You need a tiara

updates first...

I have moved every item I own (with the exception of a parring knife that I can't find) into my new apartment. I am so pleased to finally have all my stuff back. I love looking around at my pictures, my piggies (yeah, I collect them, so what?), and all my other things. Tracy came to visit yesterday (for the 3rd time in 2 months I might add) and helped me unpack and organize everything. I invited a few people over for a little New Years Eve party tonight and it was wonderful to have her help me get everything ready. Lucky me, lucky me!

I stopped at a little corner store the other night and the sweet Chinese man who works there noticed my key chain which says "Call me Princess" and commented with a smile.

I said, "Yeah, I also have a princess lamp in my bedroom"

He laughs and says, "You need a tiara."

"Oh I already have one of those." which got him laughing a lot.

I left the store with a happy little feeling that I get when I have a pleasant conversation with a stranger. (well, I do see him there sometimes, but you know what I mean.)

Happy New Year everyone! 2009 is going to be a fresh new start. I am happy and looking so forward to my future.

kisses,

the princess

Closer to Home

Sorry if I alarmed anyone with my absence. November was a month for hibernating, and December was a month for re-gaining personal strength and getting everything back on track. I am 90% moved in to my new apartment. I still have my bed, 1 bunk bed, my computer desk plus a few boxes here, but my storage unit is cleared out and I will be unpacking over the weekend. Perhaps not ideal for the holiday season, but it works well for me. I will be nesting and waiting for the return of my routine with the boys. I am so very happy and excited to be self-sufficient again. It makes me feel much calmer.

I got my hair cut and have decided that I need to go shorter and a little different next time. Change in stages is better for me. I want you all to know that I have been feeling very positive about myself and getting through everything ok. I had a little relapse of emotion at the end of November that I had to work through but I feel much stronger today.

Merry Christmas to all of you! For those of you celebrating and observing other holidays, I wish you the very best as well. It was my turn to have the boys for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning this year. We had an early celebration this past weekend with my cousin and her son. (Check out those lobsters. Don't they look YUMMY!) Today I feel very blessed to have had time with family and be surrounded with love. It was a small Christmas this year, but I did right by the boys and they had a lot of fun this morning. Santa gave them great gifts indeed. I am heading to Becca's for dinner and drinks tonight. I'm sure we'll have a great time.

mmmmm...lobster! starting my new family tradition

Here we are in front of my pretty tree

I promise I'll come back.

kisses,

the princess

My new favorite tv show

Has to be "The Big Bang Theory". It's freakin hilarious! My favorite character is Sheldon. You should definitely check it out. Makes me laugh my ass off. Just wanted to share a new discovery. It's on CBS on Monday nights by the way.

kisses

the princess

Guitar Princess

I haven't returned the borrowed playstation2. I have been playing it instead. I am at a slight disadvantage as there is no memory card so once I turn it off, my Princess career is over. I got down to the 4th section of songs tonight. I had to do 2 encores and a battle to get there. I f**king rock! Guitar Hero told me so. I might play a little tomorrow night so I got it back to the main screen, switched over to the cable box and left the power on the game. Is that bad for it? I don't want to ruin it but I sure do want to continue with my song choices. It took me some sweating and sore fingers so I am just not ready to stop yet. Obsessed much?

Keep in mind this is the one and only video game I play or have any interest in playing. I love playing when I'm alone because I get distracted when someone talks to me. See? I'm keeping myself busy.

My kids are the bomb! Little geniuses I tell ya!

I had my boys for the weekend and boy, did we have fun! As you know, their father had some issues with my temporary living accommodations and decided to keep them the majority of the time until I move into my new place at the beginning of January. Being the older son, Seth has a pretty good understanding of the situation but Sidney has a different view. We were walking back from the local Tim Horton's yesterday when he pipes up:

sid~"Mama, why do we have to wait such a long, long, long time to see you and we see Daddy more?"

me~"Well, Daddy just thought it might be better until I get all our stuff into the new place. It's not much longer now Bubba then everything will go back to normal."

sid~"Well, I want it back to normal now."

me~"Me too Sidney."

Then at bedtime he says:

sid~"Mama, are you picking us up tomorrow?"

me~"No, Daddy is picking you up."

sid~"Awwww...I want to come back here with you. Mama, I don't think you should have made that deal."

Out of the mouths of babes, wha?

We had a snow storm on Friday night. Since I had heard all the weather warnings, I collected the boys and we went to rent movies, I bought a shovel and a scraper, and whatever snacks we needed to spend the weekend at home. A friend of mine was even kind enough to let us borrow a playstation2 so we could play guitar hero!

Seth and I spent some quality time cuddling up watching tv once Sidney had gone to bed. He seems to be doing well and patiently waiting to get all his packed stuff back in his possession. He is a quiet thinker that boy, so he probably only says a portion of what's really on his mind. I am glad to see that he is doing well though. Grades are staying completely level...not to brag, but they are both near or at the top of their classes! It was such a great weekend and I am very grateful that we had such a nice time...snow storm and all. It's only another 5 weeks. What's that in a lifetime really?

My back is sore today from all the shoveling! Come on, rain! Wash this all away before the snow comes again.

Are you prepared for winter?

It snowed last night. This was the first "real" snowfall of 2008. It did snow on Tuesday as well, but it melted as soon as it hit the ground. Yesterday started off the same way. Really big, wet flakes of snow were falling like mad all afternoon making the ground and roads very wet. I came home, took a hot shower and settled in for the night with the curtains closed. It wasn't until a couple hours later when I was talking to the boys that I looked out and realized that the snow as actually staying on the ground! Oh crap, do I hate the snow. It looks pretty, sure but you still have to shovel it and drive in it. It occurred to me then that my ice scraper is in a box in my storage unit. Not performances my friends, not performance.

This morning I awoke to a mini winter wonderland and my first thought was..."How the hell am I going to get all the snow off my car?"

I went out to investigate the situation. I unlocked the car door and pried it open so I could start it. Then I went to work with my gas card. Hmmm...this isn't going to work. There's ice under that snow. What can I use? So, I remove my house key from my key chain and head back into the warmth to collect my thoughts.

Here's a mental picture for you...have you ever seen someone scrape their windshield with a spatula? Well, if you had been driving by my place this morning that's exactly what you would have seen. I sort of hid it a little from passing pedestrians as I must admit I felt a little silly. It did get the job done though. I think I will head to Wal-Mart on the way home after work and get myself a real scraper with the brush on the other end. I believe I am going to need it.

Adjusting to the newness of it all

I have been wanting to write, yet not feeling like actually doing it. I have been a negligent blogger and reader lately. I try to take a peek at a few, but just haven't really been into it much. Everything has changed. Things feel so different and new. I am beginning to feel happier inside. I haven't cried in several days. This feels good. I find that I have withdrawn somewhat though. I often choose to spend time alone instead of going out and I don't even feel bad about it. I am just adjusting.

The boys are, in fact spending more time at their father's. Once I had that accident and everything I just didn't have any more fight. Please understand I did not give up my boys or anything foolish like that. They are coming for some weekends and for Christmas of course. It's so unnatural seeming to not have anyone here to care for. Just me. I will have you know I have been eating more and feeling stronger too. I am healing. Still sad sometimes, but better for sure. I have already secured our permanent residence for January 1st. Everything is coming together and I am feeling positive I assure you.

Suddenly I have all this time yet nothing to do with it all. Sometimes I don't even want to do anything. Not even this. I just think. I try to get used to the silence. This is such a temporary thing and it will be over before I can turn, so I can totally deal, but I am still overcome by the feeling of newness.

I happen to be living close to my friend/co-worker and we are going to walk together. It's getting pretty cold outside, but it's still nice. I do have snowpants if it gets that cold. Weather can change on a dime here in Nova Scotia. Just gotta stay warm is all.

A Princess Funny from back in the day

As you know I have been quite taken with the facebook since spring of 2007. I have re-connected with many old and dear friends and more than a few acquaintances as well. Anyhow, one such friend sent me a message shortly after we became "facebook friends" saying that he remembered passing notes with me in junior high. Why do I not remember this? Probably because I was passing notes with many friends...both boys and girls. Back to the story...

He sent me a message last evening when I logged in saying that he had been to his parent's place and dug out the notes. He said he had lots from many people. Must have been some interesting reading I think. Our conversation went like this:

old friend: "I found one from you on the day you tripped me."

me: "I tripped you? That wasn't very nice."

old friend: "Yeah, you apologised in the note."

me: "What did I say?"

old friend: "You said *sorry I tripped you at lunch today, but I couldn't resist*"

me: *cackling at my computer for a minute* then I typed "man, what a bitch I was, but that's really funny."

old friend: "totally."

Healing with Twinkle

My friend's place is very nice. She has each room painted in a different earth tone. She has a lot of candle holders and sconces and some white lights above the china cabinet for soft evening light. She also has them all around the fence of the backyard. There's this funky little hanging lamp in the bedroom that has little stars and moons cut out and that's where the light shines though. Perhaps I need to take a picture of it to show you. Soothing and soft. Ahhhhh

The boys are coming home tomorrow and my cousin and her son are visiting as well. I am really looking forward to a weekend with my family. This is a healing place my friends. And that's just what I am beginning to do. Re-read this post if you have another moment. The process has begun.

A post from the Sassy Suzel

So my friend, Princess in the House, asked if I wanted to write a post for her blog. I was sent these cute “children’s funnies” today, so I thought I’d share.

1. NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement an d then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

2. OPINION On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3. RELIGION A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

4) POLICE It was the end of the day when a police officer parked his van in front of the station. Gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking. A little boy walked up and asked the officer “Is that a dog you got back there?““Yes it is” the officer replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at officer and then back in the van and finally asked, “What'd he do?”

I mean Really, who throws a shoe anyway?

You know the expression “waiting for the other shoe to drop”? Well, they seem to be just falling from the sky. I have to break this up into manageable pieces as I do have a tendency to jump around. My thoughts flit…you know this.

Yesterday:

I have been taking an early lunch breaks because it’s generally busier in the afternoon and everyone is trying to get out for a break. It just makes it easier and I don’t really mind. I was coming back from lunch and at a busy intersection just about a minute from work as I turned into the right turning lane and yielded to oncoming traffic. I was waiting the green car pass when this BIG ASS yellow company truck (not my company of course) did not yield, therefore rear-ending me with a HUGE FREAKIN BANG! My car lurched forward, luckily not into traffic. I was able to get it to the shoulder of the road and turn it off. Then the hyperventilation set in.

*first thought*~~shit! Now I have to miss more time at work, just what I need…followed by a mental string of vile curses. It was pouring rain and I called work immediately to ask someone to come help me deal (since I am on the verge of hysteria and need reason), then I kinda rub my neck and get out to look at the back of the car. I spend a very short time examining the back (not realizing the damage on the right side at that point). Driver gets in to write down his info and ask if I’m ok. I tell him that it wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t already been having a few nasty days before.

I spent the entire afternoon at emergency. Unfortunately, I met no cute ambulance drivers, police, nurses or doctors. Apparently the fireman was good looking but I couldn’t turn my head to look. Anyhow, I had my first ambulance ride and cursed the entire ride there. So…I have whiplash. NICE. You do realize that I’m moving this week right? Packing’s gonna be a bitch.

Thursday:

Shortly after 4:30pm that day I received a call at work from one of the leaders at the morning/after school program. For the second week in a row he had been short, rude and disrespectful to her, therefore he would be suspended from the club for a day. He is normally quite well behaved so there’s something up. I called to tell his father and he got angry first, then told me Seth has been asking to see a therapist. I do not object to this, it’s just a lot to absorb all at once. I finished work and went to collect the boys. I told Seth to go to his room and read and that we would talk about it later. We talked. I am sad for him. I don’t know what’s wrong and we aren’t who he wants to talk to. This is going to be good for him I think. Just a scary new phase.

So, after the boys settled in for bed their father called back.

Baby daddy~~”I am worried about their behavior lately and think that they should stay with me for the next 2 months while you are in transition. That would be best, don’t you think? All settled in the new apartment?” sigh “Princess, it makes me sick to my stomach to have to call. I know you have been dealing with a lot of things right now and maybe this will be better for them.”

Mental me~~”NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THEM. PLEASE DON’T TAKE THEM FROM ME. I NEED THEM. I BETTER GET SOMETHING IN WRITING!

Aloud~~”I’m not sure I can handle that. I’m not sure they can. We need to talk to them.” *of course there was quite a bit of tears on my end as well.*

Ok my friends…so I understand all the practical reasons, the transition period and all of that. My rational mind tells me that even if this happens it’s not the end of the world. I can still see them on weekends and go to their activities. I still have them for Christmas Eve. I can see the upside. I can exercise every day and get into a balanced routine so that when they come back I am more healed and more healthy. *incidentally I am shrinking a little…trying to keep it under control* But, then there’s this whole other part of me that is just losing it. These are my children. How can I not see them when I am supposed to see them? How much will they miss me? I have been crying for days.

Saturday:

The ex boyfriend dropped his son off for a sleepover. He spoke with each of my boys (which was very nice) and we had a sweet, civilized, positive conversation ourselves. I never ever like for things to end on bad terms and with angry feelings, so it was comforting (even though I still know I need time all alone to heal). You have to know how much confusion was running through my brain. I wanted to hold him close, you know? It was nice, but it’s still over.

Today:

Whiplash is a bitch. Insurance companies can be difficult, but I happen to have a great broker. She hooked me up with a nice agent at my insurance company who has already begun handling all the details. I worked half the day then came home to rest as my neck is really sore as well as my right shoulder and forearm. No bruising, no deployment of the airbag. Lucky me.

Baby daddy called back and wants to sit the boys down sometime this week to tell them they are staying with him for a while. The man has spoken. Shit! I could go to my lawyer and fix this…but I am not going to. I just want a document that we can both sign with witnesses that I will have my boys back with me as soon as this transition is done and lots of visits in the interim.

I am overwhelmed. Any words you can give me to make me feel better? Aside from saying good thing I was in a car and not walking? Cause that would suck. Scroll down to the last couple of posts…had some guests in the princess house.

whew...that was really long.

I got to rest now.

kisses
the princess

Mariposa's Haiku

Back to My Future

it's over now, it was fun while it lasted,

that i've come to accept

why it happened, how it happened and what happened

dont hold meaning now

it's time to move on

i've got my sanity back

and i'm keeping it

Mariposa inspires me with her posts every week and I am so glad she decided to write something that ties in so well to me right now.

My Addiction

Princess here. Just letting you know that this post has been brought to you by the classically witty and often sarcastic Sid...all the way from South Africa. Enjoy!

Hi, my name is Sid and I’m an addict. They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Well, I’ve been clean for two months now. I’ve told everyone that I no longer constantly crave the high I once experienced when I’d had my first taste, just over two years ago. I had convinced myself that I had finally found inner peace and that I could do this by myself. I was determined to beat this. I couldn’t erase the image of comforting my future son or the image of me wrapped up securely in the arms of my future husband, from constantly entering my mind. And I knew that the only way that I could ever attain any of this, the life I have always desired and yearned for, was if I gave up this habit of degradation. So I quit cold turkey and everything was going along just fine until yesterday.

All it took was one little whiff of the good stuff and before I knew it I had fallen off the wagon. Here I am at work at 8 in the morning and all I could think of is when I can get my next fix. My need is so bad that I neglected to do any actual work. Instead I spent all of my time thinking of ways to raise enough cash to score. Various schemes entered my head, each one as ludicrous as the next. My bursary would only be coming in next year and I couldn’t wait that long. I need cash now! No the only option left to me was to sell my kidneys. I hear you can make R10 000, which is all I really needed for a plane ticket to Pakistan. Yes my friends I am addicted to travelling.

Now I bet all of you are probably wondering what a charismatic, beautiful, intelligent, eloquent, hilarious, humble girl like me could possibly want to see or do in Pakistan. And I wish I was capable of giving you an answer that gave the impression that I had spend hours reading up on the history and culture of Pakistan. But the truth is that I am a dipshit who took one look at the following picture before deciding that I JUST HAVE TO GO to Pakistan even if it meant selling my body – and inevitably my soul – to raise the cash for the trip.

Now I know that many people would say that I am brave (code word for crazy) to attempt crossing a rickety bridge like that. The thing is that I don’t classify myself as brave (mentally unstable). Everything scares me. Everything! And I know that if I ever make it to that bridge I’d be cursing like nobody’s mother fucking business but I’d force myself to go through with it. I can see myself now, standing there, trying my utmost to control my breathing, wanting nothing more than to turn around. But I’ll do it because every time I do something that scares the shit out of me (not literally) I gain something. There’s this amazing feeling of triumph because you haven’t allowed fear to control the way you live life.

The thing is that I know me. I am the most fickle person you will ever meet. If I don’t follow through with this in the next couple of months I’ll never go. Remember Ecuador? Two years ago I proclaimed that Ecuador was my “destiny”. (Yes, I use words like destiny and fate. Yes, I occasionally read my horoscopes and watch Oprah aka Our Saviour. What? Don’t judge!) Now if you were to ask me about Ecuador my reply will be a very articulate “bleh”. I am simply incapable of sustaining enthusiasm for anything for longer than four months. That’s just who I am and I make no apologies for this.

Alone but not lonely

Through the course of my longest relationship (with the boys' father) I was no stranger to being alone. He went away sometimes for months at a time. I was accustomed to alone time. Of course, I did have my child/children to keep me occupied and focused and also the financial security and knowledge of the return of said partner, which made it all right.

I have always floated from one relationship to another. I love to be loved and need to love others. I am very nervous of strangers and usually make a choice to date someone I have known and become friends with. I can't explain it, I'm just telling you how it is. My problem is *well, perhaps there is more than just 1, but only this one for today* that I seem to lose myself in relationships. It is my nature to please others. I begin to neglect my own thoughts and feelings in some ways and don't always notice until it's too late.

Now I am alone. Yes, I have my children and they are a great comfort because I will always get to love them and they will always return it. We are a family...but wait! I have to share them with their father. I only get them half the time. It took me years to adjust and look at the positive of that situation (although I would never have done it any differently). I always looked at it like I am missing half of their lives. I was able to deal with it because there was always a man in my life to help me adjust. Someone for me to love and care for but now I truly am alone.

I am always looking at the time. *watch out! the princess is on a verbal roll now!* I have always been very time conscious...always. Mostly because I always have someone to take care of, someone to get home to. Does that make sense? I was out with Becca today and for the first time in a very long time, I had absolutely no schedule...and I was actually willing to put on some make-up, do my hair and socialize for a change. I have been spending an awful lot of time at home by myself when the boys are gone. I have been doing a great deal of thinking. Sometimes I come home and don't even turn on the tv or music all evening. Sometimes I just play solitaire and turn things over in my mind. Sometimes I pace and tidy up the house as I walk around. I have just recently gotten back into watching some of my shows. Just a few weeks ago I didn't have enough focus on any show to repeat back what was just said. What I crave though, is human contact. I love phone calls. My girls call and check up on me, or more often I call them when I feel like gabbing. It's ok to just talk on the phone because I don't always actually want to have someone here with me. I feel very sad and I still sometimes cry, but it's not bad...just really different. I check my blog/fb/e-mail all the time. I don't know what I'm waiting for though, it's just a bizarre little habit I have started. I suspect I will obsess about it less and less as time passes. I think at first I would check in hopes of hearing from "the ex"...but I don't look for that anymore. It's not that I don't miss him because I do, but I have a responsibility myself and to my boys and things to do with my friends. I have a job and a life to lead and that's just what I plan to do.

I have been giving a lot of thought to blogging and what I love about it. I love the interaction with all of you. I love that I will sometimes get a call or e-mail from a friend who read something and wanted to comment on it too. It makes me feel good when I get feedback because I love attention...I AM a princess don't ya know! haha...Actually, I also love the feedback because perspective is good. Experience is good. People are interesting and it's cool to connect about feelings with others. I have come in contact with some amazing people during my life and also here on my blog travels. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have asked a few fine ladies to do guest posts for me. I received a great one from Sid which I plan to post on Monday. I might even wait until Tuesday because it would be a shame if you all missed it! Stay tuned.

kisses,

the princess

Happy Birthday Seth!

My son is 11 today. I can't believe it's been that long. Makes me feel just a little older today for some reason. That's all right though, I can handle it. I am so very impressed with Seth right now. Through the current situation here at home he has been wonderful. He is sensitive to the fact that I am sad, and he watches me closely to make sure I am ok. If he hears me sniffle, he asks how I am and offers me a hug. I always assure him that I will probably be sad for a while but that I will get used to it and everything will be just fine. He has been a great support to me.

This past Saturday night I invited Seth's 2 best school buddies to sleep over and celebrate his birthday. One of the boys has slept over many times and his younger brother come too so that Sidney wouldn't feel left out. It worked out quite well except that buddy #1 hadn't ever had a sleepover before and was a little nervous. He also has reflux and ate something before coming over that didn't agree with him. He called his poor mother at midnight to pick him up. Awww...maybe another time then. Next! Buddy #2 has asthma. He coughed a lot but managed to get some sleep. We acquired a cat since last time he stayed and it wasn't very good. He had taken a different bag to carry his things and didn't have his puffer. I called his mom, picked her up at her mom's to take her home to get his medicine. That was shortly after 9 on Sunday morning. Despite the craziness, all 5 boys had a great time playing and enjoying time together. It was funny to listen to their little conversations. A good time was had by all...minus the illnesses of course.

What the H-E-double hockey sticks should I do with all these boxes?

Holy crap there's a lot of stuff to pack in this house. It's my first packing day since it's a long weekend (Happy Thanksgiving by the way...let's hear it for Canada!) and I am alone for my day off. I set some boxes upright and taped them strong. I have removed things from drawers (starting in the living room) and all I have to do is get at it.

Here's the problem...I don't want to! Packing sucks. I always have trouble getting started. There is a loose prong on the back of my tv so my plan to watch last week's CSI Miami and Prison Break as I pack is kaput. I've got no picture. I can listen to music but it just isn't the same. Boy do I hate a thwarted plan.

Note to self : *consider getting a new tv this spring*.

K, so I just got a call from Midge and she gave me a pep talk. I can't believe it's already so late in the day! Gawd, I am still obsessing in my head about the tv as I write this post! I have to end this and get started. I made a pot of coffee and took every book off the bookshelf on my way back to the computer. I have to separate things as some will go with us to my friends place, while the rest will go into storage. I have to pack all my everyday needs last obviously. I can live without the nic-nacs and pictures for the next while. Here I go...wish me luck. :)

Landing on my feet with cat like stealth

When difficult situations arise, Mama Bear jumps out. On occasion it's more like a Mama Lion. I have trouble with change.

Change is good right?

Nope. I still don't like it. In this case though, I had to make some choices purely based on the well being and security of my children. I have the car now and my expenses have increased since I moved here while household income has drastically decreased just recently. It's all good...mama worked it out. The problem is not really change itself, it's the process of getting from point A to B. I get myself all worked up but...something was different this time. I actually had a lot of clarity. I worked out the details as best I could and researched my options with focus and determination.

I feel very blessed to have good people in my life. I received an email last week from a friend of mine. It was only a couple of sentences but I couldn't help but cry. She said "why don't you just put your stuff in storage for a bit and stay at my place? I can stay at my guy's place and you can bring the boys' bunk beds and a couple of dressers. That way you'll have your finances worked out and able to get your new place." I already worked out all the details of the new place. The issue is the loss of the damage deposit here (I have to break my lease-damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of thing) and coming up with another deposit (1/2 a month's rent).

How kind and generous. Really and truly I am grateful. Much like pinkpiddypaws (I would link it if I wasn't being lazy) I have trouble accepting help from others but am happy to give it. I had to think about this one for a couple of days but I feel good about my choice to accept her help.

Today is a good day. I spoke with my brother the genius on the phone for the first time in over a year. I always feel such joy when I talk to him. I also saw my guardian mom (who I haven't seen in a couple of years) on Sunday. We went to get the boys from their father's place and enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. Tomorrow is a new day. Each one gets a little more normal. I have to move at the end of the month so I won't post much. Perhaps I need to call on some sweet guest bloggers? Hmmm?

it's bedtime...

kisses

the princess

Time Heals

Here's a good song for Saturday...

Better in Time

This is just a very lovely song. For me it has only been a short time but I know it really will be better as the months pass. I think the lyrics of this song are positive and helpful.

Rash Decisions

I walked into Di's office the other day and quite boldly announced..."I was thinking I might chop my hair." *indicating and inverted bob with my hands*

Di: "NO! Don't cut your hair. I will never talk to you again. Wait until you're sane!"

I shriveled a little and said..."Ok, I'll wait."

Thank godness for good friends to keep me in line.

I've been meaning to do this post for a while now

Here are a few shots from Becca's wedding at the beginning of August. Keep in mind that I was in the wedding party so I really don't have too many pictures of the actual event.

Me and Becca's fabulously gay cousin PJ. We became friends as soon as we met and before I knew it he had offered to give me my curly doo for the wedding. He got really drunk the night before and I was thrilled that he still hauled ass over to do it.

Thanks again PJ. I got my eyebrows done the day before the wedding. They are a little narrow for my taste, but it's all good.

I just wanted to show you my pretty shoes, purple toenails, and the big bruise I aquired while decorating the reception hall. I simply cannot wear something pretty without having a bruise.

Keep in mind that PJ was snapping these pics behind the professional photographer, so the angles are off.

The beauty queen herself. What a beautiful bride she was.

According to the local ladies, this was the best "Garter Dance" ever. They had never seen someone dance to the entire song before! I happen to think that it's awesome that the groom actually has to WORK for that garter belt...and why shouldn't he? She's worth it. The dance was really quite impressive--complete with a backspin and everything. Becca chose "Billy Jean". Excellent choice my friend.

On the Upside...

My skinny jeans fit!!!

'nuf said

Breaking Up: from heartache to happiness in 48 pages

One of my girls gave me the sweetest little book to read.

It's not quite as cute without the little cartoon gal but I think you'll enjoy it.

First Page says only "The End"

Being alone is one thing.

Being left alone is another.

As soon as you're told you are no longer wanted or loved...

your self-image takes a turn for the worse,

and you begin to hurt.

You feel inept, inadequate...

and positively good-for-nothing.

However--with some effort--you can make yourself smile.

To show there are no hard feelings, help him pack his belongings.

Begin with his laundry. You want to be sure he as clean undies. (Don't forget to starch them well.)

As you pack his socks, keep one from each pair. (Purely for sentimental reasons, of course.)

Make sure he has his favorite pajamas...*feeties*

and anything else he can't do without.*she's throwing his junk in a pile*

Give him half of everything. *cutting shirts in half*

Then say good-bye...

And don't look back.

Even though there are some things you can't do alone...

*see-saws, dancing, boating/water skiing, tennis*

Count your blessings!

Notice how the seat isn't left up anymore...

and how there's never any question about who ate the last chocolate chip cookie.

Enjoy your newly acquired wardrobe space...

and while you're at it, get rid of those silly things he expected you to wear.

Do your weekly grocery shopping. Notice that your bill--like your appetite--is next to nothing

...and delight in the fact that two can't live as cheaply as one.

When whatsisname comes by to say he's sorry, agree with him--and tell him no, you haven't seen his mother's picture, his magazine collection, or his favorite cashmere sweater.

Call all his friends you could never stand but had to tolerate, and tell them what you think of them!

Exercise your independence! *classic burning ceremony*

Weigh yourself. You're getting closer to zero every day. Smile.

Upon retiring, wear the ugliest, most unsexy, sloppy, wonderfully cozy, snug flannel nightgown you own...

Go to bed with dirty teeth.

If sleeping alone isn't your idea of a good time...

one way or another, you'll adjust. *stuffed toys*

Time doesn't fly when you're not having fun.

But that's what time is for...

to make things heal, make things better.

Soon, you'll see that for every problem...

there is a solution.

And by and by, that old feeling called "loneliness"...

begins to feel like something called "freedom."

Last page says only "The Beginning"

Shedding the "blue jogging pants" and getting on with it

During my senior year in high school a close friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) was devastated by a breakup. I believe they were together an entire 3? 3 1/2 months...anyhow, she was so sad. She used to stay over sometimes and come to school with me in the mornings. She wore the same pair of dark blue jogging pants every day for a month. My sister and I used to wonder aloud why she wouldn't just change her pants already. She just didn't care. She just wanted her comfort. I caught myself slipping into my favorite black gym pants for the 6th day running and decided maybe it was time to change it up a little. Now, I was only putting them on when I got home after work. I did make an effort to choose a different outfit for the 5 day work week. I couldn't be bothered to do my hair though. Ponytails are easier in the summer with the in between curly/straight hair.

Monday the boys came back home. I spent last weekend home alone for the most part. Midge and I (the break-up buddies) hung out a little, but mostly I was here. I haven't been watching much tv. I just don't feel like focusing on it. I did, however, watch American History X on Saturday night and decided to straighten my hair at the same time. I left it that way and had it down for work on Monday morning. I got a great deal of compliments that day.

Funny! I just had another high school memory. The above mentioned nameless friend and I had a theory on high school dances and looking hot. If we just wore nothing special during the week of the upcoming dance, no make-up, nothing fancy but picked something Really great to wear the night of the dance, we were sure to look all the more appealing. What do you think? Did that kind of thought work for any of you in high school? Any little techniques to share?

So, this afternoon at work I had a good laugh. I'm not sure if I should have been laughing about it but it felt good so whatever...

My boss said that I have lost weight, to which I replied "well, I'm eating." and went back to working. He came in later and said he hoped he hadn't offended me. I said "oh no, I just don't really have anything to say about it I guess, but thanks."

I told Di and another girl out back about it as I was getting something in the warehouse for a customer and Di yelled out, "Princess, you sure did lose weight. You lost 150 pounds of boyfriend." I'm not sure why, but I laughed so hard I could have actually peed a little. I didn't say I did by the way, just that I could have.

So What? I'm still a Princess.

How can you not love Pink? I love this song!

Not saying all the words apply to my particular situation, but this totally kicks ass.

Na na na na na na na...I wanna start a fight!

Failable

Sometimes even princesses make mistakes. It just so happens that the one I made hurt someone I love very much and caused him to walk away from my life. It remains to be seen if there is anything I can do about it, but for now I just want to say that I accept responsibility for my own actions. I read something recently that really helped me through this week. It's from a self-help book a friend of mine is reading and it goes like this:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you've ever been criticized or rejected or have failed to achieve an important goal, you know how natural it is to feel hurt and disappointed. But if you berate yourself as worthless and unlovable, you'll be giving yourself distorted messages and destroying your self-esteem. Being rejected and failing are universal human experiences. They don't make you "a reject" or "a failure"--they make you a human being.

Even if you behave badly, it won't do much good to write yourself off as a "bad person." You will simply waste time and energy ruminating about how lousy and terrible you are. This will only incapacitate you and make the problem worse. In addition, this is very self-centered because you're entirely caught up in yourself! Genuine self-esteem is based on humility and an acceptance of your shortcomings. This makes it possible to assume responsibility for your actions, to feel remorse, to apologize and make amends, and to get on with productive and joyous living.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Certainly words to live by. This taught me something about myself. I have struggled with esteem issues always, but when I read this I thought to myself "Princess, you love yourself. You really do. You do really stupid things sometimes, but you are not currently suffering from low self-esteem." While this does not take away my sadness, it does allow me to have more positive thoughts. Thank goodness for my children who kept me focused for the past week and a bit. I am alone now. Time to contemplate and just be.

The Workplace Meltdown

It finally happened. I have been doing so well this week.

I have been going to work, getting plenty done, managing my sadness, but alas...something had to give.

After coming home for lunch and writing the little "happy" post below, it all came crashing in on me...

I was driving back to work and noticed a delivery truck headed my way. We passed one another and guess who it was?

the boyfriend

I didn't get a chance to beep or anything. I was sort of stunned.

Does that make sense? I suppose it is the first time I've seen him in a week. Oh that face!

When I got back to work, couple came in to see one of the salesmen. He wasn't in and they expressed frustration at not having their calls returned. It was a name I recognised because I have been trying to locate some 10 year old paperwork for warranty service for them. I explained that I have not been able to find the box for that year to send reference numbers to the company. The man then wanted me to explain all the details of why I couldn't locate it, what happened to it...whatever.

Honestly, at that moment I didn't give a shit what they wanted.

I wanted to shout at them...

Don't you understand that my boyfriend just left and I really don't want to argue with you over paperwork?!

He's gone! Can you possibly understand that? I am standing here talking to you about stupid paperwork while my life is falling apart around me. Can't you see I am in pain? Can't you see?

Of course, I finished the conversation stating that I would discuss it with the salesman and the manager when they got back to the office, because you know these things always happen when the people in question are out.

I went to the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. I cried and cried. I felt my body shaking and my breathing get quicker. I went back to my desk did what I could then the boss told me to take off, breathe deep and don't worry. It'll be ok.

I'll be ok...just having a moment. An extremely irrational emotional moment.

Hot Damn!

So, Seth, Sidney and I were in the car this morning and "In The Ayer" came on the radio. All 3 of us were singing and dancing in our seats. Seth knows almost all the words, although he insists he doesn't really like rap music. A sweet, bright start to my day. Actually, it was really amusing.

Like Being Hit By a Mac Truck

That's just how I feel. Beaten and Broken.

All I do is think, think, think. It's difficult to shut it off.

Will I see him next week? Is it all over?

Am I prepared to deal?

I am so sad my heart aches.

I know I can deal. I have proven it time and time again.

I will be sad but I will be ok. My children will as well. Either way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got back from lunch today there was a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses in a vase sitting on my desk...next to it a card.

As you can probably imagine, my mind was reeling!

Could these be from him? We did speak last night.

With shaking hands I opened the card.

My sweet, loving cousin stopped by to bring by a card and flowers to say she was thinking of me. Do you know I haven't even spoken with her at all since this went down? She reads my blog and is on my facebook and just wanted me to know she loved me.

I am kind of glad I wasn't there when she arrived because I don't think I would have been able to keep from crying...not just the streaming tears and sniffling kind either. Nope! The real gushy loud cries that express how I feel right now.

I called her to say thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have such special friends and family in my life. Although sometimes I feel all alone because they aren't all close by, I truly value each member of my family and the unique relationships that we share. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, loving, understanding and accepting friends.

I thank all my blogger friends as well. Sometimes it feels good to express myself here to a completely non-biased group of people. Thank you for your good thoughts.

I am managing my days and doing ok. Next week will be tricky because I will be all alone. I have to learn to get used to it.

I have to...

Suck it up, Princess!!!!!!!

Sidney's First Day

First Day

Every one has a "First Day"

when they feel sad and all alone.

It can be so scary

when you're out on your own.

Take my hankie, dry your tears.

You'll find lots of things to do

and you'll probably make new friends.

I promise we'll be together

when the school day ends.

Here comes the teacher,

blow your nose and be brave.

Come on now wipe your eyes,

this is no way to behave.

"Well good morning teacher.

We really must beg your pardon.

No, Mommy doesn't always act this way

but it's my first day of school."

````````````````````````````````````````````

I met Seth and Sidney at the school on Wednesday morning. My goodness I can't believe they're getting so big and growing up so fast. My baby is in school now and he's going to be just fine. I have been a little pre-occupied this week and completely forgot to bring my camera. I was there though and I saw it. Seth waved us off like an old pro...grade 5 is so close to king of the school. We went into Sid's classroom to give some information and watched him find a seat and all. He got up to put his backpack on his hook and when he turned, someone had taken his seat. He didn't miss a beat and simply found another one. I warmed my heart to watch him...my baby no more. I cried in the car.

Confessions of a Very Sad Princess

The day I wrote my last post was DECISION DAY. It was the day told the boys that we would no longer be living together. Each child had his own horrible reaction. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Before I even got the first sentence out...

Seth said: "You're breaking up? *choking through tears* "YOU'RE BREAKING UP?!"

Subsequently causing Tyler to bury his face in has hands and just cry...just cry.

Sidney (who is by far the most vocal) starts crying really loud and yells..."why?...Why?...WHY?"

We did right by them. We talked and consoled and assured them that they could still see one another, I assured Seth that we wouldn't have to move. Sidney suddenly clicked in that we were talking about the boyfriend actually leaving, Tyler leaving, them going to their father's.

"Mama! You're going to be all alone!"

My god, my god. The tears shed that night.

Some things happened that caused our relationship to be tested. I have to tell you that I really do love this man and I am unsure what my future may hold. If I am meant to be with him, we will find our way back. For right now I need to work on me. I need to work out, spend time with my girls, blog, enjoy time with my children and figure out what I can learn about myself in the process. I want true happiness.

This week has been an awful blur. I was home on Wednesday and again with the boys on Thursday. It was good to spend the next day with them and be completely available for them. They went back to their father's early. They didn't want to, but I didn't want them to see the boyfriend go. That's too much to bear for them. So much for me as well. I have been cleaning like a maniac. I had to take some medication to calm myself in order to function honestly. I did work on Friday (completely without chemical aid). I got a lot done and was able to focus (somewhat anyhow). This weekend has been tremendously difficult. There are empty spots where stuff once lived. I have been pacing. Unable to sit for any length of time at all. I will get through this. We are talking and being kind to one another and that helps. This pain shall pass and I will learn from this experience.

Cracking Up

I know I need to eat. My belly is growling for food, but when I chew it tastes like cardboard. Dry and nasty. I can't eat.

I know I need to work to earn money, but how do I greet people in person or on the phone when I can't control my emotions enough not to cry? I am home today where I will cry in peace.

Do we work it out, or pack it in...this is the question. I don't mean to be evasive, but who wants to sort dirty laundry to the world? I just needed to say something. Write down my sad, confused thoughts. If we pack it in, how do we tell those beautiful children? If we stay together, can we ever truly work through it and be stronger? I have hope, but I am also a realist. I'll come back when I am feeling better. Hopefully from a happier place.

A Whole Hand

My Sidney is 5 years old today. You guessed it! That means that the NS School Board better watch out, cause here comes a tornado! He He...I suppose he isn't all that bad, but he IS quite a handful. He has more energy than 10 children and he is sharp as a whip.

As upsetting as it is for me (as a mama) to accept, there will be no more nap time cuddles and super silly pre-school games. He is growing up so fast. I can't believe he's starting school in a little over 2 weeks. I mentioned at work the time that he was born. Someone said "wow, you even remember the exact time?" You bet your ass I do!

Sidney's birth was a planned c-section. The first attempt (with Seth, of course) ended up being a 2 day affair, followed inevitably with a c-section. That's right folks, 2 days solid labour pains. I didn't even want to consider doing it again, so because of my bone structure and inability to pass a child through the birth canal, we planned out a date for me to have my second baby. I didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl but definitely settled on the name.

I was prepped for surgery only the freezing didn't take on the first try. They gave me another shot in the spine and I could still feel hands applying iodine on my lower belly. I remember feeling really panicked and calling out "I CAN FEEL THAT!" They assured me that everything was all right and to tell the doctor where you can feel. Ummm...everywhere HELLO! So third time's a charm right? They decided to give me an epidural instead so that they could dose me with more medicine if necessary. It finally worked. Once that was done it was only about 15 minutes before my little Bubba arrived to see the world for the first time. He was born at 9:14am on ( I am pretty sure) a Tuesday.

You can't possibly imagine how long it took for me to get feeling back in my lower body after all that freezing. Good thing I was there to stay for a few days. It was a much more pleasant experience to for-go the labour. Yep! Much nicer for the princess.

Beautiful Newfoundland

just driving on the highway...hills everywhere you look!

isnt' that something?

Wow! "The Rock" really describes it well

another example of why they call it "The Rock"

snapping random pictures from the moving car

the view from behind Becca's childhood home

When In Rome...

I needed a vacation from my vacation. I was so sleepy last week that I couldn't even muster the energy (after work, kids and what have you) to blog. I wanted to but just didn't feel like typing. It's just the boyfriend and I now for the next 2 weeks so I'll post more soon.

I have to tell you that all my life people have always made the same comments to me about visiting Newfoundland. Newfies are the friendliest people in the world, and that they love their booze. Now, I'm quite sure not EVERY person in the province is a drinker but just to be hospitable they offer company either a tea or an alcoholic beverage.

My father is from Newfoundland so I am somewhat familiar with the party style. Most common is the kitchen party. We do that here in Nova Scotia as well. It's closest to the fridge. Now, in the summer you switch to a cooler out on the patio.

My dad, his wife and I spent our evenings drinking beer outside for 3 nights running. Becca and her new husband (had to say it cause it just sounds so sweet) picked me up at my dad's and I went to her home town to prepare for the wedding (as I said in a previous post). I actually spent some (and by some I mean all) late evenings out on the front porch getting to know Becca's man better (after doing all the wedding prep and visiting with Beck, of course). He and I have never been really close friends or anything, so it was nice to see a different side of him. All the love he has for my friend was so much more apparent during that week. He has married into a truly beautiful family. I will post some pictures tomorrow.

To sum it up, I drank 7 nights in a row. No freakin wonder I didn't want to type last week! I have to remind myself sometimes that I really am not 27 anymore.

Incidentally, I have been reading many posts. I have been keeping up but tight-lipped on the comments.

kisses

the princess

Mixed blessings and other things

So not only is my girl getting married in 2 days (with all the stress that entails), but she has had many other things happening as well. Last September she started fainting. At first we all assumed it was stress related as her father had been diagnosed with ALS and was very ill. As I wrote here, he succumbed to his illness last November. She continues to have these mysterious fainting spells and we have all been growing increasingly concerned for her health. She has had a couple of head scans because she had childhood epilepsy and thought it might be back. She has also been having some tests on her heart because the head scan showed no abnormalities. She had to wear what they call a "halter" with a number of monitors and wires hooked to her chest for a 24 hour period last Thursday at 1:30pm until Friday same time. Though it sounds bizarre to say this, THANK GOD she fainted while the halter was on. Otherwise we would still be in the dark. Much to every one's great surprise, my sweet friend received a call from her doctor on Monday here in Newfoundland. The results? Her heart stopped on Friday morning for 16 seconds when she fainted. She has to get a Pace Maker. Were she not here for the wedding, it would be done this week. Wow. Wow. Wow. My job right now is to help her stay as calm as possible. Please wish me luck and say a prayer.

Changes

"You've changed, Princess" says my stepmother. "When I hear you speak the way you do now, so clear like that, it's like you have decided *No one is going to walk all over me anymore!*...GOOD FOR YOU!"

Turbo-Tanned and Ready for my Cruise

The Princess is going on Vacation! I will be sailing the choppy waters of the Atlantic Ocean to visit my father and stepmother in Newfoundland tomorrow night. It's a trip that will take many hours of driving, then a ferry ride for about 6 hours, then another long drive. It'll be worth it for my parents to see their grandchildren after a long 3 1/2 years not seeing them. Unfortunately, the boyfriend couldn't get the time off for the week but is driving us to the ferry. I went for my final tan at my salon tonight and now my face is even tanned!


It's actually Tuesday, July 29 today. I never got a chance to get past the first sentence of this post with everything that was going on. I am here in NFLD now and am traveling from my parent's home to Rebecca's hometown to prepare for the wedding on Saturday. Luckily I got to be here for my stepmother's birthday (today) and spend some time with her. My main purpose for the trip however, is the wedding, so I will have to update you further later in the week. It's insane busy. I have lots of talking to do! Kisses! Talk to you soon.

I'm Begging You

For Mercy! God I love that song. It's a really great style I think. I am also in love the song Rehab. I love this bluesy stuff...for real. Nice.

Why is it squishing everything together? I am trying to space it out but no go.

The Gallery...For you miss Cinnkitty

oops! there's me getting things ready

voila! a gallery of balloon penises

The Wild Women Conquered

Since Becca lives next door, the boys hung out over there and played video games until we were ready to go to the club.

Conversation the day after the party...

the boyfriend: Man were you guys ever loud! Every so often we would hear someone go "ahhhhhhhhh" and lots of laughter (yelling in a girlie voice, of course).

me: *snort giggle* We were having so much fun. Becca was having sourpuss shots with each person individually instead of all together, then doing some Newfie step dancing in the livingroom...plus all the games...you know.

the boyfriend: women are sooo much dirtier that men.

me: yeah, of course we are!

The party was great and the company was even better. Cheers to good friends and kick-ass parties. I think I see more frequent girlie get togethers in the future.

So, if you haven't read the post beneath all of these pictures, you really should since I am a serious comment hound and I want you to read it!

the bride and her "bride girls"...that's bridesmaids for the mainlanders

me and my sweet friend

some lovely ladies...ahem...while still behaving as such

and the winner with 40 jube-jubes!

dirty, dirty girls!

the penis I lovingly created with playdough

yes, they were hanging there for a reason

in all her drunken glory...love you Becca!

in da club

not sure who the boy is, but the girls loved him!

The Wild Woman Cometh

I am throwing a bachelorette party for my girl Becca. She is getting married 3 weeks from today! She's been with her guy for over 2 years now but is nervous of losing her independence now that she's tying the knot. So tonight my friends, she will be the party girl we all remember. Now that we are mated we live in our own little bubbles(coming out occasionally for social functions)...gone are the late nights out dancing with the girls, dancing on Beck's table, and drinking ourselves silly. We hang out, but it's stuff like tanning on the deck or chatting while she hangs clothes and I watch because I love my dryer...since she lives next door to me see?

We are going to recreate some magical times here tonight folks! Every one's bringing something and I am going to make some spinach dip with sourdough and pumpernickel (we need food that will go down well with the booze). There are jello shooters gelling in the fridge, vodka and sourpuss on the counter...don't you wish you were partying with the princess and her crew tonight? I am a little rusty...it's been a while, but I throw a damn good party.

There will be dick balloons hanging from the ceiling (whip cream will be applied later) and dick straws for everyone! I have a pin the dick game, a jube-jube game (how many can you get in your mouth without chewing or swallowing them ladies?) I even have a few fun little prizes...oh my god guys! I gotta get a move on here! I gotta clean like a crazy person. I got up at 8 this morning to get groceries early. I have to straighten my hair and go to my salon for 12:30. She's simply going to help me with a funky ponytail...for the low, low price of $5! I am gonna tan just before I think. Oh, this is going to be so much fun! Aside from Relay I can't recall the last time I hung out with a large group of ladies. I am trying to convince the boyfriend to provide some entertainment for us. I actually think I have him half convinced. He and his brother (when he asks him that is...) are going to drive our drunk asses to the club of our choosing later. There will be pictures...oh yes, there will.

Kisses! By the way it is beautiful and sunny. This is a very happy day.