Changes

"You've changed, Princess" says my stepmother. "When I hear you speak the way you do now, so clear like that, it's like you have decided *No one is going to walk all over me anymore!*...GOOD FOR YOU!"

Psssst!

self portrait with my "princess for the day" tiara

I am 37 years young today and I feel fabulous!

We are going out to dinner once the boyfriend is done showering and shaving. He came home at lunch and set out a lovely bouquet of flowers for me...how sweet! Cake with pink icing and ribbon as well.

Something Inspiring

The Last Lecture

Randy Pausch with Jeffrey Zaslow

I recently read this amazing book. It wasn't very long but was an excellent read. I actually started reading it before bed one night and continued on through the next morning until I was done. It was very inspiring. Randy Pausch is a *now retired*Professor at Carnegie Mellon University in the US. He agreed to give a lecture only days before his terminal cancer diagnosis. He decided he still needed to do it, even with his limited time left. What impressed me the most is him saying "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." because this wonderfully positive attitude is so apparent as you read. I started reading it again the other day, and finally spent the 76 minutes in front of the computer watching the lecture on YouTube last night. It was absolutely amazing. This man is an inspiration not withstanding his illness. He has achieved a level of happiness and peace that many don't know how to experience. I believe that love, support, and firmness from parents helps children achieve success in life. I am always very delighted to read/hear about positive parent/child relationships. I know the lecture is long, however, if you have time it is really worth checking out. I suggest you read the book as well. He goes into more detail about his desire to leave some lessons for his 3 young children who he will not be able to know. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Butterflies And Memories

So after posting about warm woolen blankets in February, I received a few calls from loved ones and have been thinking about my mother a lot. I always get a jolt when I come in contact with someone who knew her. I soak in every word. Every last one. My life has had so many stages, so many directions it seems. I tend to categorize things in my mind...when my parents were together, when I lived with Mom and her boyfriend, when mom died, living with a new family, and so on into adult life.

She made quite an impression on me. In my adult mind I can recall things from childhood, times with her, specifically conversations we had that I understand so clearly now. She loved to write letters. She always had pretty writing paper. I used to love watching her write at the kitchen table and she had this paper with butterflies on the top left and bottom right of each page. I know because I have some of them right here by my computer. Actually, I am going to get a tattoo of one of the butterflies on the writing paper. Mom loved butterflies. God, she loved them! We bought her a serving tray set with 8 coasters that have actual butterfly wings behind the glass. A little morbid I suppose, but she also had a couple preserved ones in these fancy metal containers. She would show them to me sometimes. They looked so alive. I remember trying to catch butterflies between my fingertips in our yard as a very young child so that I could bring them into the basement and let them fly a little. I always let them go though.

You know what? I found (this is gonna sound backwoods but...) my mom's boyfriend's daughter on the facebook. We haven't seen one another since very early in 1985. We talked a little once I added her to my friends list, but just lately she sent me a link. She makes beaded jewelery and while looking at it, I found something cute and sent an e-mail to ask if she could make one with butterflies instead of flowers. The e-mail she sent me back was so beautiful I really want to share it with you.

I haven't really seen any butterflies, but I haven't really looked. Next time I go bead shopping I will look for butterflies. I remember how much your mom used to love butterflies. There used to be a field next to the Mall (condos there now) that had milkweed, and in the summer one day, dad, your mom and I walked through and their was a ton of monarch butterflies - so beautiful; one of my fond memories.

I sat there staring at the screen for a few moments, then wrote back...

Thank you for sharing that with me. That's a lovely memory. Did you like my mother? Was she kind, or were you rather indifferent regardless? I had many mixed feelings for my father's wife, although she was always kind to me and I grew to love her very much. I was really just curious. There's not many people that I talk to about her that knew her. Thank you. If you find some butterflies i would love a bracelet with some on it.

She sent me back an e-mail that just made me well up. It's ok, really. It sort of feels good but also makes me think of sad times. This girl used to come and stay with us on weekends quite regularly. The way that Ty does here with us, you know? It sort of mattered to me at that moment how she felt being the one walking into our home. This is a woman who has had a rough road. A horribly abusive pig of a stepfather. She was eventually taken from her home and put into foster care. I thought about that after reading the mail...neither of us had knights for dads (you know, to rescue us from circumstance)...life goes on.

I thought she was awesome! She was an incredible woman. She was very kind to me, and she loved you and Rodney very much. I have some good memories of her and some very sad memories. I remember her loving the beach and the sun, and that I was really relaxed around her, especially with everything going on with me and the abuse I was suffering at home. I remember her speaking very fast French when she was talking to her Mom and Dad. She was a happy person, a good person, a very special person. She was a quiet, private person, but good with people. She had a wonderful laugh. After she passed, I know Dad was never the same again, and fell into such a dark depression. He loved her so much, and was so heartbroken. She was the love of his life. I only talk to Dad once in a while, we haven't really been close, but he is my Dad, and I love him.Anyway, I will look for some butterflies - I will think of Audrey when I do.Keep in touch.

Incidentally, I haven't seen her father since Mom's funeral. See? Welling up again just reading it there. I realize this doesn't mean as much to all of you as it does to me, but it made me feel really good to add it here. Another little e-mail I received said this:

People often have nice things to say about another person once they pass away..But in the case of your mother it's all true..She really was a sweet lady.

I feel good about that.

In 3 Years 160 days 1 hour and 45 minutes from now

I will be 40 years old. I am not upset about it, I just have lots of things I want to do before that. Some of these things include:

1. Going on an all inclusive trip down south somewhere. Difficult, but perhaps attainable.

2. Buy a house. I had one with the ex, but of course it was sold. It is a huge commitment to buy a house with someone, so I wait. I believe Blake and I will buy one together someday.

3. Now this is the most important one to me. It is a pipe dream, and I don't really know if it is AT ALL possible, but I want to have breast implants. CRAZY, I know! Since they arrived when I was 11-13, they have always belonged on 2 different bodies, and it has just gotten worse after having 2 children. They are 2 completely different cup sizes and I have to compensate by using both removable inserts in one cup to make them look even. I will take out a personal loan if I have to for this. I don't think people realize how serious I am about it. I can't imagine actually buying a bra that fits properly, it will be a new experience for me. It is not for vanity, or to please anyone but me. I am going to see my doctor and get a referral. I understand that this could take up to 1 year, so I am going to see her soon. I only have a little over 3 years to get this started. I understand that it will cost me approximately $7000.00. Am I crazy, or what?

4. I am going to run in a marathon someday. I would love to do it during my 40th year.

see?

Let's Talk About Sex...

Now that I am in my 30's, I am in the throws of that sexual prime. It is interesting because it just sort of hits you! I have always had a pretty high sex drive, mostly because I am a touchy-feely sort of gal and the closeness--especially with someone I love--makes me happy and whole.

My boyfriend is concerned that he will either go blind or that I will eventually kill him with all the lovin. Do you think that can really happen?

Road Trip

Took a little trip to the Annapolis Valley this weekend. Clear skies and roads for driving made the travel time very pleasant--plus I didn't have to drive! Blake and I went with another couple to spend a couple of relaxing days. It was very nice, but I realized something. I am a homebody! I was happy to be somewhere else for a couple of days, but relieved to come home and be in my own space again. Maybe that comes along as we get a little older--just that we like things to be the same, you know?

I Feel Pretty

Pretty...

I feel pretty...

I feel pretty so pretty and pretty...

Sing it with me!

I have been feeling yucky lately as I have an acne problem that comes and goes. It probably looks much worse to me than to others, but it makes me feel decidedly unpretty. I know there are people with far worse things to worry about, and I don't mean to make a big deal of it, but it bothers me. I feel like "man! I am 35--what's up with this?"! Sometimes it's tough being a girl--waaa waaa. Ok, I'll stop whining now.

What I really want to say is that my man makes me feel pretty even with the spotted face. He calls me "beautiful", or "l'il mama" and tells me how nice I look all the time, and how much he appreciates what I do for him also. That's not to say that men in previous relationships didn't say nice things, but Blake just does it in a way that makes me truly feel it, you know? I am very happy with the way things are going in my relationship. It feels right and positive. Love is grand, ain't it?