Mariposa's Haiku

Back to My Future

it's over now, it was fun while it lasted,

that i've come to accept

why it happened, how it happened and what happened

dont hold meaning now

it's time to move on

i've got my sanity back

and i'm keeping it

Mariposa inspires me with her posts every week and I am so glad she decided to write something that ties in so well to me right now.

Landing on my feet with cat like stealth

When difficult situations arise, Mama Bear jumps out. On occasion it's more like a Mama Lion. I have trouble with change.

Change is good right?

Nope. I still don't like it. In this case though, I had to make some choices purely based on the well being and security of my children. I have the car now and my expenses have increased since I moved here while household income has drastically decreased just recently. It's all good...mama worked it out. The problem is not really change itself, it's the process of getting from point A to B. I get myself all worked up but...something was different this time. I actually had a lot of clarity. I worked out the details as best I could and researched my options with focus and determination.

I feel very blessed to have good people in my life. I received an email last week from a friend of mine. It was only a couple of sentences but I couldn't help but cry. She said "why don't you just put your stuff in storage for a bit and stay at my place? I can stay at my guy's place and you can bring the boys' bunk beds and a couple of dressers. That way you'll have your finances worked out and able to get your new place." I already worked out all the details of the new place. The issue is the loss of the damage deposit here (I have to break my lease-damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of thing) and coming up with another deposit (1/2 a month's rent).

How kind and generous. Really and truly I am grateful. Much like pinkpiddypaws (I would link it if I wasn't being lazy) I have trouble accepting help from others but am happy to give it. I had to think about this one for a couple of days but I feel good about my choice to accept her help.

Today is a good day. I spoke with my brother the genius on the phone for the first time in over a year. I always feel such joy when I talk to him. I also saw my guardian mom (who I haven't seen in a couple of years) on Sunday. We went to get the boys from their father's place and enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. Tomorrow is a new day. Each one gets a little more normal. I have to move at the end of the month so I won't post much. Perhaps I need to call on some sweet guest bloggers? Hmmm?

it's bedtime...

kisses

the princess

Failable

Sometimes even princesses make mistakes. It just so happens that the one I made hurt someone I love very much and caused him to walk away from my life. It remains to be seen if there is anything I can do about it, but for now I just want to say that I accept responsibility for my own actions. I read something recently that really helped me through this week. It's from a self-help book a friend of mine is reading and it goes like this:
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If you've ever been criticized or rejected or have failed to achieve an important goal, you know how natural it is to feel hurt and disappointed. But if you berate yourself as worthless and unlovable, you'll be giving yourself distorted messages and destroying your self-esteem. Being rejected and failing are universal human experiences. They don't make you "a reject" or "a failure"--they make you a human being.

Even if you behave badly, it won't do much good to write yourself off as a "bad person." You will simply waste time and energy ruminating about how lousy and terrible you are. This will only incapacitate you and make the problem worse. In addition, this is very self-centered because you're entirely caught up in yourself! Genuine self-esteem is based on humility and an acceptance of your shortcomings. This makes it possible to assume responsibility for your actions, to feel remorse, to apologize and make amends, and to get on with productive and joyous living.

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Certainly words to live by. This taught me something about myself. I have struggled with esteem issues always, but when I read this I thought to myself "Princess, you love yourself. You really do. You do really stupid things sometimes, but you are not currently suffering from low self-esteem." While this does not take away my sadness, it does allow me to have more positive thoughts. Thank goodness for my children who kept me focused for the past week and a bit. I am alone now. Time to contemplate and just be.

Like Being Hit By a Mac Truck

That's just how I feel. Beaten and Broken.

All I do is think, think, think. It's difficult to shut it off.

Will I see him next week? Is it all over?

Am I prepared to deal?

I am so sad my heart aches.

I know I can deal. I have proven it time and time again.

I will be sad but I will be ok. My children will as well. Either way.

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When I got back from lunch today there was a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses in a vase sitting on my desk...next to it a card.

As you can probably imagine, my mind was reeling!

Could these be from him? We did speak last night.

With shaking hands I opened the card.

My sweet, loving cousin stopped by to bring by a card and flowers to say she was thinking of me. Do you know I haven't even spoken with her at all since this went down? She reads my blog and is on my facebook and just wanted me to know she loved me.

I am kind of glad I wasn't there when she arrived because I don't think I would have been able to keep from crying...not just the streaming tears and sniffling kind either. Nope! The real gushy loud cries that express how I feel right now.

I called her to say thanks.

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I have such special friends and family in my life. Although sometimes I feel all alone because they aren't all close by, I truly value each member of my family and the unique relationships that we share. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, loving, understanding and accepting friends.

I thank all my blogger friends as well. Sometimes it feels good to express myself here to a completely non-biased group of people. Thank you for your good thoughts.

I am managing my days and doing ok. Next week will be tricky because I will be all alone. I have to learn to get used to it.

I have to...

Suck it up, Princess!!!!!!!

Changes

"You've changed, Princess" says my stepmother. "When I hear you speak the way you do now, so clear like that, it's like you have decided *No one is going to walk all over me anymore!*...GOOD FOR YOU!"

In The Words Of Bill Gates

I got an e-mail that I found very interesting. I happen to agree 100%. What do you think?

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault; so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

And It Slipped Through My Fingers

I applied for this random job that I saw online. It is in the construction industry, and I figured...what the hell, I can do this. See, I am not a great fan of change. I like when things stay the same, however, I would like to provide more so I do occasionally have a peek. I am a loyal employee. I feel that little guilty feeling when I call in sick...even when I really and truly feel like death is upon me (ok, so a little exaggeration there). I sort of felt bad even applying, but when it comes right down to it, I have to look out for me because I am the only one who can do it.

I got a call the day after I dropped by with my resume. I felt great even having received a call, really. I have applied for things over the last 3 years or so, but no takers. I don't even care I am going to say it! Looking for work is so intimidating, don't you think? I mean, it's different for me right now because I have a full time job that works well for my boys. I have nothing to lose by trying, but still a little on the scary side. Anyhow, I had an interview late last week. It went very well and we got along splendidly. I received another call and had yet another interview with the out of town boss. He was very nice and we got on well (does that sound somehow dirty how I said that? that's not what I mean, come on!) . The local partner and man in charge where I was applying came in for some of the interview. Sort of a "getting to know you" time if you will. Anyhow, it went very well, but you just never know what the other applicants have. That is what happened in this case. It just wasn't meant to be right now I guess. Tasted good though...salary, 3 weeks paid vacation, allowance for sick days (within reason, of course) and many government holidays off as well. It is good to dream. This experience has built confidence within me to get out there and sell my skills.

Is 6 Horsepower really neccessary?

Up until last summer when I started renting my little townhouse, I had never mowed a lawn before. Many years ago, my ex and I purchased a lawnmower at the Sears appliance store. It had been returned by an older gentleman who (bless his soul) just couldn't keep up with a 6 Horsepower self-propelled lawnmower. It's only every younger man's dream mower, and we got it at a bargain price! Shortly thereafter, I tried to use it--once! Man, it scared the hell out of me, honestly! I was practically chasing the thing.

For all the summers he was away and I was on my own with Seth, and then the 2 boys, I never once had to use that mower. A friend's husband, and neighbour, my friend Jodie's son...someone always got it for me. Princess? Yep, that's me.

A friend pointed out to me when I moved here that I would need to mow my lawn. Much to my horror, I found myself purchasing an electric lawnmower at Wal-mart. It's a start, all right? Mission successful, I mowed the grass all by myself last summer . Did both the front and backyards today, as a matter of fact. psst! Blake does it most of the time now though--hehe--lucky me!

A Pat on the Back

Over the years I have been "taken care of" to a certain degree. You know what it's like when you are married, things get done as a team effort. Fending for myself over the last 3 years has been challenging, although at the end of the day, I have always taken care of me. Certainly I would depend on the ex for financing things and for fixing things I cannot fix myself, but I also spent many months keeping control of the finances and things while he was away for work, so I had no misconceptions of how life was going to be for me.

I am now back into a relationship where we discuss and share the financial responsibilities--**Sidenote**Blake has begun the process of moving things into my home--but oddly, I feel an extreme need to maintain my own bank account and my own VISA. I don't mind sharing money at all, I mean, that's just how it goes, but I have learned some things in my 35 years. Gotta look out for #1 here at all times, and at all costs. I have a car that I am selling to Blake. I could have sold it to someone else, but he really needs a car and is willing to fix the things that need fixing. The problem is that he has only been back to work since having shoulder surgery for 2 months and is waiting to get financing. It's really just a waiting game, but in the the interim, I have reached the end of my financial ropes and was sort of depending on that money to get straight again. I got all worked up and stressed for a time, but decided to put an end to it on Friday.

I went to the bank and got my own loan. I have fixed my problem all by myself. I realize to others this may not seem big, but to me it means a whole lot. I love Blake with all my heart, but it makes me feel good to know that if for some bizarre reason he wasn't there tomorrow, I will be ok and I can take care of business on my own. I feel like a 2 year old learning to get dressed all alone. It feels nice. I am proud of me for having done this.

My Hair, My Samson

I have been letting my hair grow since Seth was born in October 1997. I have made slight changes to it since, but only an extra layer or whatever. I only trim it once or twice a year on average, and I have added highlights 3 times over the past 8 years. I have finally gotten up the nerve to change it. Thursday is the day...

I don't know why, but it's almost like my hair is my strength and confidence. Sound weird? Ah well, that's me. It makes me feel pretty. I suppose that's because as it was growing, I was also loosing weight (40 pounds, actually) and I was starting to look and feel better about myself. In my opinion, my hair is my best feature. It is certainly what people comment on the very most. I have held off on cutting/changing it drastically. Part of me is afraid that the confident feeling I carry will go away when I make that change. Silly, really...

My sisters sent me a little gift the other day. A beautiful spring jacket in turquoise, and a really pretty dress that I can wear to work. I have been looking at the jacket and imagining myself wearing it with a different hairstyle. I know in my mind what I want, we well have to see how it all turns out. I need to do this. I need to update my style. I will post a picture once I have done the deed. Wish me luck!

Feed My Self Esteem

This was the title of a small exercise we did in Human Relations during my year at college. We had to give a piece of paper with this title to 5 people who were students, and 5 who we knew in other capacities. These are the responses I received in 1996:

NonStudents:

You are to me the picture of cheer. Always willing to help someone in need, even if you are in need yourself. You are always filled with love and kindness. You are the best friend a person could ask for.

John Riutta

Cori is the most empathetic person I have ever known. She never trivializes the problems or pain of another person. This is her most admirable quality and what makes me prooud to call her my friend.

Patty Desjardins (my best friend at the time)

You are the most sensitive person I know, with respect and understanding of people and their problems and you try to keep everyone that you deeply care for happy. You are also very loving and caring person. I see this especially in the way you are with my family (daughter). I am glad to know you and very lucky to have you as a friend.

John Desjardins

Cori is very friendly, easy to talk to and down-to-earth. She seems to be always in a good mood and has a contagious laugh. She is very nice and cares about others. She is a hard worker. All around nice girl.

Jaques Simmard (husband of a classmate)

I really enjoy Cori's positive attitude and great smile. Cori also has a good sense of humour and a very inquisitive nature which I appreciate.

Judy Neville (professor at college)

Students:

Cori is a lovely person to know. She is always very pleasant, helpful, and willing to go that extra mile. I find her contributions in class extremely interesting

Pam Holmes

You are a very nice person. You have a lot of good things going for you. You are easy to get along with and you are easy to talk to.

Cathy Comeau

I find you to be a very positive person. Yoiu always look for the good in someone before the bad. You are always cheerful and happy, and if someone is having a bad day you always try to help them out because you are a compassionate person. I am very happy to have you as a friend. I can trust you with anything, personal or not. You are a great person. Don't ever change.

Tracy Sampson

Cori has a great sense of humour. She is sensitive to others' feelings. Beautiful on the inside and out. She is a supportive, a great listener and is friendly. She is always willing to help others, and is also a great dresser.

Brenda Goldie

You are out-going, very friendly, and very unique. I hope someday that I will be able to speak as well as you do. You are a very likable person!

Debbie Hudson

Fiscal Year End

I have been working at my current place of employment for the last 6 1/2 years. We do inventory in June, October, February. This one is the most important as reports must be prepared for the Fiscal Year End. We manufactur/retail windows and doors. Every last screw has to be counted and noted on inventory sheets. These sheets then become the responsibility of my co-worker Diana and I to enter onto spreadsheets, then I find costs for finished product. We have pre-entered costs on manufacturing supplies to make the process easier, of course. February is a slow month in the industry so it is a good time to get the pricing done before it gets really busy again.

The only thing different about this inventory is that my boss is on a cruise this week. I was the lady in charge today. I controlled the organization of the counts, although most of us know what has to be done and how to do it. We worked extra hard to make it right so that the poor man won't be afraid to go on future vacations. We got everything done by about 6:30 tonight. The Homeshow is starting on Friday and I am taking 1 shift and maybe another if needed. It's a long week, but a nice little bonus on the paycheck. Gotta love it!