A Pat on the Back

Over the years I have been "taken care of" to a certain degree. You know what it's like when you are married, things get done as a team effort. Fending for myself over the last 3 years has been challenging, although at the end of the day, I have always taken care of me. Certainly I would depend on the ex for financing things and for fixing things I cannot fix myself, but I also spent many months keeping control of the finances and things while he was away for work, so I had no misconceptions of how life was going to be for me.

I am now back into a relationship where we discuss and share the financial responsibilities--**Sidenote**Blake has begun the process of moving things into my home--but oddly, I feel an extreme need to maintain my own bank account and my own VISA. I don't mind sharing money at all, I mean, that's just how it goes, but I have learned some things in my 35 years. Gotta look out for #1 here at all times, and at all costs. I have a car that I am selling to Blake. I could have sold it to someone else, but he really needs a car and is willing to fix the things that need fixing. The problem is that he has only been back to work since having shoulder surgery for 2 months and is waiting to get financing. It's really just a waiting game, but in the the interim, I have reached the end of my financial ropes and was sort of depending on that money to get straight again. I got all worked up and stressed for a time, but decided to put an end to it on Friday.

I went to the bank and got my own loan. I have fixed my problem all by myself. I realize to others this may not seem big, but to me it means a whole lot. I love Blake with all my heart, but it makes me feel good to know that if for some bizarre reason he wasn't there tomorrow, I will be ok and I can take care of business on my own. I feel like a 2 year old learning to get dressed all alone. It feels nice. I am proud of me for having done this.

Poverty

As I mentioned in "Wrestling Ambitions", Seth is quite materialistic. Whenever we go into a store of any kind he asks for something. I have gotten in the habit of saying something like..."I don't have money for that" or "We talked about this before we came into the store." So, we're standing in the checkout line at Wal-Mart one day and he asked for something. I responded with one of the standard comments, and he says "Mom, it's too bad we're poor!" I was soooo embarrassed. You can probably imagine the conversation in the car afterwards! It went something like "I can't believe you said that! We aren't poor, I just have to pay for all of every one's needs before treats!" I was so frustrated in the moment at my own inability to make him understand the realities. He will learn and understand eventually, but for now he just figures if I can't buy him toys or candy or whatever all the time then there is no other conclusion but poverty.

Boy Genius

My brother Rodney has a borderline genius IQ. He has actually been tested. We had some encyclopedias in the house. I used to set them all over the floor in stacks and jump from pile to pile for amusement, but he actually read them--cover to cover! We had 2 sets of 24 , 1 set of 10 and 2 large, complete dictionaries. He read all of them by the age of 12. I once had a conversation with our grandfather (our mom's dad) and he said that he is quite certain that Rodney was actually reading and understanding "Archie" comics before he could speak! I have been in awe of him for his academic achievements all this time. He has many degrees, and has spent years teaching others to learn. The man has published works and everything! He is "THE SHIT", so to speak. He is also one of my most loved and admired people. He is this wonderful, amazingly intelligent person. I could call him at any time and ask him a question about...I don't even know, anything...and he would know the answer!

It was a truly amazing thing to have shared my childhood with him. He is kooky, quirky and a little socially inept (though has learned very much in his 39 years) and he has the kindest heart. He has "big love" to give. He is the best big brother a girl could ask for. He used to hang out and play games and stuff with me a lot. There are 4 years between us, but he was very patient. We used to put on puppet shows behind the breakfast bar between the dining/kitchen area for our babysitters. We would make them sit on a chair in the kitchen while we put on a series of plays with assorted puppets and stuffed animals from my toy box. The storey lines varied depending on current movies or tv shows, of course. Now that I am writing this I am helpless to recall an actual theme. Rodney, help me out if you read this please!

When I needed a place to live after high school, all I had to do was ask. When I moved to Vancouver in 1991, I simply moved my things in. He was so very happy to have me there, and I was overjoyed to be with him. See, as it turned out, once Mom passed we went to different places. He was nearly finished high school and went off to dorms at Saint Mary's the following year but I was still in school. We kept in touch and spent time together as often as we could while living in the same province, that is. Wow I miss him! Good times, good times...

We have always been close. I believe the experience with our mother has forever bonded us unconditionally. We are links to her.

Hand Made Treasures

For Mother's Day, I received several gifts made from the heart by Seth and Sidney. Every year at daycare, they have a Mother's/Father's Day social on the Friday before the holiday. The children prepare their gifts, which are displayed in the room for us to collect on our special morning. Sidney made me a lovely "Sidney's Book of Kisses". There is lipstick involved, but how else are they going to make kisses on white paper...come on people! Too Cute, I think. Also a card, some drawings, and a special picture of his hand cut-out glued to a page holding flowers...does that make sense? It is sitting on the wall right here beside me at the moment. Maybe I will take a picture of it. He has 2 fingers glued down as if holding the flowers. What I love is that when he showed it to me, he says, "See Mama? It's like Spiderman!" Can you picture it now? Thought so...if not, I will add a picture from home.

Seth gave me a really nice card and also made me a construction paper version of me as a "Simpson's" cartoon caracter. He even cuts slits in the hair to give it texture...little artist that he is. He also gave me a sheet of paper with some nice words...it went like this (remember, Seth is in French Emmersion)...

Ma Maman Est Speciale (My Mother is Special)

Ma maman est speciale parce qu'elle est toujours la pour moi! (my mother is special because she is always there for me...awww!)

J'aime quand ma maman a apoter pour voir mon cousin. (I love when my mother takes me to visit my cousin.)

Ma maman a un beau sourire! Je la fais sourire quand je fait une blag! (My mother has a beautiful smile. I make her smile when I tell a joke.)

Ma maman est aussi belle qu'une rose. (My mother is also pretty like a rose.)

Ma maman est tres intelligente! Elle peut etre une tuter. (My mother is very smart. She could be a tutor.)

Isn't that the sweetest? I love to save all of those little gifts every year. The pile is ever growing. Blake also helped them make breakfast in bed for me. Definately a morning to remember. Thanks to all my boys for the special day!

Manic

I have always had very emotional highs and lows. When I am happy, I am REALLY happy. When I sad or angry, the feeling is intense. As I have grown it has become much less intense but I still have my moments. I have spent many sleepless nights when my mind just wouldn't turn off. I call them "Random Thoughts". You know, when maybe you think back to a situation and wonder what you could have done differently, or felt dissapointed in yourself for something and your mind just takes you to that negative space...the one that beats you up. I believe most people have these thoughts from time to time. It all depends on the regularity and severity of the thoughts. A few years back I started seeing a theripist to cope with the anxiety I was experiencing. I didn't go to him for long, but the information he gave me was priceless. He encouraged me to speak my mind and make my voice heard. He encouraged me to stand up for myself and also helped me to calm myself before the hyperventilation started. Unfortunately, my husband didn't like the fact that I was discussing my relationship with him from time to time and discouraged me from going anymore. Funny, I really didn't heed the advice that sounded so good in his office...I stopped going but am to this day MUCH more equipped to deal with things. I really believe it also has to do with my circumstance now versus then. There are logical reasons why John and I couldn't stay together. We are both much happier apart.

A good friend of mine once described my behavior in high school as "Manic". He said that a few years back. Kenn and I were pretty good friends, and he would definately have spent enough time with me to form an opinion based on observation. He's right. I had extreme highs and lows, focused on small happiness...just those "in the moment" joys like a favorite song played at a dance, or a great day spent with friends and when something bad happened, I focused all emotion on that. Church helped. I was attending the Mormon church--"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". That's where I met Kenny and many other friends who have impacted my life. I remember so many well loved people. I just cannot go as I do not fully share the beliefs although I think it is a good, clean way to live. I have much admiration for the devout. Quite honestly, I was a sad, confused girl. I had so many things happening at home, and in life. I loved moments in time, but didn't feel real joy in life for years to come. I so very badly wanted a family of my own. Someone to love me and make me feel happy and secure.

I am so greatful to be alive, to have 2 healthy boys and a love in my life. I view each experience as a learning one. I will no longer dwell on the past. That part of my life has ended. I simply felt compelled.

Divorce--Seth's Perspective

Ah my sweet, sensitive Seth. He has struggled with change since earliest childhood. I worked in a bank a couple of days a week when he was only a few months, and for the entire 5 hours I was gone, he would cry. If he was at our house he was all right, but take him out of his element and watch out! When we got posted back to HRM, I stayed home with him for a year before looking for work. He was just about 2 when we moved to the house and I went back to work only a couple of weeks before his 3rd birthday. He screamed, cried and followed me down the corridor every morning at daycare for a month. Eventually he adjusted. When John and I decided to split, we were also expecting Sidney and planned on sharing the house another year while he finished up the schooling and training he was doing. He had courses away from home and rather than leave the house and try to maintain 2 places, it seemed like the best solution. We didn't discuss it with Seth for many months, although he knew things were changing when his daddy started sleeping in the spare room. We were as open and honest as he could understand at the time. He accepted the fact that we were splitting much better than either of us expected...on the surface.

After we all talked about everything and Seth started to adjust to the idea, he would tell anyone that would listen; "my parents are getting a divorce!" "I am going to have 2 whole families instead of just one!" It certainly wasn't that simple for him. By this time, John was with Monica and I was with Doug. There was security in this for Seth. He likes the dual parent household. It comforts him. Things didn't stay that way in our world though. Doug and I split last spring and sent Seth into another little spiral. He spoke with a teacher at the Boys and Girls Club last summer. Someone he liked and trusted. He is so closed and dark sometimes. You can tell he is thinking about something, but he isn't willing to let us in to share his pain.

Seth recently had an outburst in class. What I mean is that he wasn't listening to instructions and his teacher spoke sternly to him. He sulked, and called her stupid. I will give you a moment to gasp! Anyhow, he didn't say it to her face. Another child overheard him and told the teacher. I received a call from her that she expected a letter of apology the next day. I had him write it out as I called Monica to fill her in. He waved the letter for me to look at, which I did when he left the room...

It was heartbreaking to read for me, I have to say. He said he was sorry for being disrespectful, but that he was upset because he wouldn't be with his new baby brother/sister it's whole life. He said also that he started wrestling more when Doug and I broke up--"just when I started to like him"(says Seth) and that he hoped she understood why he was upset. He said he doesn't want anything to happen with Mom and Blake and Dad and Monica. What it really comes down to is security. He doesn't want anything to change. Also, he has been feeling badly because he wants to stay at his father's for extra time after the baby is born. He didn't want to say anything for fear of hurting my feelings. He is all about being fair, making sure that Mom and Dad get equal time with them...he is conflicted.

I started bawling right there on the phone with Monica as I read these words to his teacher. How my heart goes out to him, so sensitive, so loving. I want him to always feel secure. It can be so hard to make any choice when you know it could potentially hurt your child. Monica said, "Oh Cori, you made the right decision leaving Doug. Things are happier for you and the boys now." This I know all too well, but it still makes me sad that Seth has been upset all this time.

We had a great talk, Seth, Blake and I. We discussed the situation with the baby. I told him that if he needs to spend extra time at Dad's to be happy, that was fine with me. Just come and see me sometimes so I won't miss you so very much...I want him to know that his feelings matter to us. Also, I don't mind the idea of having Seth and Sidney separated for some of the time. They fight and wrestle incessantly! They could use a little down time. I tried to reassure him of my relationship. No, we are not planning a wedding any time in the near future, but we are happy together. And, well, John and Monica are planning a wedding and they have a baby on the way...things are lookin good on that front too. He seems to be feeling more settled now. Here's hoping he will find a way to come to terms with it all.

Divorce--Sidney's Perspective

Sidney was only 1 year old when I moved from our family home. Many would say "why didn't you keep the house?" Well, I am a realist and I could not afford to take it on alone. It is funny to have conversations with him. Small ones have such a unique perspective.

We were driving in the car one time, Sid and I, and he was talking about Grammie (John's mom). I was responding to what he was saying, and he says..."Mama, do you know Grammie?" I said "Of course I do, Bubba". Then he says "Well, I never seed you talking to her before."

After thinking on it, I realized that he has never seen us in the same room together. Not since his very early childhood. Huh! True story.

Another day we were talking about babies. Monica's is due this month, so Sidney was saying that you get married, then you get a baby in your belly. I told him, close enough. Then he asked if I had one in my belly. Noooooo. I said, "I was married before Sidney." he says "To who?" I said "Well, Daddy."..."MYYYY DADDY?" followed by a lot of giggles. Funny how he would find that so amusing, but how can he not when he has never ever seen us together before?

I also had a relationship in between splitting with John and becoming involved with Blake. His name is Doug. Sidney got pretty close with him. Closer than Seth did for sure. I decided after too long in that it was not going to work for me and my children long term. He is a nice enough person, but just didn't want what I wanted in a relationship. Everything changes when you have children. They are an extension of you and must be included in the equation to a high degree. I must say though, Sidney's concern for Doug is that he is not alone. A friend told me he was with someone so when I told Sidney that Doug had a new girlfriend, all was well in his world. He just doesn't want anyone to be all alone.

Lastly, we have moved to 4 different places since I moved out of the house. Their father has moved once. Sidney has proven to be a very adaptable child. Very accepting of change and quick to adjust to new surroundings, provided his personal comforts are at hand.

My Fresh New Look

I went through with it! I chopped the locks and I love it!

I am still getting used to styling it myself though. The downside is that now I require morning hair maintenance which I don't care for, but all in all...change is good!

Little Friends

We have ants...again! I spent several years dealing with them in my old house, and here I am again. Crap. Has to do with the soil around the properties.

I am home with Sidney for the day because he has pink eye...ewwww. Anyhow, we were in the kitchen getting toast when we found some ants on the counter. Sidney likes to squish them between his fingers, or step on them when he has the chance, but this time a little ant crawled onto his hand. He squished it a little first, but it was still truckin along. He let it crawl for a few seconds...giggling at the way it tickled his arm. Then he says "oh, maybe he'll stay with me for a while." ANYTHING for a friend, I suppose. Enjoying the morning with him today. It feels good to spend one on one time with each of them.

My Hair, My Samson

I have been letting my hair grow since Seth was born in October 1997. I have made slight changes to it since, but only an extra layer or whatever. I only trim it once or twice a year on average, and I have added highlights 3 times over the past 8 years. I have finally gotten up the nerve to change it. Thursday is the day...

I don't know why, but it's almost like my hair is my strength and confidence. Sound weird? Ah well, that's me. It makes me feel pretty. I suppose that's because as it was growing, I was also loosing weight (40 pounds, actually) and I was starting to look and feel better about myself. In my opinion, my hair is my best feature. It is certainly what people comment on the very most. I have held off on cutting/changing it drastically. Part of me is afraid that the confident feeling I carry will go away when I make that change. Silly, really...

My sisters sent me a little gift the other day. A beautiful spring jacket in turquoise, and a really pretty dress that I can wear to work. I have been looking at the jacket and imagining myself wearing it with a different hairstyle. I know in my mind what I want, we well have to see how it all turns out. I need to do this. I need to update my style. I will post a picture once I have done the deed. Wish me luck!

Feed My Self Esteem

This was the title of a small exercise we did in Human Relations during my year at college. We had to give a piece of paper with this title to 5 people who were students, and 5 who we knew in other capacities. These are the responses I received in 1996:

NonStudents:

You are to me the picture of cheer. Always willing to help someone in need, even if you are in need yourself. You are always filled with love and kindness. You are the best friend a person could ask for.

John Riutta

Cori is the most empathetic person I have ever known. She never trivializes the problems or pain of another person. This is her most admirable quality and what makes me prooud to call her my friend.

Patty Desjardins (my best friend at the time)

You are the most sensitive person I know, with respect and understanding of people and their problems and you try to keep everyone that you deeply care for happy. You are also very loving and caring person. I see this especially in the way you are with my family (daughter). I am glad to know you and very lucky to have you as a friend.

John Desjardins

Cori is very friendly, easy to talk to and down-to-earth. She seems to be always in a good mood and has a contagious laugh. She is very nice and cares about others. She is a hard worker. All around nice girl.

Jaques Simmard (husband of a classmate)

I really enjoy Cori's positive attitude and great smile. Cori also has a good sense of humour and a very inquisitive nature which I appreciate.

Judy Neville (professor at college)

Students:

Cori is a lovely person to know. She is always very pleasant, helpful, and willing to go that extra mile. I find her contributions in class extremely interesting

Pam Holmes

You are a very nice person. You have a lot of good things going for you. You are easy to get along with and you are easy to talk to.

Cathy Comeau

I find you to be a very positive person. Yoiu always look for the good in someone before the bad. You are always cheerful and happy, and if someone is having a bad day you always try to help them out because you are a compassionate person. I am very happy to have you as a friend. I can trust you with anything, personal or not. You are a great person. Don't ever change.

Tracy Sampson

Cori has a great sense of humour. She is sensitive to others' feelings. Beautiful on the inside and out. She is a supportive, a great listener and is friendly. She is always willing to help others, and is also a great dresser.

Brenda Goldie

You are out-going, very friendly, and very unique. I hope someday that I will be able to speak as well as you do. You are a very likable person!

Debbie Hudson

I Want to be Bold!

So, just driving one day and...

Sidney says: "I want to be Bold!"

"You do? Well that's nice"

"Yeah! I want to have all my hair cut and be BOLD!"

"Ohhhhh...you want to be BALD!"

"Mama, I want someone to cut all my hair and take it all off so nobody can't wash my hair anymore."

Joining the Minions

My name is Corinna, and I am a facebook addict. How do these things happen? What is it that drives us? Curiosity? The fascination with others' lives? Just the chance that you could find someone you would really like to find...

I must check that site at least 5 times a day at work. I am at my desk as we head into the busy season, so I am just there sitting at my desk and then I hear it...

The facebook...it calls to me. It says "check now, you never know, someone you want to hear from may be sending a note or an invite". Man, I don't have time for this! My children need baths and the bathrooms need to be cleaned. My children will be "the smelly kids" at school and my house will rot around me as I surf. Is there some sort of patch I am going to need for this?!

Glorious Creature Comforts

You know what I love? Having my back tickled. My sisters know this all too well. I also love, love, LOVE having someone play with my hair. Hello!!! What could be more relaxing? Lucky for me that Blake is good at this. I think I will keep him...

Little Life Lesson #1

It is interesting that you can see something during childhood which makes no sense at the time. There was a young girl in my apartment building named Billie-Rae (yep, that was her real name) who we used to hang with sometimes. We were standing in her doorway one time waiting for her when I noticed something very odd. There were knives hooked in the burner with the element turned on. I remember thinking "why are they burning their knives?"...

Years later I saw someone doing the same thing...I understand why people would burn knives now. It's like that big light just went on and all of a sudden I remembered that moment in time.

My Heart is Overflowing

Background...

pssst...Blake has a son. He just turned 9 years old. They haven't seen one another since his boy was 1 1/2. With respect to Blake and his privacy, I will not embellish except to say that because of many reasons of her own, and without explanation she left the province "without a trace". Blake has spent these years growing personally (as we all do) and becoming the responsible man that I met and became involved with. He thinks about his son every day--perhaps even more now as he gets to know my children. We have talked about the possibilities of finding them...how to do it and all of that.

Last Night...

After a conversation we had had previously, Blake decided to check out Facebook and see if he could find her name and picture. He called my cell as I was on my way home from work and says "I found her!". Oh My Goodness the emotion in his voice...so close to tears! So when I arrived he is still composing the e-mail. I read it and thought he said such appropriate things in a very non-confrontational mannor. He sent it without no expectation of response.

This Morning...

I was going through Tim Horton's drive-thru with the boys on the way in to work when the cellphone rings..."She responded", "He knows about me and they are moving here in June", "She was going to look for me" ...tears of joy are falling. It's in his voice, deep with emotion. OH HAPPY DAY!

Stay tuned for further developments...

Kidney Stones

I am feeling a lot of sympathy for Monica right now. The poor woman is due to have a baby at the end of May and she had a kidney stone attack yesterday! She called to let me know she was hospitalized because she was going to take the boys for the weekend. I am going to take the boys to see her tonight. They will like that. Their father is away until the middle of May, so they like to make sure she is ok while he is away.

Crazy Weekend

What a busy weekend! My friend Midge turned 27 last week and asked me to go out partying with her and some other friends. Blake and I really couldn't both afford to drink (with the cabride costing about $35 each way), so he sacrificed his fun and drove my drunk ass around for the night. We did have a lot of fun but it would be nicer if we were either both drinking, or both sober (as is usually the way). My co-worker Diana graciously offered to babysit my children for the night so it turned out pretty well.

Let me just say for the record that MY BOYFRIEND IS AWESOME!!! Not only did he watch out for me during drunken debauchery, but he also hung out with the boys all day Saturday while I drug my sorry ass to work and painted in the showroom for an 8 hour shift. Needless to say, I didn't have a whole pile of energy left when I arrived home. Seth was having a pre-arranged sleep-over at my place so I went to pick up his friend before heading to the couch for the evening. I woke up with a MONSTER migraine on Sunday. Coulda been the drinking, coulda been the painting, I am not sure but wow! It was painful and lasted all day and into the next. I have never before been physically sick from a migraine until Sunday night. I got the boys put to bed just in time to share some alone time with the toilet bowl. Blake was wonderfully helpful with everything I could have needed. He ran errands for me on Sunday and took the boys to their childcare facilities on Monday morning for me.

A very special THANK YOU to my love for being such a great partner and friend. I am lucky indeed.

Updates on Bad Habits

FYI

I have been on the nicoderm patch for almost 3 weeks now. It is going pretty well, although I did forget to put one on a couple of times. Have you ever seen the Nicoderm commercial with the flight attendant attempting to quit smoking?

That's exactly how I felt 3 days in and forgot that patch for work. Wow!

Shower Kareoke

I love to sing in the shower. It is so relaxing and pleasant. I have noticed that I am now able to sing out loud even if I know that Blake is sitting in my living room listening to me belt it out from the bathroom. I suspect he has better things to do than listen for my cracking voice, but hey! He may like the little serenades. Anyhow, this is one of my personal shower favorites. I got the little dance moves and all as I scrub up and wait for the conditioner to soak into my hair. Here it goes...

Give Me One Reason
by Tracy Chapman

Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely But you gotta make me change my mind

Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you I called too many times
You can call me baby You can call me anytime But you got to call me

Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely But you gotta make me change my mind

I don't want no one to squeeze me They might take away my life
I don't want no one to squeeze me They might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me (ohhh) and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you (ohhh) and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasing you around wasting my precious energy

Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Give Me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around
Because I don't want leave you lonely But you gotta make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason Give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason Give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you and there ain't no more to say

Wrestling Ambitions

My son wants to be a professional wrestler when he grows up. He wants to make millions of dollars and buy a Hummer. He learns about the wrestlers that he likes. He knows what their real names are, how long they have been in the business, what their signature moves are, and probably what they ate for breakfast if he can find it online.

Last weekend he attended a birthday party of a buddy who shares his love. They weren't told in advance where the party was, she just took them to this place...well let me tell you when they walked into the building there was a wrestling ring. She had arranged for the boys to be allowed into a wrestling school here in the city. Eyes like saucers and bodies itching to get into that ring! They watched demonstrations of training exercises and were actually allowed to get in the ring and fool around a bit. They were in their glory for a couple of hours, and Jen got to be Queen Mom for the day. You know you have really done something sooooo cool when your 9 year old will hug you in a public place. When Seth got back to his father's and called me, he told me he had gotten his very first injury--a bloody lip!

What was interesting is that Jen said the instructor actually watched Seth rather intently. Apparently, during the training demonstration he listened aptly to the instructions given because when he got into the ring he used what he had learned rather than simply imitating moves from tv. You have to be at least 14 years of age to attend this school and you have to be a certain weight and height also. Seth will be 10 in October, and is convinced that this is his chosen path. I don't put too much stock in it now, however, if he still wants it that badly at age 14, I may actually entertain the notion. Am I crazy or what?

A Week In My Life

I really just began writing this blog as a means to keep family members up to date on my life. I have been reading my sister Eve's for a couple of years now, and learn so much from her blog and those of the bloggers she loves. I finally took some time to really explore some of these "blogs of note". I am learning not to second guess my posts--that is to write the ones I am thinking about instead of discarding them as passing thoughts.

My time gets eaten up so fast. I work 8-5 Monday to Friday. I get up at 6:00am to get myself and the boys ready for school and daycare. Obviously on the weeks the boys are with their father, I can sleep a little longer. I have been thinking I may start doing pilates in the morning instead of after supper...but I digress...After work I pick up the boys and come home to cook supper. Sometimes I come home from work at lunchtime and get a head-start on it. I can have veggies ready to cook and meat in the crockpot some days. I sort of try to plan the weekday meals with some good holsom ones and some easy ones. I try to stay away from junkie meals like take-out or kd and hotdogs (although it is a Saturday afternoon favorite every second week). By the time supper is done and dishes are cleared away, it is time for play and mama's clean up. Then on to baths, homework, bedtime snacks and a little quiet time then Sid goes to bed at 8:00, and Seth 8:30 (then he reads for at least 15 minutes). I have incorporated exercise in there for myself as well. Usually I do it right after supper when the boys are playing and having desert. If I am really lucky and the evening goes well, I can actually sit down and watch a show at 9:00. Usually I tape everything then I am sure not to miss anything.

Weekends are slower going for us. I don't make alot of plans in general. Seth often has a sleepover here with a friend and we will run errands or go to the playground now that the weather is nicer. The boys are reaching an age where I can get up, get them settled in with a show and some breakfast and head back to bed for a while. I don't sleep soundly, mind, but it is restful just to spend a little extra time relaxing. Before I turn twice I am back to Sunday night. It is now 8:15. I don't have the boys here tonight (just have to get me ready). I still have to shower, straighten my hair and iron some clothes for the morning. Oh! Lunch would be good too. Hmmm...there are a few choices. I will have to think about it some more.

I am grateful to have a good job that supports me and my children, but do I ever wish sometimes that I could spend every day with them. Not to have to work, you know? I miss so many little things. I must say though that I have faith in the childcare facilities I have chosen. They take good care of my boys and provide excellent learning environments for them. Life is what it is and all we can do is make the best of every moment. I am working on not wishing so much time away waiting for the next weekend.

Oh The Drama!

Sidney is a very dramatic little guy. He lets everyone know just exactly how he feels at any given time in the loudest, whiniest voice possible.

He was sitting in his "thinking chair" in the corner of the livingroom the other night. He sits there when he has misbehaved so that he can think about what got him in trouble, see? Anyhow, he's sitting there all squirmy and whatnot waiting for his unbearably long 5 minutes to be over, and he says:

"I think you guys (meaning Blake and I) don't love me anymore. I don't want to sit in the corner" then, "I think you just like yelling at me"

I try not to speak to him at all during the time out because he will just continue to cry and carry on if you pay attention, so I let it go. Then he says:

"I'm thirsty!" waits a few seconds, then "I'm so thirsty Blake." no response from anyone..."See, I told you! You don't love me, you wouldn't get me a drink!"

Sidney the Cutie

We made a little fort on the loveseat for Sidney last night. He tucked himself in there and started playing with a little toy...it was sooo adorable that I got out the camera!

Me

As I said before, I was having trouble posting pictures for a while. I figured it out, and wanted to show you this one. I just like it.

Because We Love Meachother

Sidney: "Do you love me Mama?"

Me: "Yes, I love you very much Sidney."

Sidney: "Do you love Seth too?"

Me: "Of course I do. I love you both so much."

Sidney: "That's because we all love meachother, Mama."

Happy 3rd Birthday Piper!

My apologies to my sister Eve--sorry for not calling for Pipa's birthday! I was so happy to look at the pics you posted for the occasion. The song "Yellow" was lovely as well. I have many photos saved of your first little miss pinky and her back-up singer/dancer sistas as well.

It is so hard to believe that Piper is already 3 years old! Such a little lady. I look forward to the day that she can hang out with her cousin Sidney. They will have so much fun. I hope your celebration was a fun one Piper! Much love from your auntie Cori in Nova Scotia. I look at the handprint outline you drew for me in June every day.

Bad Habits and Resolutions

I have a lot of bad habits. I love beer on the weekends, and occasionally on a weeknight--depending on what's going on. I love smoking, yeah, I said it! I realize it is a super nasty habit and yet I struggle.

I don't like making New Year's Resolutions. I prefer to review my past year, and set goals for the new one. This year my goal is to begin a regular exercise routine again. I did it several years ago and maintained it until I was about 5 1/2 months along with Sidney. I loved it! Here I am again--5 years later...I have been steady at it for the last 3 weeks. Feels really good. I try and do it as soon as I get home from work, or right after supper if the boys are here. Sidney wants to do it with me. I tell him he can, only to stay far enough that I don't kick him or something. It's working out very nicely. The greatest part is that it encourages me to cut down/quit smoking. I did this before and I can do it again. I am not setting a specific date, but I am gonna do it. This is the year.

Closet Bitch

I have been thinking about this post for some time now. I have always been the nice girl...the compliant one. I have grown and learned from my experiences that I have to assert myself at times. It is very important to my personal growth.

Adair gave me a book to read that she thought I would find interesting. It is called: "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES From Doormat to Dreamgirl--A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship". I did, in fact, find in very interesting. Mostly because I was pleased to discover that I do hold my own in a lot of ways. I let my own conscience and instinct be my guide, however, there are times where I will put the needs and feelings of others before my own.

I have discovered (even before reading this book) that I have grown somewhat cynical in business, and more guarded with people than I used to be. I allow myself to form opinions and am beginning to accept that my feelings for others aren't always going to be nice. I can be a BITCH. There, I said it!

I get what I want. I say it like that because it is the truth. It may take time and sacrifice, but in the end, if there is something I really want, I get it. I feel stronger and more independant than ever. I am currently in a great relationship, but feel like it is all the better because I am certain that if something went horribly wrong I would bounce back and take care of business. I am learning more and more about myself as time goes by.

No Longer M.I.A.

To all concerned family members and friends: I AM FINE!

Frank wrote me an e-mail and said: "Just checking in, haven't heard from you or seen a blog entry in a while. You seem a little distant--everything ok?"

Kelly caught me on msn and said: "Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while--everything ok?"

Rebecca called and said: "I haven't talked to you all week!" "What's up?"

The funny thing is that I used to spend A LOT of time alone. I used to call my girls every day, or just about. I used to sit for a bit and chat online or do housework while on the phone, you know. My friend Brenda has been over for a couple of days visiting from out of town and I talked to her about it. She said: "Well Cori! You're just happy!"

I really had to give that some thought. I have certainly not been unavailable to my friends however, I have not been initiating contact as much. I have been doing some deep thinking, but not negative thinking. I realized--ready for this?--I actually do feel genuinely happy. I am always a happy sort of person, but I have found a new reason to rejoice. I seem to have found myself a real live partner. Someone who wants to be a part of my everyday life. Someone who actually adds luster and offers assistance. He likes to go where I go, and be where I am. We spend time apart, but more often than not we are together. My children love love love him too! Bare with me a little longer while I absorb all of this peace an harmony. I love you all, and I am always around if you want to talk. Don't be shy--call me!

Fiscal Year End

I have been working at my current place of employment for the last 6 1/2 years. We do inventory in June, October, February. This one is the most important as reports must be prepared for the Fiscal Year End. We manufactur/retail windows and doors. Every last screw has to be counted and noted on inventory sheets. These sheets then become the responsibility of my co-worker Diana and I to enter onto spreadsheets, then I find costs for finished product. We have pre-entered costs on manufacturing supplies to make the process easier, of course. February is a slow month in the industry so it is a good time to get the pricing done before it gets really busy again.

The only thing different about this inventory is that my boss is on a cruise this week. I was the lady in charge today. I controlled the organization of the counts, although most of us know what has to be done and how to do it. We worked extra hard to make it right so that the poor man won't be afraid to go on future vacations. We got everything done by about 6:30 tonight. The Homeshow is starting on Friday and I am taking 1 shift and maybe another if needed. It's a long week, but a nice little bonus on the paycheck. Gotta love it!

A Brother From Another Mother

So, if you read this and you don't know this already, my ex-husband and his girlfriend are having a baby this May. The boys are very excited! Honestly, I am getting a little excited as well. It is different for me because of our custody arrangement. This child will be a huge part of my boys' lives and I will come to know him/her through them.

I stopped by the Boys and Girls Club (where Seth goes before and after school) and the ladies where telling me a very funny story...

The kids at the club will often refer to one another as their "brother from another mother", and Seth was standing...thinking as he does...and says to the leaders..."Hey! I can say that for real because I am having another brother...but not from my mother!" He is so serious, thoughtful and intelligent. He also has a very good sense of humor.

A Day for Love

It's Valentine's Day! It is not about the gifts or the cards or the outings as much as it is in recognition of love.

Here are some things I believe about love:

Loving Oneself is paramount.

The very best kind is unconditional.

There are reasons why certain people come into our lives for us to love.

Actions show the abundance of love with much more clarity than words.

Share the feelings you have for your loved ones. Tell them you love them often and with sincerity. It will make a difference in their lives.

It's Date Night

Blake and I are going on a date tonight. We haven't been "out out" for a long time now, so I am very excited! We are going to dinner and then perhaps to the mall for a little window shopping. It is damn cold outside, so we will stick to indoor activities for tonight. I would love to see a movie also. Perhaps tomorrow night we could do that. I love weekends! So much potential.

I'm So Confused!

I switched to the new blogger system and now I cannot add photos, post comments, or get things in general to work on here. I admit I am not a computer savvy lady so that accounts for a lot of it but come on now! Isn't this supposed to be easier? I got so discouraged that I just haven't felt like posting--well, that and I have been sick with the flu.

I have had lots of little things on my mind. I have thought about writing my thoughts down but sometimes I am just as happy to keep it to myself. I tend to hibernate a little in the wintertime. I come home from work and cuddle up on the couch with a blanket (when i don't have the boys that is). Sometimes I play solitaire or something on the computer, but past that my interest wanes.

All is well with me and my boys. They are with their father at the moment. Blake and I were talking to them last evening, and Blake told each of them that he loved them. I was very touched even though I already know that he does. It felt so good to hear him say it to them both.

ps: Thank you Kelly, I will try and figure it out. Mostly a patience problem.

Tidbits About Me

I read my sister Eve's post a few days ago, then my cousin Kelly's (if I knew how to link I would) and they each posted a bit about themselves. I loved reading it and decided to do one about me. Here it goes!

1. I have four siblings. A brother who shares both parents, a half brother who shares our father, and two sisters who are the children of my guardian parents.

2. I am nicer and more forgiving than most people.

3. At Christmas time I donate a turkey dinner (uncooked) to a needy family. I get much enjoyment from this.

4. I do not like to be late for anything--EVER!

5. I love to cook and bake. I cooked for the family quite often starting at the age of 13. I can make anything with a recipe except pie crust. I buy those frozen.

6. I have a stong ability to put others at ease.

7. I have worked as a cashier, a roller skating price checker, a video store clerk, sold tickets for BC lotto corp, a nanny, a bank teller, and an administrative assistant.

8. I was never one to excel in school. I attended college as a mature student and finally realized that I am smarter than I thought. Honors in every course. Yay for me!!!

9. I once climbed Grouse Mountain in Vancouver, BC. Took about 5 hours or so the first time and we got caught in a blizzard near the top.

10. I have several female friends but they don't know one another aside from perhaps meeting once or twice. I met each of them at a different time in my life.

11. Paper clutter doesn't bother me in my home as long as my dishes are done, and my bathrooms are clean.

12. I absolutely HATE ironing. My ex is a military man and he used to do it for me.

13. I wore head gear before my braces for six months--TO SCHOOL AND EVERYTHING! By the way, my teeth are not straight.

14. I did a Madonna "Lucky Star" lip sync in grade 8. I had just moved to a new school and actually found it to be a good ice-breaker for me. I did a repeat performance in grade 12.

15. I attended a morning religion class every school day from grades 9 to 12. It started at 7:00am, so I got up earlier than everyone in the house so I could have the first shower.

16. I have been the victim of sexual assault on more than one occasion.

17. I once saw a man intentionally drop his 2 year old daughter from above his head. I was 10 at the time I believe. Still sends shock waves to think of it.

18. I was the last person in the "family" to speak to a man who overdosed on heroin several hours after we spoke. He was the brother of my boyfriend and had called my place looking to talk to his mother. I sometimes wonder what the outcome would have been if he had seen her or talked to her that day. Very sad.

19. Small things can make me feel tremendously happy, or horribly sad.

20. I cry when experiencing any extreme emotion. Anger, Sadness, Joy...you get the idea.

Things That I Love

my children running into my arms...

a long kiss from my lover...

the sound of happy talk and laughter...

satisfaction of a job well done...

helping a friend...

Now onto some smaller things, creature comforts if you will.

coffee and a bagel in the morning...

watching a weekly show that I enjoy...

a quiet evening with no schedule...

work to keep me busy all day at the office...

meals that are well received...

I am grateful for what I have. I am so blessed to have 2 healthy boys, a steady job and a great place to live. I am grateful for my new companion with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings quite freely. I am grateful for my experiences as they make me the person I am today.

Phases

I must say that I have been a little frustrated lately with my boys. Horrible, I know...may I burn in hell for it, but that's just how it is sometimes with children.

Sidney turned 3 in August, and has always been so full of energy and curiousity. As far as I am concerned, terrible 2's have nothing on 3's! He is prone to huge temper tantrums--regardless of where we are. Last night Blake and I took the boys to Wal-Mart, as they just opened in a new location. Sidney wanted to walk but wouldn't hold hands and had to go into a cart. He had a small fit and we almost turned around and left. We got through it and went through the store, then he threw another fit because I wouldn't buy him a toy. Well! Drama Queen emerged in full force, so Blake took him to the car while Seth and I waited at the checkout. When we got to the car, Blake told me that Sidney bit him when he was taking him out. Lovely! Temper, temper! He went to his room for the night when we got home. With Sidney, I know that it will eventually change and we will move onto another phase.

Now Seth. He turned 9 in October, and has always been able to push my buttons. We have spent considerable time alone together over the years as his father would be away for work. We have become very close, but also began to butt heads a lot. He is very intellegent, and believes that he knows everything and that he can make his own choices about what he wants to do at any given time. I am told this is partially an age-related problem which makes me feel a little better about it, but I find it very difficult. I have noticed that in general conversation, he will try to assert his opinions on things which are none of his business. He needs constant reminding that he is not the boss. He will made smart-assed remarks with no concern for consequence. He needs to be asked at least 2-3 times before even acknowledging that I have spoken. I tend to get excited and raise my voice in these situations, however, I am ever mindful and trying hard to change that reaction. I came to the sad conclusion that I find it stressful and unpleasant to spend quality time with him right now. It makes me feel very sad. I don't want to sit with him and have my feelings hurt. I show him love and affection, but have less patience. I feel like I am doing nothing but chastising him or nagging him. I know that as a parent I am doing what I am supposed to do and saying what needs to be said. I know that I am being assertive without being mean. Still feel bad sometimes though. I know that this too shall pass. Onto another phase. God help me!

Indoor Voice

Hello. My name is Corinna, and I am a loud talker. I don't mean to be, really I don't--it just comes out! We recently hired a new employee named Diana as our installation/service coordinator. She and I have had a business relationship for a few years as her old employer used to purchase windows from our shop. She was talking with our service tech one day, and I thought for a moment they were having a disagreement. I spoke with her about it the next day and quickly realized that she is a loud talker too!

She made a comment that compelled me to blog about it. She told me that her sisters always used to tell her to "use your indoor voice!". I cannot count how many times my sisters have said the same thing to me. Made me smile. To everyone who thinks I talk too loud, SORRY! I'LL TRY TO BE MORE QUIET!!!

The Sopranos

A&E just got made! They are now broadcasting The Sopranos on A&E from the beginning! I order the movie channels every year when the new season comes to HBO. I have seen each episode AT LEAST a couple of times, and I absolutely love it! I was very glad to hear they would be running the show regularly so I can get my fix, as the new season will be the last. My only complaint is that it has all been edited. I know some people wouldn't mind this, however, when I see Paulie slam a man's head against the table and holler "Forget it!" instead of "F**k it!", the effect is somewhat different.

It's not that I can't enjoy it without the swearing, but it is different all the same. I have a bit of a potty-mouth myself so I am not the least bit offended by the language. I can appreciate that some folks are, but if you don't like that sort of thing, this is not the show for you. I know they have rules about language, but CTV ran it without editing for a couple of years, so why not A&E? I will still watch because I love it, love it, love it, but inside I will continue to giggle when I hear the substitute words that they have inserted. That's my rant for the day, thank you for listening.

Road Trip

Took a little trip to the Annapolis Valley this weekend. Clear skies and roads for driving made the travel time very pleasant--plus I didn't have to drive! Blake and I went with another couple to spend a couple of relaxing days. It was very nice, but I realized something. I am a homebody! I was happy to be somewhere else for a couple of days, but relieved to come home and be in my own space again. Maybe that comes along as we get a little older--just that we like things to be the same, you know?

I Feel Pretty

Pretty...

I feel pretty...

I feel pretty so pretty and pretty...

Sing it with me!

I have been feeling yucky lately as I have an acne problem that comes and goes. It probably looks much worse to me than to others, but it makes me feel decidedly unpretty. I know there are people with far worse things to worry about, and I don't mean to make a big deal of it, but it bothers me. I feel like "man! I am 35--what's up with this?"! Sometimes it's tough being a girl--waaa waaa. Ok, I'll stop whining now.

What I really want to say is that my man makes me feel pretty even with the spotted face. He calls me "beautiful", or "l'il mama" and tells me how nice I look all the time, and how much he appreciates what I do for him also. That's not to say that men in previous relationships didn't say nice things, but Blake just does it in a way that makes me truly feel it, you know? I am very happy with the way things are going in my relationship. It feels right and positive. Love is grand, ain't it?

Five Years Ago Today...

Happy Anniversary to my beautiful sister Eve! On a gorgeous beach in Mexico, she married the man of her dreams--Rob. I was so blessed and happy to be in attendance. The ceremony was unique and touching, and the company was extraordinary. An entire week of eating, drinking, and socializing with family and friends! She had 35 guests right there on the beach. People walking by couldn't help but stop and watch. It was unforgettable!

I logged on to her blog this morning and got the sad news that she would be a less frequent blogger. Now that she has 3 babies, she just has different priorities. Eve will be missed, I assure you. Her blog is so much fun to read. I have been able to look in on her and her growing family every few days, as we live so far apart. That was part of my inspiration for starting my own blog. Aside from my children and one cousin, my family all lives away. It is a great forum for loved ones to check in on me and see pictures from time to time.

I have loved keeping up with your life, Eve! Many wonderful years of happy marriage coming your way, my sweet sis. You've got it under control.

Back in the Day

I love Hip-hop! We have a great new radio station here that is dedicated to Hip-Hop/Rap music. They started by simply playing music to see how popular it was, and low and behold! People were talking. About a month or two after the initial broadcast, we had a new station complete with fresh new radio personalities and sponsors. We live in a very conservative province, you see, so it really could have gone either way. This genre of music has become so mainstream that people of all ages listen to it. I know why I do. It goes back to my childhood.

After my parent's divorce when I was 7, my mother, brother and I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment in "The Hood", as you will. Anyone from here recognizes the address when I say that's where I lived. I had friends of various races, never knowing what it was to be "prejudice" because we all had one huge commonality. WE WUZ ALL PO. I am very grateful for this as it gave me the basis for a life without judgment of others based on appearances. As I said, Nova Scotia is a conservative province and has a long history of contention among different races(particularly between white and black people). It was while living there that I developed my love of Hip-Hop/Rap music. Every Saturday, all the kids from the neighbourhood would take the bus to the other side of town to rollerskate at "Wheelies". We donned our tight jeans and highcut sneakers, brought our own K-Mart special rollerskates to began our weekly adventure. The tongues on the skates were tied down to the boot with the laces, and fuzzy dice hung down the sides for all to admire. We were kings and queens of that stadium whether others knew it or not. It was all about the hip-hop there, and of course, the slow tunes to show off the skating/dancing technique we had all been working on.

The roller rink is long gone, replaced with a large car dealership, but the memories live on from that time in my life. Gone are the days of children being out and about without parental supervision--even in large groups. There are unseen dangers lurking everywhere that we were oblivious to at the time. I mourn this loss of innocence for my own children, who will never have the freedom I had.

Thank you to Z103.5 for allowing me to reflect on these fond memories.

Happy New Year!

It's been awhile, I know. I started writing several times, but never really finished one to post. Sometimes I have so much I'd like to talk about that I can't pick one topic only. The tree is out and the ornaments are put away. My house is neat and tidy -- back to normal. I like that.

The boys arrived home from their father's this afternoon. So nice to have them back, although I had a nice week getting organized and working, of couse. I just wanted to let you know I will be writing soon. I am being summoned for a cuddle with Seth at the moment. Gonna go do that.

Christmas With Audrey

Once I get my pictures scanned, I think I will post one of my mother. She really was a genuinely wonderful person. Well loved and well missed. The last Christmas we spent with her was in 1984.

She was quite ill, but still able to live at home. Our father took my brother Rodney and I out to pick some gifts for her. We got a couple of cute nighties, bath things, butterfly writing paper, and her most favorite thing...CHOCOLATE SNOWBALLS! These are not the home-made cookies you may be thinking of, but a soft, fluff like marshmallow covered in chocolate and coconut that you purchase pre-packaged. She absolutely loved them, and they were always around at Christmas.

My most vivid memory of Christmas to date is the joyous sight of my mother eating her favorite treat, getting marshmallow on her lips and chin in a childlike manner. We are very much alike in some ways, she and I.

I miss you Mom.

It's Christmas Eve, Eve

What a great day! I went out this morning and got the remainder of my purchases made. I just had to get a little candy and some things at the grocery store. I chose time and stores wisely, it seems. All went well. I spent my time at home getting the house cleaned and whatnot as I am having Blake's family (mom, dad, and brother) over for dinner tomorrow evening. The boys are here until noon on Chirstmas day, so I am having my dinner on Christmas Eve. It is almost midnight here and I still have some shortbread cookies in the oven, but all is well. I am at peace. Psssst!!!!!! Christmas is the day after tomorrow. I am very excited.

I really love Christmas you know! I enjoy giving a gift that the receiver truly enjoys. It doesn't matter how much it costs, just that I have considered what that person would like and appreciate. Receiving gifts is also very nice, however, I am pretty easy to please in that regard so generally I am genuinely pleased.

I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, although I expect I will post after the boys have left. I will have some pictures from tomorrow and Christmas morning. Everything is ready, and I feel fabulous. Life is good.

Concert Pictures

Seth is the child in the back row, wearing red. Unfortunately, I snapped as he bent over... I wish I could add a big arrow and circle so you could at least see where he was standing!

Sidney is front and centre wearing orange. He oves to entertain.

Happy Holidays?!!

Do you know that you are not allowed to say the word "Christmas" in any song during the "Holiday Season Concert" at my son's school? Wow! Hey! Wouldn't want to offend anybody by saying "Merry Christmas". I am all for diversity of culture and religion, but living in a community that is clearly 85-90% Christian (those who celebrate Christmas), it is amazing to me that our children are not permitted to say this classic, happy phrase. Is it offensive to share warm wishes with others, even if they may not share our religious beliefs? How is it that we have come to place so much importance on not offending people who immigrate to our province that we will deny ourselves our own right to celebrate our religious holidays? I guarentee if I moved to India I couldn't appeal to their government to stop the citizens from open celebration of their holidays! Only in Canada my friends!

The boys each had a small Christmas concert at their respective child care facilities, however, school children from grades 3-6 no longer take part in the "Holiday Season Concert" unless they are a part of the band or choir. Thankfully, people still say "Merry Christmas" in the streets here. I will be sad when that is gone.

I will post a pic from Sidney's concert tonight or tomorrow, but I only got one pic at Seth's. He bent to tie his shoe as I waited for the digital delay, then they were all done. He doesn't mind not participating in the concert. Not really his thing. Sid, on the other hand, LOVES IT!

Eat and Be Merry

'Tis the season, as they say! I love Christmas time. The decorating, the music, the parties and all. I went to two parties this past weekend. Needless to say I am tired today but it was worth it for sure. My staff party was Friday at noon. We shut down the warehouse to have a bbq steak dinner with all the fixings. My boss loves to shop for the food, so there is always plenty for everyone, and it is all yummy! He gets all the ingredients for potato salad and prepares it the night before at home. I asked him if I could make anything, he said he had it covered. He also checks with each staff member to ask what they would like to drink. No hard alcohol, but beer, coolers, wine even, but most of us get beer. It goes so well with the steak and stuff. Can you tell I love food?

Blake's party was Saturday night. It was at a nice restaurant in town called Boomerang's. The menu was a single page with no need for more choices. It was a great assortment. We also had a chance to have some yummy drinks in between the four courses. The place was packed by 8:00pm, and you could tell they wanted us to get r done and get out. We came to my place and a couple from the party came by for a drink. All in all, a weekend full of food and merriment (perhaps more than necessary of the latter).

So the nicest part of Saturday evening was the little gift I received a few days early. I had bought some costume jewelry to go with my dress, but it hung a little oddly. I was going to wear it, but Blake gave me something to open. It is a beautiful necklace with one of those circle of life charms. I love it, and him.

I have not been able to figure out how to put to pictures below the dialog with captions. If anyone has any helpful hints, please let me know.

A Bedtime Story

I Love You So...

"I love you."
"How much?"
"SO much."
"How much is so?"
"Way, Way MORE than you know..."

I love you as BRILLIANT as each sparkling star,
and as WAY OUT as space, I love you that far.

I love you as GIGANTIC as a great lion's roar,
and as DEEP as the ocean, I love you MUCH more.

"That is a lot," you say, "but HOW did it start"
WHERE did love come from to be in you heart?"

YOU put it there, really, when you and I met.
And I knew for certain WITHOUT you I'd fret.

From MY HEAD to my TOES, I was feeling inside
a devotion to you SO DEEP and SO WIDE.

And now it's ENORMOUS and wonderfully real
and hard to describe HOW MUCH I feel!

I love you as AWESOME as a thunder sky,
and as SOARING as mountains, I love you THAT high.

I love you as SILLY as a puppy dog's kiss,
and as QUIET as midnight, I love you like THIS.

"Do you love me EVERY day?" you ask with doubting awe,
"or does love go UP 'N DOWN like a teetering see saw?"

I love you as STEADY as the earth rounds the sun,
thought SOME days of life, are the FARTHEST from fun.

"Like when you feel MAD?" you ask with distress,
"'cause I've BROKEN the rules or made a BIG mess?
Or , when I'm UNKIND, and your feelings are BLUE,
do you love me ALTHOUGH I do what I do?"

I love you being NICE, and when you're CRANKY, too.
I love you without liking the NAUGHTY things you do.

My 'love you' DOESN'T change like the temper of the days.
It's a CERTAIN kind of thing in many DIFFERENT ways.

You're my SWEETIE, my dear, my SMILE and laughter.
You're my PLAYMATE for always, and my JOY ever after.

Hanging out WITH YOU is where I want to be...
eating ice cream sundaes or watching the TV.

UNDER you umbrella, behind you on a bike
By you and BESIDE you is what I REALLY like.

"Do you love me just AS MUCH when I'm FAR away from home?
Is your loving still THE SAME in distant lands I roam?"

I love you NEAR or FAR. I love you HIGH or LOW.
My love is there with you WHEREVER you may go.

"Even when I'm SICK...and I can't get out of bed?
Do you love me better HEALTHY than with fever in my head?"

I CAN'T IMAGINE life before YOU came along...
me there singing senseless, no MEANING to my song.

Call it MEANT TO BE or simply blessed fate,
you fill my heart WITH LOVE and for that I celebrate.

"I love you."
"How much?"
"SO much."
"How much is 'so'?"
"WAY, WAY MORE than you know..."

written by: Marianne Richmond

We're Jumping For Joy!!!

My girl's gettin married! Adair and I have been friends for more than half our lives. We have shared joys, sorrows, laughter and tears. We have always stayed in touch, met one another's loves, and been there when everything seemed to "fall apart". Adair is a special person for whom I have always had admiration. Her life took a different path allowing her to focus on career rather than family. Well, now it's her turn to be the wonderful stepmother that she is, and have children of her own as well.

I am so very happy for her, and cannot wait for updates on wedding plans.

Anxiety Rears It's Ugly Head

Ever had that tightness in your chest? That feeling that your heart is going to leap right out of your chest and be exposed to the world? As if you cannot catch your breath no matter how hard you try? Thoughts racing through your mind so quickly you can't catch up?

I have generalized anxiety disorder (so says my doctor). There are names for every kind of disorder--have you noticed? It's really just something to call it so you are aware and can work to fix it, or at least live comfortably with it. I have had a hectic 3 years and have certainly had some upsets and stress attached to it all. Overall, I am proud of how well I have done with it. I did take meds for a few months during a particularly difficult patch. I still felt anxious sometimes, but wasn't losing my breath so much. It was under control. I learned how to channel it a bit, and stopped the meds in July. Since then, things have been going pretty well. I can tell when I am stressed because I grit my teeth together making my jaw very tight and sore--often when I am sleeping.

So, today I was sitting at work, thinking about the changes I would like to make in my life for the benifit of my family. And it began--all those signs of the ugliness about to invade my mind and body for a time. Wow! There are all kinds of things happening right now, so I suppose it was bound to happen. I need to upgrade my computer skills, get a better job, and just be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love where I work but will never have a chance to advance there. Just the way it is...gotta move on eventually. Hence, the panic attack. It doesn't always take a large thing to start. Sometimes it is really the smallest of things, but once the thoughts start rolling, it's got me. I just had to purge a little. It is close to sleepy time. Thank you for listening. Goodnight.

Everybody Smile!

I was at the airport one evening waiting to pick someone up, and decided to play a little game. I sat down near the arrival monitors, made eye contact, and smiled at each person who looked in my direction. The results were so very interesting. Some people don't quite know what to make of it, so they give a little close-liped smile, and move on. Others find it quite engaging--and I don't mean in a flirty way. I got so many beautiful smiles back that evening. Made it very worthwhile for me.