things get done as a team effort. Fending for myself over the last 3 years has been challenging, although at the end of the day, I have always taken care of me. Certainly I would depend on the ex for financing things and for fixing things I cannot fix myself, but I also spent many months keeping control of the finances and things while he was away for work, so I had no misconceptions of how life was going to be for me.

I am now back into a relationship where we discuss and share the financial responsibilities--**Sidenote**Blake has begun the process of moving things into my home--but oddly, I feel an extreme need to maintain my own bank account and my own VISA. I don't mind sharing money at all, I mean, that's just how it goes, but I have learned some things in my 35 years. Gotta look out for #1 here at all times, and at all costs. I have a car that I am selling to Blake. I could have sold it to someone else, but he really needs a car and is willing to fix the things that need fixing. The problem is that he has only been back to work since having shoulder surgery for 2 months and is waiting to get financing. It's really just a waiting game, but in the the interim, I have reached the end of my financial ropes and was sort of depending on that money to get straight again. I got all worked up and stressed for a time, but decided to put an end to it on Friday.

I went to the bank and got my own loan. I have fixed my problem all by myself. I realize to others this may not seem big, but to me it means a whole lot. I love Blake with all my heart, but it makes me feel good to know that if for some bizarre reason he wasn't there tomorrow, I will be ok and I can take care of business on my own. I feel like a 2 year old learning to get dressed all alone. It feels nice. I am proud of me for having done this.

Divorce--Seth's Perspective

Ah my sweet, sensitive Seth. He has struggled with change since earliest childhood. I worked in a bank a couple of days a week when he was only a few months, and for the entire 5 hours I was gone, he would cry. If he was at our house he was all right, but take him out of his element and watch out! When we got posted back to HRM, I stayed home with him for a year before looking for work. He was just about 2 when we moved to the house and I went back to work only a couple of weeks before his 3rd birthday. He screamed, cried and followed me down the corridor every morning at daycare for a month. Eventually he adjusted. When John and I decided to split, we were also expecting Sidney and planned on sharing the house another year while he finished up the schooling and training he was doing. He had courses away from home and rather than leave the house and try to maintain 2 places, it seemed like the best solution. We didn't discuss it with Seth for many months, although he knew things were changing when his daddy started sleeping in the spare room. We were as open and honest as he could understand at the time. He accepted the fact that we were splitting much better than either of us expected...on the surface.

After we all talked about everything and Seth started to adjust to the idea, he would tell anyone that would listen; "my parents are getting a divorce!" "I am going to have 2 whole families instead of just one!" It certainly wasn't that simple for him. By this time, John was with Monica and I was with Doug. There was security in this for Seth. He likes the dual parent household. It comforts him. Things didn't stay that way in our world though. Doug and I split last spring and sent Seth into another little spiral. He spoke with a teacher at the Boys and Girls Club last summer. Someone he liked and trusted. He is so closed and dark sometimes. You can tell he is thinking about something, but he isn't willing to let us in to share his pain.

Seth recently had an outburst in class. What I mean is that he wasn't listening to instructions and his teacher spoke sternly to him. He sulked, and called her stupid. I will give you a moment to gasp! Anyhow, he didn't say it to her face. Another child overheard him and told the teacher. I received a call from her that she expected a letter of apology the next day. I had him write it out as I called Monica to fill her in. He waved the letter for me to look at, which I did when he left the room...

It was heartbreaking to read for me, I have to say. He said he was sorry for being disrespectful, but that he was upset because he wouldn't be with his new baby brother/sister it's whole life. He said also that he started wrestling more when Doug and I broke up--"just when I started to like him"(says Seth) and that he hoped she understood why he was upset. He said he doesn't want anything to happen with Mom and Blake and Dad and Monica. What it really comes down to is security. He doesn't want anything to change. Also, he has been feeling badly because he wants to stay at his father's for extra time after the baby is born. He didn't want to say anything for fear of hurting my feelings. He is all about being fair, making sure that Mom and Dad get equal time with them...he is conflicted.

I started bawling right there on the phone with Monica as I read these words to his teacher. How my heart goes out to him, so sensitive, so loving. I want him to always feel secure. It can be so hard to make any choice when you know it could potentially hurt your child. Monica said, "Oh Cori, you made the right decision leaving Doug. Things are happier for you and the boys now." This I know all too well, but it still makes me sad that Seth has been upset all this time.

We had a great talk, Seth, Blake and I. We discussed the situation with the baby. I told him that if he needs to spend extra time at Dad's to be happy, that was fine with me. Just come and see me sometimes so I won't miss you so very much...I want him to know that his feelings matter to us. Also, I don't mind the idea of having Seth and Sidney separated for some of the time. They fight and wrestle incessantly! They could use a little down time. I tried to reassure him of my relationship. No, we are not planning a wedding any time in the near future, but we are happy together. And, well, John and Monica are planning a wedding and they have a baby on the way...things are lookin good on that front too. He seems to be feeling more settled now. Here's hoping he will find a way to come to terms with it all.

Divorce--Sidney's Perspective

Sidney was only 1 year old when I moved from our family home. Many would say "why didn't you keep the house?" Well, I am a realist and I could not afford to take it on alone. It is funny to have conversations with him. Small ones have such a unique perspective.

We were driving in the car one time, Sid and I, and he was talking about Grammie (John's mom). I was responding to what he was saying, and he says..."Mama, do you know Grammie?" I said "Of course I do, Bubba". Then he says "Well, I never seed you talking to her before."

After thinking on it, I realized that he has never seen us in the same room together. Not since his very early childhood. Huh! True story.

Another day we were talking about babies. Monica's is due this month, so Sidney was saying that you get married, then you get a baby in your belly. I told him, close enough. Then he asked if I had one in my belly. Noooooo. I said, "I was married before Sidney." he says "To who?" I said "Well, Daddy."..."MYYYY DADDY?" followed by a lot of giggles. Funny how he would find that so amusing, but how can he not when he has never ever seen us together before?

I also had a relationship in between splitting with John and becoming involved with Blake. His name is Doug. Sidney got pretty close with him. Closer than Seth did for sure. I decided after too long in that it was not going to work for me and my children long term. He is a nice enough person, but just didn't want what I wanted in a relationship. Everything changes when you have children. They are an extension of you and must be included in the equation to a high degree. I must say though, Sidney's concern for Doug is that he is not alone. A friend told me he was with someone so when I told Sidney that Doug had a new girlfriend, all was well in his world. He just doesn't want anyone to be all alone.

Lastly, we have moved to 4 different places since I moved out of the house. Their father has moved once. Sidney has proven to be a very adaptable child. Very accepting of change and quick to adjust to new surroundings, provided his personal comforts are at hand.

A Brother From Another Mother

So, if you read this and you don't know this already, my ex-husband and his girlfriend are having a baby this May. The boys are very excited! Honestly, I am getting a little excited as well. It is different for me because of our custody arrangement. This child will be a huge part of my boys' lives and I will come to know him/her through them.

I stopped by the Boys and Girls Club (where Seth goes before and after school) and the ladies where telling me a very funny story...

The kids at the club will often refer to one another as their "brother from another mother", and Seth was standing...thinking as he does...and says to the leaders..."Hey! I can say that for real because I am having another brother...but not from my mother!" He is so serious, thoughtful and intelligent. He also has a very good sense of humor.

Back in the Day

I love Hip-hop! We have a great new radio station here that is dedicated to Hip-Hop/Rap music. They started by simply playing music to see how popular it was, and low and behold! People were talking. About a month or two after the initial broadcast, we had a new station complete with fresh new radio personalities and sponsors. We live in a very conservative province, you see, so it really could have gone either way. This genre of music has become so mainstream that people of all ages listen to it. I know why I do. It goes back to my childhood.

After my parent's divorce when I was 7, my mother, brother and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment in "The Hood", as you will. Anyone from here recognizes the address when I say that's where I lived. I had friends of various races, never knowing what it was to be "prejudice" because we all had one huge commonality. WE WUZ ALL PO. I am very grateful for this as it gave me the basis for a life without judgment of others based on appearances. As I said, Nova Scotia is a conservative province and has a long history of contention among different races(particularly between white and black people). It was while living there that I developed my love of Hip-Hop/Rap music. Every Saturday, all the kids from the neighbourhood would take the bus to the other side of town to rollerskate at "Wheelies". We donned our tight jeans and highcut sneakers, brought our own K-Mart special rollerskates to began our weekly adventure. The tongues on the skates were tied down to the boot with the laces, and fuzzy dice hung down the sides for all to admire. We were kings and queens of that stadium whether others knew it or not. It was all about the hip-hop there, and of course, the slow tunes to show off the skating/dancing technique we had all been working on.

The roller rink is long gone, replaced with a large car dealership, but the memories live on from that time in my life. Gone are the days of children being out and about without parental supervision--even in large groups. There are unseen dangers lurking everywhere that we were oblivious to at the time. I mourn this loss of innocence for my own children, who will never have the freedom I had.

Thank you to Z103.5 for allowing me to reflect on these fond memories.

It's Amazing What You Can Get Used To

I have been sharing custody of my boys with my ex-husband for 2 years now. We each get them Monday to Monday. We exchange at the end of the work day on Monday, therefore avoiding any situations where we have to go to one-another's homes. Hmmmm...generally, things go very smoothly and the arrangement is nice for both of us. I have gotten flack for this choice, so listen up!

These are the real options in that situation: I could fight and have them all the time (with visitation rights to their father), or I could give up half their lives so that they can be with both of us. I chose the latter. I really believe this is the best choice for our children, and let's face it, no matter how we feel about one another, the children are the first priority. Their happiness is paramount.

I remember signing the separation agreement, and reading the words over and over again, knowing that this was going to make everything very permanant--no going back!!! I have my children here in my home every other week. I have every OTHER week all to myself. Wow!!! What does a mama do with so much spare time? You get used to it...believe me. You think you never will, and in some ways I never really have. I think about them when the aren't here as I go about my days, but it is ok. I know that they are safe and well cared for with their father. I know I will see them soon.

So what does a lady do? She spends a lot of time with friends, or alone in peaceful silence, or gets to know the new man in her life...sounds nice to me! Time to contemplate choices and take things slow without upsetting the delicate balance of my children's lives and emotions.

I am happy, and it is amazing what you can get used to.