I mean Really, who throws a shoe anyway?

You know the expression “waiting for the other shoe to drop”? Well, they seem to be just falling from the sky. I have to break this up into manageable pieces as I do have a tendency to jump around. My thoughts flit…you know this.

Yesterday:

I have been taking an early lunch breaks because it’s generally busier in the afternoon and everyone is trying to get out for a break. It just makes it easier and I don’t really mind. I was coming back from lunch and at a busy intersection just about a minute from work as I turned into the right turning lane and yielded to oncoming traffic. I was waiting the green car pass when this BIG ASS yellow company truck (not my company of course) did not yield, therefore rear-ending me with a HUGE FREAKIN BANG! My car lurched forward, luckily not into traffic. I was able to get it to the shoulder of the road and turn it off. Then the hyperventilation set in.

*first thought*~~shit! Now I have to miss more time at work, just what I need…followed by a mental string of vile curses. It was pouring rain and I called work immediately to ask someone to come help me deal (since I am on the verge of hysteria and need reason), then I kinda rub my neck and get out to look at the back of the car. I spend a very short time examining the back (not realizing the damage on the right side at that point). Driver gets in to write down his info and ask if I’m ok. I tell him that it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t already been having a few nasty days before.

I spent the entire afternoon at emergency. Unfortunately, I met no cute ambulance drivers, police, nurses or doctors. Apparently the fireman was good looking but I couldn’t turn my head to look. Anyhow, I had my first ambulance ride and cursed the entire ride there. So…I have whiplash. NICE. You do realize that I’m moving this week right? Packing’s gonna be a bitch.

Thursday:

Shortly after 4:30pm that day I received a call at work from one of the leaders at the morning/after school program. For the second week in a row he had been short, rude and disrespectful to her, therefore he would be suspended from the club for a day. He is normally quite well behaved so there’s something up. I called to tell his father and he got angry first, then told me Seth has been asking to see a therapist. I do not object to this, it’s just a lot to absorb all at once. I finished work and went to collect the boys. I told Seth to go to his room and read and that we would talk about it later. We talked. I am sad for him. I don’t know what’s wrong and we aren’t who he wants to talk to. This is going to be good for him I think. Just a scary new phase.

So, after the boys settled in for bed their father called back.

Baby daddy~~”I am worried about their behavior lately and think that they should stay with me for the next 2 months while you are in transition. That would be best, don’t you think? All settled in the new apartment?” sigh “Princess, it makes me sick to my stomach to have to call. I know you have been dealing with a lot of things right now and maybe this will be better for them.”

Mental me~~”NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THEM. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THEM FROM ME. I NEED THEM. I BETTER GET SOMETHING IN WRITING!

Aloud~~”I’m not sure I can handle that. I’m not sure they can. We need to talk to them.” *of course there was quite a bit of tears on my end as well.*

Ok my friends…so I understand all the practical reasons, the transition period and all of that. My rational mind tells me that even if this happens it’s not the end of the world. I can still see them on weekends and go to their activities. I still have them for Christmas Eve. I can see the upside. I can exercise every day and get into a balanced routine so that when they come back I am more healed and more healthy. *incidentally I am shrinking a little…trying to keep it under control* But, then there’s this whole other part of me that is just losing it. These are my children. How can I not see them when I am supposed to see them? How much will they miss me? I have been crying for days.

Saturday:

The ex boyfriend dropped his son off for a sleepover. He spoke with each of my boys (which was very nice) and we had a sweet, civilized, positive conversation ourselves. I never ever like for things to end on bad terms and with angry feelings, so it was comforting (even though I still know I need time all alone to heal). You have to know how much confusion was running through my brain. I wanted to hold him close, you know? It was nice, but it’s still over.

Today:

Whiplash is a bitch. Insurance companies can be difficult, but I happen to have a great broker. She hooked me up with a nice agent at my insurance company who has already begun handling all the details. I worked half the day then came home to rest as my neck is really sore as well as my right shoulder and forearm. No bruising, no deployment of the airbag. Lucky me.

Baby daddy called back and wants to sit the boys down sometime this week to tell them they are staying with him for a while. The man has spoken. Shit! I could go to my lawyer and fix this…but I am not going to. I just want a document that we can both sign with witnesses that I will have my boys back with me as soon as this transition is done and lots of visits in the interim.

I am overwhelmed. Any words you can give me to make me feel better? Aside from saying good thing I was in a car and not walking? Cause that would suck. Scroll down to the last couple of posts…had some guests in the princess house.

whew...that was really long.

I got to rest now.

kisses
the princess

The Workplace Meltdown

It finally happened. I have been doing so well this week.

I have been going to work, getting plenty done, managing my sadness, but alas...something had to give.

After coming home for lunch and writing the little "happy" post below, it all came crashing in on me...

I was driving back to work and noticed a delivery truck headed my way. We passed one another and guess who it was?

the boyfriend

I didn't get a chance to beep or anything. I was sort of stunned.

Does that make sense? I suppose it is the first time I've seen him in a week. Oh that face!

When I got back to work, couple came in to see one of the salesmen. He wasn't in and they expressed frustration at not having their calls returned. It was a name I recognised because I have been trying to locate some 10 year old paperwork for warranty service for them. I explained that I have not been able to find the box for that year to send reference numbers to the company. The man then wanted me to explain all the details of why I couldn't locate it, what happened to it...whatever.

Honestly, at that moment I didn't give a shit what they wanted.

I wanted to shout at them...

Don't you understand that my boyfriend just left and I really don't want to argue with you over paperwork?!

He's gone! Can you possibly understand that? I am standing here talking to you about stupid paperwork while my life is falling apart around me. Can't you see I am in pain? Can't you see?

Of course, I finished the conversation stating that I would discuss it with the salesman and the manager when they got back to the office, because you know these things always happen when the people in question are out.

I went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I cried and cried. I felt my body shaking and my breathing get quicker. I went back to my desk did what I could then the boss told me to take off, breathe deep and don't worry. It'll be ok.

I'll be ok...just having a moment. An extremely irrational emotional moment.

Like Being Hit By a Mac Truck

That's just how I feel. Beaten and Broken.

All I do is think, think, think. It's difficult to shut it off.

Will I see him next week? Is it all over?

Am I prepared to deal?

I am so sad my heart aches.

I know I can deal. I have proven it time and time again.

I will be sad but I will be ok. My children will as well. Either way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got back from lunch today there was a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses in a vase sitting on my desk...next to it a card.

As you can probably imagine, my mind was reeling!

Could these be from him? We did speak last night.

With shaking hands I opened the card.

My sweet, loving cousin stopped by to bring by a card and flowers to say she was thinking of me. Do you know I haven't even spoken with her at all since this went down? She reads my blog and is on my facebook and just wanted me to know she loved me.

I am kind of glad I wasn't there when she arrived because I don't think I would have been able to keep from crying...not just the streaming tears and sniffling kind either. Nope! The real gushy loud cries that express how I feel right now.

I called her to say thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have such special friends and family in my life. Although sometimes I feel all alone because they aren't all close by, I truly value each member of my family and the unique relationships that we share. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, loving, understanding and accepting friends.

I thank all my blogger friends as well. Sometimes it feels good to express myself here to a completely non-biased group of people. Thank you for your good thoughts.

I am managing my days and doing ok. Next week will be tricky because I will be all alone. I have to learn to get used to it.

I have to...

Suck it up, Princess!!!!!!!

Confessions of a Very Sad Princess

The day I wrote my last post was DECISION DAY. It was the day told the boys that we would no longer be living together. Each child had his own horrible reaction. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Before I even got the first sentence out...

Seth said: "You're breaking up? *choking through tears* "YOU'RE BREAKING UP?!"

Subsequently causing Tyler to bury his face in has hands and just cry...just cry.

Sidney (who is by far the most vocal) starts crying really loud and yells..."why?...Why?...WHY?"

We did right by them. We talked and consoled and assured them that they could still see one another, I assured Seth that we wouldn't have to move. Sidney suddenly clicked in that we were talking about the boyfriend actually leaving, Tyler leaving, them going to their father's.

"Mama! You're going to be all alone!"

My god, my god. The tears shed that night.

Some things happened that caused our relationship to be tested. I have to tell you that I really do love this man and I am unsure what my future may hold. If I am meant to be with him, we will find our way back. For right now I need to work on me. I need to work out, spend time with my girls, blog, enjoy time with my children and figure out what I can learn about myself in the process. I want true happiness.

This week has been an awful blur. I was home on Wednesday and again with the boys on Thursday. It was good to spend the next day with them and be completely available for them. They went back to their father's early. They didn't want to, but I didn't want them to see the boyfriend go. That's too much to bear for them. So much for me as well. I have been cleaning like a maniac. I had to take some medication to calm myself in order to function honestly. I did work on Friday (completely without chemical aid). I got a lot done and was able to focus (somewhat anyhow). This weekend has been tremendously difficult. There are empty spots where stuff once lived. I have been pacing. Unable to sit for any length of time at all. I will get through this. We are talking and being kind to one another and that helps. This pain shall pass and I will learn from this experience.

Cracking Up

I know I need to eat. My belly is growling for food, but when I chew it tastes like cardboard. Dry and nasty. I can't eat.

I know I need to work to earn money, but how do I greet people in person or on the phone when I can't control my emotions enough not to cry? I am home today where I will cry in peace.

Do we work it out, or pack it in...this is the question. I don't mean to be evasive, but who wants to sort dirty laundry to the world? I just needed to say something. Write down my sad, confused thoughts. If we pack it in, how do we tell those beautiful children? If we stay together, can we ever truly work through it and be stronger? I have hope, but I am also a realist. I'll come back when I am feeling better. Hopefully from a happier place.

Checking Out the Lump

Seth is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow afternoon to have a better look at the lump on his foot. We discussed the test a bit. He is completely calm and unperturbed. He said "I've been on lots of water slides Mom. It'll be like being in the tunnel."

It makes me feel better that he is so relaxed about it. I am probably a little more anxious about the procedure than the results. I am not going to worry about something that hasn't even happened yet. I was concerned about more time lost at work, but it's just so important that I am with my son tomorrow. I can't imagine being anywhere else at the moment. I will let you know how it goes.

Baby Mama Drama

I was at Staples this morning picking up some supplies for work when I received a call on my cellphone. It was the boyfriend and my my, was he in a panic! He had just received a call from his son's school to inform him that Tyler had not arrived today. They tried his mom at work and couldn't reach her. Then at home, but didn't have the correct number. Logically they tried the boyfriend (since it is his son) next. He tried calling her also, but got no answer.

He called me because Ty's grandmother's number is programmed into my cellphone and he wanted to see if maybe he was with her. Now, please understand that I am completely cellphone stupid. I had to carry the manual in my purse for months just so I could remember the functions after I got my upgrade. I answer it when it rings and make the occasional call out but that's all I know how to do. I had to hang up and try to figure out how to find her number, then call back twice when I couldn't figure it out. Of course, by the second time I called he was getting a upset with me as well. Now remember, I was out getting things for work so while these calls are going on. I had my arms full of calculators and markers, which I kept dropping all over the floor. Good times.

So, I finally find the number and decide to just call her myself rather than calling his work yet again, which OF COURSE sends her into a panic state because Tyler is not with her either. She was asking me all these questions about what the school said, was M at work? Why wasn't she home? Get it together, woman! I am just asking if he is there...YES or NO? I told her that they were probably just out to the store or something, don't worry I will let you know what happens.

You do know I have a high level of anxiety on a good day right? Man, this situation didn't even involve either of my own children and I was desperately caught up in the 15 minutes of drama! AHHHHHHH! Anyhow, M's mom called me back to let me know she had reached them and yes, they were home and fine. Just what I figured. I told both the boyfriend and the grandmother to relax, and that there was probably nothing at all to worry about. So, as I am receiving her update, the other line goes (hey! look at that~there's call waiting on my cell) so I let her go and flip over to the other line. It's the boyfriend, who is also calling to tell me that he reached M. So this is where the real drama started...

She WAS NOT impressed that the school called him. She proceeded to tell him how she had given "those idiots at the school" her new number at least 3 f**king times! What the hell were they doing calling him?

Princess Rules of Conduct

1. If the mother/father neglects to call the school and inform them that the child will not be there, they have NO CAUSE to question who the school calls. The staff are only trying to protect our children for crying out loud. This has happened with my boys before as well. I actually had to have a conversation with the ex's girlfriend about a similar situation.

2. The parent who has commited the offence of not being responsible should never ever be upset with the parent who is frantically trying to locate their "missing" child. They should apologise, put their children first and suck it up.

Now, I don't normally get into this kind of topic here and I certainly don't want to offend anyone who might read this (M--if you do read this and you're pissed, sorry, but I stand by my statements on this topic).

Suck It Up Buttercup

Someone once said I was lucky to have my husband (now ex) because he was strong and I was weak. I only bring it up because it was someone I was close to that said it, and I disagree. I have thought of the comment over the years because even though I am a very emotional lady, I feel more than capable of dealing with life. I have my initial freak out and then I fix whatever needs to be fixed. The time in between can cause me a lot of anxiety, however, I always manage to land on 2 feet. My children are always provided for and things just move along. It is so easy to get lost in all the bad things that happen in life. We have had a barrage of events here lately and we feel like we have been treading water too long. It is a new year. It started with a bang...quite literally...when someone backed into my driver's side door while i was inside eating supper at my house. Yes, I was parked on the road but it was only 5:00pm and I do it all the time. He just didn't look, but he did let me know and give me insurance information. So, I FINALLY finished up with all of that yesterday. Insurance companies SUCK, just for the record. I am glad we are through with that. My love has some MAJOR changes going on at work causing him upset. I am trying to be supportive while not asking too many questions and making him feel more frustrated. The situation made me think of this song. Enjoy! If anyone can help me make the youtube video appear on my blog it would be appreciated.

I happen to know Chad Hatcher (featured in the song linked above) personally. He went out with a friend of mine and I used to see him quite often a couple of years back. He went to Toronto to appear on Canadian Idol, but was eliminated early. Lucky him, really.

The Other One is Giving the Peace Sign

I was driving back to work after lunch one day, just thinking and feeling a little overwhelmed with life in general, and I heard this song on the radio. It lifted my spirits and somehow just made my afternoon a little bit happier and easier. Funny how music can do that, isn't it?

And It Slipped Through My Fingers

I applied for this random job that I saw online. It is in the construction industry, and I figured...what the hell, I can do this. See, I am not a great fan of change. I like when things stay the same, however, I would like to provide more so I do occasionally have a peek. I am a loyal employee. I feel that little guilty feeling when I call in sick...even when I really and truly feel like death is upon me (ok, so a little exaggeration there). I sort of felt bad even applying, but when it comes right down to it, I have to look out for me because I am the only one who can do it.

I got a call the day after I dropped by with my resume. I felt great even having received a call, really. I have applied for things over the last 3 years or so, but no takers. I don't even care I am going to say it! Looking for work is so intimidating, don't you think? I mean, it's different for me right now because I have a full time job that works well for my boys. I have nothing to lose by trying, but still a little on the scary side. Anyhow, I had an interview late last week. It went very well and we got along splendidly. I received another call and had yet another interview with the out of town boss. He was very nice and we got on well (does that sound somehow dirty how I said that? that's not what I mean, come on!) . The local partner and man in charge where I was applying came in for some of the interview. Sort of a "getting to know you" time if you will. Anyhow, it went very well, but you just never know what the other applicants have. That is what happened in this case. It just wasn't meant to be right now I guess. Tasted good though...salary, 3 weeks paid vacation, allowance for sick days (within reason, of course) and many government holidays off as well. It is good to dream. This experience has built confidence within me to get out there and sell my skills.

HEY! WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS?

Me?

Well then I have to clean it up, it's only fair.

Let's get ready for the 10 SECOND TIDY!

Ah, if only all life's messes could be cleaned up so quickly and easily. I was driving in the car this morning, just thinking about the boys and the decisions I have made that effect their lives. I have often thought of writing a little about my own perspective on my divorce but I feel it will be better in parts, rather than one long post.

In my particular situation, the decision to split was mutual. We had both been feeling unhappy for so long that we didn't treat one another kindly. I feel I need to say right now that although some of the events were completely out of my control, I take FULL responsibility for my own actions and words. It is difficult and takes a long time to see things that way because initially it is always easier to say that the other party was the cause of contention (not that I was going around blaming him but...sometimes what we think matters too). I believe that our own personal experiences as we grow (what we see and hear) shape the way we connect and interact with others, particularly in a relationship. When I noticed that the words we spoke were becoming angrier and less compassionate, I knew that if something didn't change, I would not be able to live a happy life with him. I had seen "unhappy" growing up and simply refused to allow my own children to grow up that way. I don't want them to hear negative, disrespectful words. I don't want them to think that it is normal or right to talk that way. Did we do everything we could to make it work? We did all we knew to do. It is too late for regrets and I never had any to begin with, aside from the obvious reasons to remain (children, house, established life).

So what can I do now to improve my life? Think before I speak, be sensitive to the needs of my partner, and SPEAK MY MIND!

Manic

I have always had very emotional highs and lows. When I am happy, I am REALLY happy. When I sad or angry, the feeling is intense. As I have grown it has become much less intense but I still have my moments. I have spent many sleepless nights when my mind just wouldn't turn off. I call them "Random Thoughts". You know, when maybe you think back to a situation and wonder what you could have done differently, or felt dissapointed in yourself for something and your mind just takes you to that negative space...the one that beats you up. I believe most people have these thoughts from time to time. It all depends on the regularity and severity of the thoughts. A few years back I started seeing a theripist to cope with the anxiety I was experiencing. I didn't go to him for long, but the information he gave me was priceless. He encouraged me to speak my mind and make my voice heard. He encouraged me to stand up for myself and also helped me to calm myself before the hyperventilation started. Unfortunately, my husband didn't like the fact that I was discussing my relationship with him from time to time and discouraged me from going anymore. Funny, I really didn't heed the advice that sounded so good in his office...I stopped going but am to this day MUCH more equipped to deal with things. I really believe it also has to do with my circumstance now versus then. There are logical reasons why John and I couldn't stay together. We are both much happier apart.

A good friend of mine once described my behavior in high school as "Manic". He said that a few years back. Kenn and I were pretty good friends, and he would definately have spent enough time with me to form an opinion based on observation. He's right. I had extreme highs and lows, focused on small happiness...just those "in the moment" joys like a favorite song played at a dance, or a great day spent with friends and when something bad happened, I focused all emotion on that. Church helped. I was attending the Mormon church--"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". That's where I met Kenny and many other friends who have impacted my life. I remember so many well loved people. I just cannot go as I do not fully share the beliefs although I think it is a good, clean way to live. I have much admiration for the devout. Quite honestly, I was a sad, confused girl. I had so many things happening at home, and in life. I loved moments in time, but didn't feel real joy in life for years to come. I so very badly wanted a family of my own. Someone to love me and make me feel happy and secure.

I am so greatful to be alive, to have 2 healthy boys and a love in my life. I view each experience as a learning one. I will no longer dwell on the past. That part of my life has ended. I simply felt compelled.

Anxiety Rears It's Ugly Head

Ever had that tightness in your chest? That feeling that your heart is going to leap right out of your chest and be exposed to the world? As if you cannot catch your breath no matter how hard you try? Thoughts racing through your mind so quickly you can't catch up?

I have generalized anxiety disorder (so says my doctor). There are names for every kind of disorder--have you noticed? It's really just something to call it so you are aware and can work to fix it, or at least live comfortably with it. I have had a hectic 3 years and have certainly had some upsets and stress attached to it all. Overall, I am proud of how well I have done with it. I did take meds for a few months during a particularly difficult patch. I still felt anxious sometimes, but wasn't losing my breath so much. It was under control. I learned how to channel it a bit, and stopped the meds in July. Since then, things have been going pretty well. I can tell when I am stressed because I grit my teeth together making my jaw very tight and sore--often when I am sleeping.

So, today I was sitting at work, thinking about the changes I would like to make in my life for the benifit of my family. And it began--all those signs of the ugliness about to invade my mind and body for a time. Wow! There are all kinds of things happening right now, so I suppose it was bound to happen. I need to upgrade my computer skills, get a better job, and just be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love where I work but will never have a chance to advance there. Just the way it is...gotta move on eventually. Hence, the panic attack. It doesn't always take a large thing to start. Sometimes it is really the smallest of things, but once the thoughts start rolling, it's got me. I just had to purge a little. It is close to sleepy time. Thank you for listening. Goodnight.