What the H-E-double hockey sticks should I do with all these boxes?

Holy crap there's a lot of stuff to pack in this house. It's my first packing day since it's a long weekend (Happy Thanksgiving by the way...let's hear it for Canada!) and I am alone for my day off. I set some boxes upright and taped them strong. I have removed things from drawers (starting in the living room) and all I have to do is get at it.

Here's the problem...I don't want to! Packing sucks. I always have trouble getting started. There is a loose prong on the back of my tv so my plan to watch last week's CSI Miami and Prison Break as I pack is kaput. I've got no picture. I can listen to music but it just isn't the same. Boy do I hate a thwarted plan.

Note to self : *consider getting a new tv this spring*.

K, so I just got a call from Midge and she gave me a pep talk. I can't believe it's already so late in the day! Gawd, I am still obsessing in my head about the tv as I write this post! I have to end this and get started. I made a pot of coffee and took every book off the bookshelf on my way back to the computer. I have to separate things as some will go with us to my friends place, while the rest will go into storage. I have to pack all my everyday needs last obviously. I can live without the nic-nacs and pictures for the next while. Here I go...wish me luck. :)

Landing on my feet with cat like stealth

When difficult situations arise, Mama Bear jumps out. On occasion it's more like a Mama Lion. I have trouble with change.

Change is good right?

Nope. I still don't like it. In this case though, I had to make some choices purely based on the well being and security of my children. I have the car now and my expenses have increased since I moved here while household income has drastically decreased just recently. It's all good...mama worked it out. The problem is not really change itself, it's the process of getting from point A to B. I get myself all worked up but...something was different this time. I actually had a lot of clarity. I worked out the details as best I could and researched my options with focus and determination.

I feel very blessed to have good people in my life. I received an email last week from a friend of mine. It was only a couple of sentences but I couldn't help but cry. She said "why don't you just put your stuff in storage for a bit and stay at my place? I can stay at my guy's place and you can bring the boys' bunk beds and a couple of dressers. That way you'll have your finances worked out and able to get your new place." I already worked out all the details of the new place. The issue is the loss of the damage deposit here (I have to break my lease-damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of thing) and coming up with another deposit (1/2 a month's rent).

How kind and generous. Really and truly I am grateful. Much like pinkpiddypaws (I would link it if I wasn't being lazy) I have trouble accepting help from others but am happy to give it. I had to think about this one for a couple of days but I feel good about my choice to accept her help.

Today is a good day. I spoke with my brother the genius on the phone for the first time in over a year. I always feel such joy when I talk to him. I also saw my guardian mom (who I haven't seen in a couple of years) on Sunday. We went to get the boys from their father's place and enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. Tomorrow is a new day. Each one gets a little more normal. I have to move at the end of the month so I won't post much. Perhaps I need to call on some sweet guest bloggers? Hmmm?

it's bedtime...

kisses

the princess

peanut butter really does look good on walls

This weekend we are painting Sidney's room. He is going to be so excited that his room is the same color as peanut butter. It looks awesome and I will post a picture once everything is put back together.

As I was taping off the trim this morning I was listening to my Live CD from the mid 90's. Lightning Crashes is pretty recognisable. I love this band. I saw them in concert a couple of years ago.

taken while standing on his bed. it's not a very large room, but don't feel bad for him. he has an entire playroom to scatter toys in.

from the doorway...see? peanut butter. Sid said tonight that it's a lucky thing it isn't real peanut butter cause it would take too long to dry!

The Sun Is Shining And It's Saturday Again

I'm feeling rather bubbly today as we prepare to paint the boys' bedrooms. Their new bunk beds arrived this week (thank goodness for safer, more comfortable sleeps). We are working hard to have them done for Monday.

All I Am Is...

There's this song I remember from my teen years. It's not on the radio or anything, I actually heard it at a live show by a Mormon singing group called "The Young Ambassadors". One of the lines goes like this:

All I am is just a housewife. Nothing special, nothing great.

It goes on to list all the little things she deals with in a day. Fighting children, cooking meals, cleaning house (all of which I do, of course along with my 8-5 job). When I am feeling particularly discouraged with myself or just life in general, I hear it in my head something like this:

All I am is just a secretary. Nothing special, nothing great.

The extent of my post secondary education is a 1 year Office Administrative Assistant program. I sometimes lament because I was too emotionally scattered after high school to do anything of substance with my life (although I did move across the country on my own and managed to learn some lessons about in being a responsible adult). My father paid for each of my brothers to go to university, but I somehow missed the boat on that one. I just wasn't around at the right time or something I guess. I met my ex at age 23 and helped him establish his career before we split 10 years later, but we never seemed to have the money for me to take accounting or computer courses. Always more pressing things to spend the cash on with a house, car and child. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a failure being a single mother and all (since I couldn't even keep a relationship together either). I get down because I want so much to give them what they need and want (within reason). I know that I have the boyfriend, but it is important to me to be self sufficient. I have been working at the same job and with mostly the same people for the last 7 1/2 years and I just feel like I am treading water. I have had 1 (that's right folks, I did say 1!) $.50 raise in the last 4 years. WTF am I going to do with only $.50 more per hour in 4 years? Well, not much I can tell you! I apply for other positions, but because I have no experience with most of the newer accounting programs, I don't often get considered. I have been trying (but to no avail) to get my boss to put me on the payroll course, but he insists that it is of no benefit to him. I know this is a lot of stuff I am talking about today, but it has been just eating me up.

Did I mention that I have not had a vacation in 6 years? I have taken the occasional long weekend, but my 10 days of vacation per year get eaten up with sick days for me and the boys. No, I do not have any paid sick days. Today I am feeling so tired, so discouraged, and rather inadequate all at once. I feel like just screaming at everyone who comes into my office (with the exception of Di perhaps). I have a doctor's appointment this coming Monday and am considering taking the day off just for me. I don't know what I want to do really, maybe just sit quietly or something. I am standing in my friend's wedding this summer so no matter how many sick days I take between now and August, I still have to take time off for that as it is out of province. Sadly, it should be something I look forward to but all I can think of is how am I going to pay for school supplies and everything when I am taking a whole week off. I think too much, you don't have to tell me.

On the positive side, I am lucky to be employed and have a roof over my head. I am so proud of my children and I believe I am teaching them good, valuable life skills. In that area I do feel adequate. I know that they love being with me even though I cannot provide as much stuff for them. I am proud of the way I live my life, I am just feeling a little low today. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Ghetto Fabulous

My Relay for Life team has decided to go with Ghetto Fabulous for our group theme this year. Last year we were "team camo", you know...battling cancer and all. Anyhow, camo is easy to find, and others started using it as well. This year will be different. We haven't gotten firm ideas about what to wear because realistically, we will be walking/running for 12 hours, so we have to be comfortable as well as fabulous. The shirts will definitely say: "Ghetto Fabulous" on the front, and "Holla!" on the back. It doesn't take place until June, but awfully fun to think about.

I have always been on a limited budget, but worked as hard as I could to be stylish, you know? It makes a difference outwardly as well as inwardly. Who doesn't feel better when they have confidence in how they look? Things that I miss:

bikini waxing every 5 weeks

buying salon hair products when I run out. not having to substitute for the time being

getting more than 1-2 hair cuts a year because it is too expensive to even consider

buying my coveted clinique makeup whenever I run out and just need more.

I do not complain, because there are more important things in life than having little creature comforts. I am so grateful to be where I am. I just look to the future in hopes of more career opportunities to provide more for myself and my boys.

I may have originally had more to say in the post, but it escapes me at the moment. I am having fun and feeling like the pretty lady I am (omg am I ever conceited!) . My sister once said that I am like a butterfly...who became more beautiful with age.

Early December Bitch Fest

So... miss princess isn't feeling so merry right now. I get really tense because I'm such a planner, Christmas is so close and I am not ready . Incidentally, I had my last cigarette on October 31 (I will post more on this later). I know I posted last spring about having gone on the patch, but it didn't last. I am feeling very good about it this time. Very.

We are going to a party tomorrow night, and what I would really love is if I didn't have this huge f%#king pimple under my eye. I am so shallow...yes, shame on me. Good thing I know what I'm doing with my hair and have chosen and outfit that is gonna work. Objective for tomorrow afternoon: purchase the correct color of concealer and foundation to cover up this monster. I normally get make-up from Clinque. I always get it during the bonus times because it is very expensive and I love--no, deserve-- the free stuff. I missed this last bonus time by just 2 days. I have actually been letting my skin breathe. I need it tomorrow though--no make-up, no party. I just don't know what brand or tones to get that are a little less expensive. Any brand suggestions? I will write down my colors, of course.

Other December bitches...

The pressure of finding the desired Santa gifts-- if nothing else on that list--for the love god! I almost...almost paid a lot of extra money for a gift I didn't feel confident I would still be able to get next weekend when I complete my shopping. There was a guy selling one here in town for a greatly inflated price for pure profit (he was willing to take a post-dated cheque), but we were able to juggle money and grab one from Wal-mart on sale this week. I feel much better having that solved. I will save the unveiling for Christmas day. Be patient.

It gets very quiet at work. I have a difficult time concentrating all day when it gets so quiet... without the phones ringing madly and the deadlines. I have a great deal of filing work to do, but it's like folding laundry...which I can't stand. Oh yeah, that reminds me! The dryer broke--shut down, not fixable. I know the washer was right behind it the way it danced in the room, so we bit the bullet and got new ones. There is about 12 plus loads done here in a 2 week span for sure. Bad timing is all I can say.

Winter makes me sad. I miss my family (parents, siblings, cousins...you know) especially when there are fun things going on with the boys. I know they all love us, and I know they are safe. I am blessed, but I wish they were here with us. I especially miss my brother Rodney. We haven't talked for some time and I feel disconnected.

Anyhow, I guess that's all for now. I didn't get a chance to sit at the computer to get into this until late. I had more, but the words aren't there right now. I will post party pictures soon.

In the Land of Milk and Honey

I read Eve's post the other day about being tagged by a "meme". I had to google it because I didn't know the definition, although I kind of figured it out just from what she had written and by going to the "tagger" to see what she had to say...

So, in MY first fantasy, I have the patience of Job. I maintain my composure even in the most stressful of situations. My incredible abilities in gormet cooking are desired by all! My children love everything I set on the dinner table. I am "Supermom". I am a fabulous organizer and am able to allow time every day for all the cuddles my children can handle.

I have beautiful muscle tone in my upper arms and am able to run in marathons on a regular basis. I have a flat belly and boobs that are perky and the same size (I have had more problems than some women in this regard, I assure you). My skin is clear and smooth every day, landing me the most amazing modeling/commercial deals.

I am a hugely respected Movie Critic. When people read my reviews they rush out to see the movie because "If Corinna gives it a good review, it has to be good"!

Engine Light

I drive a little shitbox Hyundi Accent--2000. It gets me where ever I need to go, but it forever has something wrong with it, as most older models do. The problem is that everything over and above general maintenance is out of my price range, so I wait. My engine light has been on steady for the 3 years that I have owned the car. I had a bunch of work done on it a couple of years ago and the mechanic told me I needed an expensive part in the engine (didn't say what part at the time) and that I could go without if for a while. Funny thing is, over the last couple of years I can tell there's something not right when the engine light goes off! Ass-backwards, but true. Anyhow, the old girl has been difficult to start lately. She needs to warm up for a bit before you drive her otherwise she boggs down and I stall. I was having a ball joint replaced and asked if they could source out the problem.

Mass Airflow Sensor--Who knew? I looked around and finally found a used one for $180. Not really in the price range I can afford, but had to be done. I got it on Thursday. Blake put it on yesterday, and what a difference! She's got her pep back--just like me! And guess what? The engine light is not on anymore. Now I just need struts, shocks, and tires. One day at a time, I have 2 1/2 months before inspection is up.

A Pat on the Back

Over the years I have been "taken care of" to a certain degree. You know what it's like when you are married, things get done as a team effort. Fending for myself over the last 3 years has been challenging, although at the end of the day, I have always taken care of me. Certainly I would depend on the ex for financing things and for fixing things I cannot fix myself, but I also spent many months keeping control of the finances and things while he was away for work, so I had no misconceptions of how life was going to be for me.

I am now back into a relationship where we discuss and share the financial responsibilities--**Sidenote**Blake has begun the process of moving things into my home--but oddly, I feel an extreme need to maintain my own bank account and my own VISA. I don't mind sharing money at all, I mean, that's just how it goes, but I have learned some things in my 35 years. Gotta look out for #1 here at all times, and at all costs. I have a car that I am selling to Blake. I could have sold it to someone else, but he really needs a car and is willing to fix the things that need fixing. The problem is that he has only been back to work since having shoulder surgery for 2 months and is waiting to get financing. It's really just a waiting game, but in the the interim, I have reached the end of my financial ropes and was sort of depending on that money to get straight again. I got all worked up and stressed for a time, but decided to put an end to it on Friday.

I went to the bank and got my own loan. I have fixed my problem all by myself. I realize to others this may not seem big, but to me it means a whole lot. I love Blake with all my heart, but it makes me feel good to know that if for some bizarre reason he wasn't there tomorrow, I will be ok and I can take care of business on my own. I feel like a 2 year old learning to get dressed all alone. It feels nice. I am proud of me for having done this.

Poverty

As I mentioned in "Wrestling Ambitions", Seth is quite materialistic. Whenever we go into a store of any kind he asks for something. I have gotten in the habit of saying something like..."I don't have money for that" or "We talked about this before we came into the store." So, we're standing in the checkout line at Wal-Mart one day and he asked for something. I responded with one of the standard comments, and he says "Mom, it's too bad we're poor!" I was soooo embarrassed. You can probably imagine the conversation in the car afterwards! It went something like "I can't believe you said that! We aren't poor, I just have to pay for all of every one's needs before treats!" I was so frustrated in the moment at my own inability to make him understand the realities. He will learn and understand eventually, but for now he just figures if I can't buy him toys or candy or whatever all the time then there is no other conclusion but poverty.