Back to the hood

Sid was playing at his friend's place for a bit this afternoon, Seth was lounging on the couch watching tv...so I took the opportunity to run out and grab some fruits, veggies and beer. Yeah, yeah it doesn't really match but oh well. I needed a few lunch items for the boys and I wanted some beer since I'm heading over to the neighbor's once Sid goes to sleep to hang out with some ladies for a couple of hours. It's nice that Seth is old enough to stay here without me for short periods of time. He can step out the front door and call to me at her house so I'm quite comfortable.

Back to the story...

On my drive I listened to Pink: I'm Not Dead *which is fabulous by the way* and was flooded with memories as I made my approach to the grocery store. See, I was back in my childhood neighborhood. Back where I lived with Mom. I suppose if I'd grown in a very large city, I would have been in an "inner city" community. Lots of single parent/low income families. I've spoken here before about how diverse it was and also how much I've learned from the experience.

I drove into the parking lot of the store thinking about how it used to be a K-Mart store. My mother was a waitress. She worked in the K-Mart cafeteria for several years before she passed. She was a hard working woman who didn't have much but did what she could. We lived within walking distance...which totally rocked since we didn't have a car. My brother and I used to walk from our apartment building down to K-Mart for 2 things...to visit Mom, and to get a treat. In the centre of the store there was an ice-cream stand. They had the usual variety but that wasn't the attraction. It was the cotton candy. Mmm mmm pure sugar satisfaction for sure. These thoughts were in the forefront of my mind today.

You need a tiara

updates first...

I have moved every item I own (with the exception of a parring knife that I can't find) into my new apartment. I am so pleased to finally have all my stuff back. I love looking around at my pictures, my piggies (yeah, I collect them, so what?), and all my other things. Tracy came to visit yesterday (for the 3rd time in 2 months I might add) and helped me unpack and organize everything. I invited a few people over for a little New Years Eve party tonight and it was wonderful to have her help me get everything ready. Lucky me, lucky me!

I stopped at a little corner store the other night and the sweet Chinese man who works there noticed my key chain which says "Call me Princess" and commented with a smile.

I said, "Yeah, I also have a princess lamp in my bedroom"

He laughs and says, "You need a tiara."

"Oh I already have one of those." which got him laughing a lot.

I left the store with a happy little feeling that I get when I have a pleasant conversation with a stranger. (well, I do see him there sometimes, but you know what I mean.)

Happy New Year everyone! 2009 is going to be a fresh new start. I am happy and looking so forward to my future.

kisses,

the princess

Are you prepared for winter?

It snowed last night. This was the first "real" snowfall of 2008. It did snow on Tuesday as well, but it melted as soon as it hit the ground. Yesterday started off the same way. Really big, wet flakes of snow were falling like mad all afternoon making the ground and roads very wet. I came home, took a hot shower and settled in for the night with the curtains closed. It wasn't until a couple hours later when I was talking to the boys that I looked out and realized that the snow as actually staying on the ground! Oh crap, do I hate the snow. It looks pretty, sure but you still have to shovel it and drive in it. It occurred to me then that my ice scraper is in a box in my storage unit. Not performances my friends, not performance.

This morning I awoke to a mini winter wonderland and my first thought was..."How the hell am I going to get all the snow off my car?"

I went out to investigate the situation. I unlocked the car door and pried it open so I could start it. Then I went to work with my gas card. Hmmm...this isn't going to work. There's ice under that snow. What can I use? So, I remove my house key from my key chain and head back into the warmth to collect my thoughts.

Here's a mental picture for you...have you ever seen someone scrape their windshield with a spatula? Well, if you had been driving by my place this morning that's exactly what you would have seen. I sort of hid it a little from passing pedestrians as I must admit I felt a little silly. It did get the job done though. I think I will head to Wal-Mart on the way home after work and get myself a real scraper with the brush on the other end. I believe I am going to need it.

Adjusting to the newness of it all

I have been wanting to write, yet not feeling like actually doing it. I have been a negligent blogger and reader lately. I try to take a peek at a few, but just haven't really been into it much. Everything has changed. Things feel so different and new. I am beginning to feel happier inside. I haven't cried in several days. This feels good. I find that I have withdrawn somewhat though. I often choose to spend time alone instead of going out and I don't even feel bad about it. I am just adjusting.

The boys are, in fact spending more time at their father's. Once I had that accident and everything I just didn't have any more fight. Please understand I did not give up my boys or anything foolish like that. They are coming for some weekends and for Christmas of course. It's so unnatural seeming to not have anyone here to care for. Just me. I will have you know I have been eating more and feeling stronger too. I am healing. Still sad sometimes, but better for sure. I have already secured our permanent residence for January 1st. Everything is coming together and I am feeling positive I assure you.

Suddenly I have all this time yet nothing to do with it all. Sometimes I don't even want to do anything. Not even this. I just think. I try to get used to the silence. This is such a temporary thing and it will be over before I can turn, so I can totally deal, but I am still overcome by the feeling of newness.

I happen to be living close to my friend/co-worker and we are going to walk together. It's getting pretty cold outside, but it's still nice. I do have snowpants if it gets that cold. Weather can change on a dime here in Nova Scotia. Just gotta stay warm is all.

Healing with Twinkle

My friend's place is very nice. She has each room painted in a different earth tone. She has a lot of candle holders and sconces and some white lights above the china cabinet for soft evening light. She also has them all around the fence of the backyard. There's this funky little hanging lamp in the bedroom that has little stars and moons cut out and that's where the light shines though. Perhaps I need to take a picture of it to show you. Soothing and soft. Ahhhhh

The boys are coming home tomorrow and my cousin and her son are visiting as well. I am really looking forward to a weekend with my family. This is a healing place my friends. And that's just what I am beginning to do. Re-read this post if you have another moment. The process has begun.

What the H-E-double hockey sticks should I do with all these boxes?

Holy crap there's a lot of stuff to pack in this house. It's my first packing day since it's a long weekend (Happy Thanksgiving by the way...let's hear it for Canada!) and I am alone for my day off. I set some boxes upright and taped them strong. I have removed things from drawers (starting in the living room) and all I have to do is get at it.

Here's the problem...I don't want to! Packing sucks. I always have trouble getting started. There is a loose prong on the back of my tv so my plan to watch last week's CSI Miami and Prison Break as I pack is kaput. I've got no picture. I can listen to music but it just isn't the same. Boy do I hate a thwarted plan.

Note to self : *consider getting a new tv this spring*.

K, so I just got a call from Midge and she gave me a pep talk. I can't believe it's already so late in the day! Gawd, I am still obsessing in my head about the tv as I write this post! I have to end this and get started. I made a pot of coffee and took every book off the bookshelf on my way back to the computer. I have to separate things as some will go with us to my friends place, while the rest will go into storage. I have to pack all my everyday needs last obviously. I can live without the nic-nacs and pictures for the next while. Here I go...wish me luck. :)

Breaking Up: from heartache to happiness in 48 pages

One of my girls gave me the sweetest little book to read.

It's not quite as cute without the little cartoon gal but I think you'll enjoy it.

First Page says only "The End"

Being alone is one thing.

Being left alone is another.

As soon as you're told you are no longer wanted or loved...

your self-image takes a turn for the worse,

and you begin to hurt.

You feel inept, inadequate...

and positively good-for-nothing.

However--with some effort--you can make yourself smile.

To show there are no hard feelings, help him pack his belongings.

Begin with his laundry. You want to be sure he as clean undies. (Don't forget to starch them well.)

As you pack his socks, keep one from each pair. (Purely for sentimental reasons, of course.)

Make sure he has his favorite pajamas...*feeties*

and anything else he can't do without.*she's throwing his junk in a pile*

Give him half of everything. *cutting shirts in half*

Then say good-bye...

And don't look back.

Even though there are some things you can't do alone...

*see-saws, dancing, boating/water skiing, tennis*

Count your blessings!

Notice how the seat isn't left up anymore...

and how there's never any question about who ate the last chocolate chip cookie.

Enjoy your newly acquired wardrobe space...

and while you're at it, get rid of those silly things he expected you to wear.

Do your weekly grocery shopping. Notice that your bill--like your appetite--is next to nothing

...and delight in the fact that two can't live as cheaply as one.

When whatsisname comes by to say he's sorry, agree with him--and tell him no, you haven't seen his mother's picture, his magazine collection, or his favorite cashmere sweater.

Call all his friends you could never stand but had to tolerate, and tell them what you think of them!

Exercise your independence! *classic burning ceremony*

Weigh yourself. You're getting closer to zero every day. Smile.

Upon retiring, wear the ugliest, most unsexy, sloppy, wonderfully cozy, snug flannel nightgown you own...

Go to bed with dirty teeth.

If sleeping alone isn't your idea of a good time...

one way or another, you'll adjust. *stuffed toys*

Time doesn't fly when you're not having fun.

But that's what time is for...

to make things heal, make things better.

Soon, you'll see that for every problem...

there is a solution.

And by and by, that old feeling called "loneliness"...

begins to feel like something called "freedom."

Last page says only "The Beginning"

So What? I'm still a Princess.

How can you not love Pink? I love this song!

Not saying all the words apply to my particular situation, but this totally kicks ass.

Na na na na na na na...I wanna start a fight!

Failable

Sometimes even princesses make mistakes. It just so happens that the one I made hurt someone I love very much and caused him to walk away from my life. It remains to be seen if there is anything I can do about it, but for now I just want to say that I accept responsibility for my own actions. I read something recently that really helped me through this week. It's from a self-help book a friend of mine is reading and it goes like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you've ever been criticized or rejected or have failed to achieve an important goal, you know how natural it is to feel hurt and disappointed. But if you berate yourself as worthless and unlovable, you'll be giving yourself distorted messages and destroying your self-esteem. Being rejected and failing are universal human experiences. They don't make you "a reject" or "a failure"--they make you a human being.

Even if you behave badly, it won't do much good to write yourself off as a "bad person." You will simply waste time and energy ruminating about how lousy and terrible you are. This will only incapacitate you and make the problem worse. In addition, this is very self-centered because you're entirely caught up in yourself! Genuine self-esteem is based on humility and an acceptance of your shortcomings. This makes it possible to assume responsibility for your actions, to feel remorse, to apologize and make amends, and to get on with productive and joyous living.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Certainly words to live by. This taught me something about myself. I have struggled with esteem issues always, but when I read this I thought to myself "Princess, you love yourself. You really do. You do really stupid things sometimes, but you are not currently suffering from low self-esteem." While this does not take away my sadness, it does allow me to have more positive thoughts. Thank goodness for my children who kept me focused for the past week and a bit. I am alone now. Time to contemplate and just be.

The Workplace Meltdown

It finally happened. I have been doing so well this week.

I have been going to work, getting plenty done, managing my sadness, but alas...something had to give.

After coming home for lunch and writing the little "happy" post below, it all came crashing in on me...

I was driving back to work and noticed a delivery truck headed my way. We passed one another and guess who it was?

the boyfriend

I didn't get a chance to beep or anything. I was sort of stunned.

Does that make sense? I suppose it is the first time I've seen him in a week. Oh that face!

When I got back to work, couple came in to see one of the salesmen. He wasn't in and they expressed frustration at not having their calls returned. It was a name I recognised because I have been trying to locate some 10 year old paperwork for warranty service for them. I explained that I have not been able to find the box for that year to send reference numbers to the company. The man then wanted me to explain all the details of why I couldn't locate it, what happened to it...whatever.

Honestly, at that moment I didn't give a shit what they wanted.

I wanted to shout at them...

Don't you understand that my boyfriend just left and I really don't want to argue with you over paperwork?!

He's gone! Can you possibly understand that? I am standing here talking to you about stupid paperwork while my life is falling apart around me. Can't you see I am in pain? Can't you see?

Of course, I finished the conversation stating that I would discuss it with the salesman and the manager when they got back to the office, because you know these things always happen when the people in question are out.

I went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I cried and cried. I felt my body shaking and my breathing get quicker. I went back to my desk did what I could then the boss told me to take off, breathe deep and don't worry. It'll be ok.

I'll be ok...just having a moment. An extremely irrational emotional moment.

Like Being Hit By a Mac Truck

That's just how I feel. Beaten and Broken.

All I do is think, think, think. It's difficult to shut it off.

Will I see him next week? Is it all over?

Am I prepared to deal?

I am so sad my heart aches.

I know I can deal. I have proven it time and time again.

I will be sad but I will be ok. My children will as well. Either way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got back from lunch today there was a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses in a vase sitting on my desk...next to it a card.

As you can probably imagine, my mind was reeling!

Could these be from him? We did speak last night.

With shaking hands I opened the card.

My sweet, loving cousin stopped by to bring by a card and flowers to say she was thinking of me. Do you know I haven't even spoken with her at all since this went down? She reads my blog and is on my facebook and just wanted me to know she loved me.

I am kind of glad I wasn't there when she arrived because I don't think I would have been able to keep from crying...not just the streaming tears and sniffling kind either. Nope! The real gushy loud cries that express how I feel right now.

I called her to say thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have such special friends and family in my life. Although sometimes I feel all alone because they aren't all close by, I truly value each member of my family and the unique relationships that we share. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, loving, understanding and accepting friends.

I thank all my blogger friends as well. Sometimes it feels good to express myself here to a completely non-biased group of people. Thank you for your good thoughts.

I am managing my days and doing ok. Next week will be tricky because I will be all alone. I have to learn to get used to it.

I have to...

Suck it up, Princess!!!!!!!

Confessions of a Very Sad Princess

The day I wrote my last post was DECISION DAY. It was the day told the boys that we would no longer be living together. Each child had his own horrible reaction. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Before I even got the first sentence out...

Seth said: "You're breaking up? *choking through tears* "YOU'RE BREAKING UP?!"

Subsequently causing Tyler to bury his face in has hands and just cry...just cry.

Sidney (who is by far the most vocal) starts crying really loud and yells..."why?...Why?...WHY?"

We did right by them. We talked and consoled and assured them that they could still see one another, I assured Seth that we wouldn't have to move. Sidney suddenly clicked in that we were talking about the boyfriend actually leaving, Tyler leaving, them going to their father's.

"Mama! You're going to be all alone!"

My god, my god. The tears shed that night.

Some things happened that caused our relationship to be tested. I have to tell you that I really do love this man and I am unsure what my future may hold. If I am meant to be with him, we will find our way back. For right now I need to work on me. I need to work out, spend time with my girls, blog, enjoy time with my children and figure out what I can learn about myself in the process. I want true happiness.

This week has been an awful blur. I was home on Wednesday and again with the boys on Thursday. It was good to spend the next day with them and be completely available for them. They went back to their father's early. They didn't want to, but I didn't want them to see the boyfriend go. That's too much to bear for them. So much for me as well. I have been cleaning like a maniac. I had to take some medication to calm myself in order to function honestly. I did work on Friday (completely without chemical aid). I got a lot done and was able to focus (somewhat anyhow). This weekend has been tremendously difficult. There are empty spots where stuff once lived. I have been pacing. Unable to sit for any length of time at all. I will get through this. We are talking and being kind to one another and that helps. This pain shall pass and I will learn from this experience.

Cracking Up

I know I need to eat. My belly is growling for food, but when I chew it tastes like cardboard. Dry and nasty. I can't eat.

I know I need to work to earn money, but how do I greet people in person or on the phone when I can't control my emotions enough not to cry? I am home today where I will cry in peace.

Do we work it out, or pack it in...this is the question. I don't mean to be evasive, but who wants to sort dirty laundry to the world? I just needed to say something. Write down my sad, confused thoughts. If we pack it in, how do we tell those beautiful children? If we stay together, can we ever truly work through it and be stronger? I have hope, but I am also a realist. I'll come back when I am feeling better. Hopefully from a happier place.

When In Rome...

I needed a vacation from my vacation. I was so sleepy last week that I couldn't even muster the energy (after work, kids and what have you) to blog. I wanted to but just didn't feel like typing. It's just the boyfriend and I now for the next 2 weeks so I'll post more soon.

I have to tell you that all my life people have always made the same comments to me about visiting Newfoundland. Newfies are the friendliest people in the world, and that they love their booze. Now, I'm quite sure not EVERY person in the province is a drinker but just to be hospitable they offer company either a tea or an alcoholic beverage.

My father is from Newfoundland so I am somewhat familiar with the party style. Most common is the kitchen party. We do that here in Nova Scotia as well. It's closest to the fridge. Now, in the summer you switch to a cooler out on the patio.

My dad, his wife and I spent our evenings drinking beer outside for 3 nights running. Becca and her new husband (had to say it cause it just sounds so sweet) picked me up at my dad's and I went to her home town to prepare for the wedding (as I said in a previous post). I actually spent some (and by some I mean all) late evenings out on the front porch getting to know Becca's man better (after doing all the wedding prep and visiting with Beck, of course). He and I have never been really close friends or anything, so it was nice to see a different side of him. All the love he has for my friend was so much more apparent during that week. He has married into a truly beautiful family. I will post some pictures tomorrow.

To sum it up, I drank 7 nights in a row. No freakin wonder I didn't want to type last week! I have to remind myself sometimes that I really am not 27 anymore.

Incidentally, I have been reading many posts. I have been keeping up but tight-lipped on the comments.

kisses

the princess

Psssst!

self portrait with my "princess for the day" tiara

I am 37 years young today and I feel fabulous!

We are going out to dinner once the boyfriend is done showering and shaving. He came home at lunch and set out a lovely bouquet of flowers for me...how sweet! Cake with pink icing and ribbon as well.

Beating The Heat

Here's a helpful tip for cooling off in the heat of summer that really works:

Fill up the kitchen sink about half full with really cold water. Immerse your arms covering your elbows. You will feel your entire body temperature change within a minute or 2. You will love it. Just for kicks eat a popsicle at the same time. Very nice...try it, I dare ya.

Busted! And Now It's Off To Blogger Prison

Shame on all you bloggers for making your posts so appealing that I simply cannot resist sneaking a peek at work!

I run 2 computers in my office space. One is a '98 that I use for our extremely comprehensive DOS based accounting system (that my boss doesn't want to let go of), and my XP where I run everything else. I just got the XP last month and am now networked with all the sales/management instead of only my accounts manager. So this morning everything froze up on both systems. I have this connector that allows me to flip from system to system, so I wasn't really alarmed. The mouse wouldn't work. How annoying is it to see 1 stupid box come up that says "no mouse is detected" and another stupid box that says "click here to solve problem"...what the hell? Anyhow, other people had to get involved and the external IT guy was brought in. As I was leaving to meet my ex and Sidney for primary orientation, my boss is saying so what causes this? Shit...shit...shit. And off I go to my meeting.

When I got back everything was working fine and I had a lot of work to do because I took tomorrow off to volunteer before Relay. I went online to get a postal code and saw that my history was out and my blogsite was gone from my list of sites on site bar. No one said anything about it to me so I don't think it caused any problem (although perhaps my signing into something can make a difference?) but now I know someone had a peekie-deek at what I'd been up to. Not all that exciting really, just looking at blogs and I did a post the other day. Ah well, Monday's another day. I will lay off. It's just...so...difficult because I can't get enough.

Candy 4 Cancer~~A Night Out

We were supposed to go camping last night. It just never happened. It was a work related event and I was feeling rather cranky with some of my co-workers the last couple of days and decided to do other things instead. My boys have gymnastics/boxing lessons on Saturdays and some of the ladies on my relay team were going out to collect random donations for Team Bean. They have done it years past and I must say, I really enjoyed my sober night out. I wouldn't have wanted to be all sloppy while walking around with candy and money anyhow. We were asking for donations and offering an assortment of candy for their kindness. The first things to go were the candy necklaces and bracelets. Remember those from childhood? (I took one when I noticed they were almost gone). I suppose it didn't hurt that we got all dressed up either. I wish we'd taken a picture before we had to walk in the rain. I also would have liked to show you my skirt and heels.

Here we are with our wares. We raised $310 while we were out!

While waiting for my friend in the washroom I somehow felt compelled to take a picture of the vending machine. Perfume and cologne. Last chance for romance at the caberet!

Aunt Flo is a Cold Hard Bitch

Don't let the horn-rimmed glasses and sweet smile fool you...she's a bitch! I stole this picture a while back from pinkpiddypaws. This is so not true! Closest friend my ass! More like worst enemy. Sure it allows us the ability to have children, but what else? I am discovering each year that passes how bad it can really be. I now fully understand the the mood swings and severe cramps. Sunday night and into Monday morning I spent a delightful 3 1/2 hours in the fetal position while experiencing such nasty cramps that the pain went right to my knees--for real! It's getting worse every month.

I sometimes manage to keep the moods in check, but more often than not I am extremely sensitive during my week causing 1.anger 2.tears. If you are planning on pissing me off you should definitely come back next week. Speaking of that, some asshole stole my yogurt from the fridge at work. I put it there yesterday and just hadn't eaten it and when I went to get it around 10:30 this morning it was gone. Thieving pig! It's not the first time this has happened. I once had my roast beef dinner taken...container and all. I have to stop now before I start ranting. I haven't picked a song for Saturday in awhile and I am going camping this Saturday. I decided to add a song that expresses my feelings at the moment--not the boy/girl relationship part, just the expressive words in general. Love this song!

SHUT-UP

Something Inspiring

The Last Lecture

Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow

I recently read this amazing book. It wasn't very long but was an excellent read. I actually started reading it before bed one night and continued on through the next morning until I was done. It was very inspiring. Randy Pausch is a *now retired*Professor at Carnegie Mellon University in the US. He agreed to give a lecture only days before his terminal cancer diagnosis. He decided he still needed to do it, even with his limited time left. What impressed me the most is him saying "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." because this wonderfully positive attitude is so apparent as you read. I started reading it again the other day, and finally spent the 76 minutes in front of the computer watching the lecture on YouTube last night. It was absolutely amazing. This man is an inspiration not withstanding his illness. He has achieved a level of happiness and peace that many don't know how to experience. I believe that love, support, and firmness from parents helps children achieve success in life. I am always very delighted to read/hear about positive parent/child relationships. I know the lecture is long, however, if you have time it is really worth checking out. I suggest you read the book as well. He goes into more detail about his desire to leave some lessons for his 3 young children who he will not be able to know. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams